No, I can't get enough of this episode still. Photo Credit: Quantrell D. Colbert/The CW.

 Read on for my recap & review of The Vampire Diaries 3×13, “Bringing Out the Dead,” aired Thursday, February 2^nd, 2012:

Previously on The Vampire Diaries: Coffin drama! Coffins, coffins, coffins! Harder to hide than a moonstone, and filled with toy surprises. And the best toy surprise of all? Eliiiiiiijah. After the heart-snatching cliffhanger a couple weeks ago, I couldn’t wait for “Bringing Out the Dead.” I was not disappointed. I was, however, a bit overwhelmed. There were like three different A stories going on, so I never knew how to feel. What to focus on? “Alaric is dying … but Elijah is talking about the original Petrova!” “Poor Caroline … but I really hope Elena didn’t just kill Alaaaaaaric!” “I really want to pay attention to Elijah’s beautifully delivered exposition … but Alaric’s ring isn’t so trustworthy these days.” “Ooooh, Klaus is sticking Stefan’s hand in the fire … but who do you think is killing Council members?” You get the picture. On second viewing, I was able to follow everything much more coherently, and enjoy it all a lot more.

So much to discuss. Hot brother dinner party! Mysterious rampaging serial killer! New vampire! Another parental death! Alaric died for the fifth time! (It was the fifth time, right?) Klaus revealed that he is a Matt-Elena shipper! Stefan admitted that Damon was right about something! The mysterious coffin opened! Original family reunion! So much muchness. On to the recap …

We open on the newly undaggered Elijah. Not a bad way to start an episode. Klaus offers his brother a drink, but Elijah would rather fight. Klaus is annoyed by this because he just finished renovating. Priorities! Klaus even claims, “I kept my word. I reunited you with our family.” Ha! More fighting. Since Damon (smartly) held onto the dagger he pulled out of Elijah, Klaus resorts to pulling one out of another dead family member. Elijah dares his brother to stab him, but points out he’ll have Kol to deal with. (Oooh, new Original brother!) Quite a conundrum. Klaus then tells Elijah that Mikael is dead. He killed him. Elijah: “Why do our family remain in these coffins? Finn for over 900 years, Kol for over a century.” (Ooooh, Original family history! Take note.) Klaus: “Because of Stefan Salvatore. He holds the one thing keeping me from freeing them. There are things that you do not know about our past, Elijah—our mother’s death. Things I never wanted you to know, but I’m ready to tell you now. I only ask that you remember the oath of loyalty you once swore to me.” With that, Klaus re-daggers Kol. “Always and forever. I need you to stand by my side. Be my brother. Help me destroy Stefan and I promise you our family will be whole again.” Hmmm. “Always and forever” sounds less like an oath of familial loyalty, and more like the catch phrase of a soap opera super-couple. Really, Originals? 

Meanwhile, at the Gilbert home, Alaric needs aspirin. He’s hung over. Must be Tuesday. He explains to Elena, “It was a bit of a weird night.” Elena reminds him that he doesn’t have to feel guilty about having Meredith over, but Alaric corrects her. He’s feeling guilty for whiskey dialing Meredith at 2 a.m. Oh, Alaaaric. Elena takes the words out of my mouth: “No you didn’t.” Alaric: “Oh yes I did.” Elena: “Was she cool about it?” You guys, it amuses me TO NO END, that this is Elena’s reaction. “Was she cool about it?” Oh, Elena. Alaric: “As soon as these aspirin kick in and I remember the conversation, I’ll let you know.” Poor Alaaaaaaric. The life of an alcoholic-unlucky-in-love-history-teaching-vampire-slayer-slash-guardian-of-a-frequently-kidnapped-doppelgänger is full of headaches.

This morning routine is interrupted when Sheriff Forbes shows up. We are then treated to a porch scene of a different sort. Porches: they’re not just for crying and kissing! They’re also good for discussing murder weapons. Liz shows Elena and Alaric the weapon used to kill Brian, the medical examiner. Alaric recognizes it as “one of ours.” Apparently it is one of a set from Elena’s parents’ lake house. Dun dun dun. And that’s not all. There was only one set of prints on it: Elena’s.

Cut to Elena on the phone with Damon, sharing this information. Elena says that Sheriff Forbes doesn’t think she did it, but wants to find out who would have used her weapons. Damon: “Well, why don’t you just ask Ric if his dirty little doctor had access to the weapons?” Alaric: “You’re on speakerphone, dick.” Ha! Anyway, as they hash things out, Alaric points out that Brian Walters was killed days ago, while he didn’t show Meredith his weapon stash until last night. Good point. Elena is convinced it wasn’t Meredith: “I refuse to believe that your luck with women is that tragic.” Aw, so naïve. So … not paying attention to anything that has happened over three seasons. Damon wonders who else knows about Alaric’s “secret little slayer stash.” Alaric: “Who doesn’t? I’ve got weapons everywhere. Here, the school, my loft, your car.” Hee. Damon brings up the fact that it could be Klaus, screwing with them. I have to say, I think this theory the most likely. Not that Klaus is killing these people himself, but that he compelled someone to. I hate to think it but could this be related to the deal he make with Sheriff Forbes, perhaps? Elena brings up another suspect: Stefan. But so much less blood than his usual execution method, right? Damon: “Ahhh, makes me nostalgic for the time when Stefan was a bunny sniffing pacifist.” Me too, Damon. Me too. But then Damon has to go—“Tea with an old friend.”

Apparently that is code for “meeting with Elijah in a clearing in the woods.” Better than tea. Damon: “Elijah, my favorite Original, back from the dead. You clean up nice.” Word. Elijah: “You left something in my jacket pocket.” He holds up a note. Damon: “Oh yeah. Dear Elijah, lets get together to plot the destruction of your brother. Xoxo.” LOVE LOVE LOVE. Hee. Damon wonders if he was right to undagger Elijah, or if they’re going to have a problem. Elijah: “I’m here. Let’s talk.” Damon: “I’ll start with an easy question. Any idea what kind of Klaus-killing weapon could me magically sealed in a mystery coffin?” Sadly, we don’t get to hear Elijah’s response to this.

And speaking of the mystery coffin, work on opening it has now been moved down to the tomb. Oh hi, tomb! We missed you. Stefan leads Bonnie and Abby down there, explaining that Damon compelled a couple of the Lockwood gardeners to carry it in. Reminder: vamps can’t enter the tomb, unless they want to get trapped. The sealing spell is still in action. Oh, and Stefan has the nerve to be annoyed, bitchy, and bossy towards the witches who have agreed to HELP HIM. It’s a miracle that Abby and Bonnie don’t just storm out of there. Have some self-respect, witches. You deserve better. (And shut up, Stefan.)

Stefan runs into Elena on the way out. She asks if he killed the medical examiner. Stefan has the nerve to be offended: “Why would you think I did that?” Oh, I don’t know, Stefan. Maybe it was all the bodies you left decapitated up and down the eastern seaboard. Or the way you’ve been acting all season? I don’t know. Shocking accusation. Shocking, I tell you. I mean, you viciously kill a few hundred people over the centuries, and now everyone wants to accuse you of murder. As if! Stefan also makes things petty by adding, “Did you ask Damon if he killed anybody lately?” Sigh. Wake me when the love triangle is over.

Meanwhile, at the hospital, Caroline consults with Dr. Fell about her father. Meredith rants that Bill “spent half the night trying to get my medical license revoked for saving his life.” Apparently, he’s not happy that vamp blood healed him. Meredith also says that she discharged him last night, which surprised Caroline. She hasn’t heard from him. Hmmm. Meredith: “That’s gotta be hard—when your dad hates the one thing you can’t change about yourself. [Lowers her voice.] I make it my business to know who the vampires are in this town. Medical curiosity. I don’t blab.” Caroline: “Yeah, we’ve had our ups and downs.” Understatement.

After leaving Meredith, Caroline joins Elena in the hallway. She gives her the report on Meredith, saying that she seems perfectly nice. Caroline adds, “I think it’s sweet you want to make sure Alaric’s not dating a total psycho.” Ha! Elena: “He’s my family. I have to look out for him.” Awwww. Caroline then calls her dad, and her vamp-hearing picks up on the sound of his ringing phone. She and Elena follow the sound to a supply room, where they find Bill brutally stabbed! Poor Caroline. She just repeats over and over: “Don’t be dead don’t be dead don’t be dead!” She pulls the knife (not a stake this time) out of her dad, and Elena reminds her that he has vamp blood in his system. Dun dun dun. Vamp Bill awakes. Dun dun dun. He just became the thing he most hates in the world! If you didn’t see this coming from the day his character was introduced, than you don’t know TV. Ah, the delicious tragedy.

Down in the tomb, Bonnie and Abby try to open the mysterious coffin. But don’t worry, they are aided by the light of ALL THE CANDLES. Bonnie doesn’t think anything in Abby’s grimoire will help, but then she notices a missing page. Apparently, that was the spell she used to bind Mikael in the tomb. The next page is a sealing spell, which Abby points out. On the margin of the page is a drawing of a “blood knot.” According to Abby, “It means that to bind it you need two generations, a bloodline. Like two keys to a safety deposit box.” Bonnie: “So, unbinding it would reverse the spell, unseal it, if we did it together?” Significant glances. Well, that was fast. Also, yawn.

Meanwhile, Damon pops into Stefan’s room to help him picks his outfit. Oh, Salvatores. He tells his brother, “Elijah and I have scheduled a very old fashioned sit-down with Klaus.” Stefan: “Klaus won’t make a deal, Damon.” Damon knows that, but he says that they’re just buying some time for the witches to open the coffin. Back and forth blame. Blah blah blah. “Undaggering Elijah was smart, Stefan.” “There’s nothing smart about trusting Elijah, Damon.” Blah blah blah. Damon: “Yeah and the way you’ve been acting, I trust him about as much as I trust you.” Stefan: “Well, guess that goes both ways, doesn’t it?” Damon: “Ooooh, yes. This is about me kissing Elena. Just remember, if it wasn’t for Klaus, you wouldn’t have become such a dick and that kiss would have never happened. So get ready and get happy. Were going to negotiate a fake truce and I don’t want your attitude screwing it up.” Boys.

Back at the hospital, Bill’s wound is completely healed and he’s hungry. Unfortunately, he didn’t see his attacker. He also refuses to transition, stating that he won’t feed. Caroline’s face. Awww.

At the Gilbert house, Alaric takes inventory of his weapons. You guys this is a scene featuring ALARIC AND WEAPONS. ALL THE WEAPONS. Excuse me, I need a moment. Did I mention that Alaric is taking inventory of his weapons? Okay. Elena enters and Alaric asks if she brought “it.” Elena: “You mean, did I steal evidence from a crime scene? Yes.” Ha! The family that steals evidence from a crime scene together, stays together. Elena hands over knife used to kill Bill, and Alaric recognizes it as the one from the crawl space in the foyer. Ha! Apparently, Meredith knew where it was. When were they investigating crawl spaces together? Too much happened off screen for my liking. I want the crawl space scene! So, anyway, Alaric is now growing more suspicious of Meredith. Elena points out the obvious: “She was trying to save Bill Forbes. Why would she turn around and try to kill him?” Good point. Plus, she would have known that he had vamp blood in his system. So, if she was involved, she was trying to turn him into a vampire, not kill him. Alaric: “I don’t know what to think either, but we’d be idiots to ignore all these facts.” So far I see very few facts here other than, “someone has been stealing their weapons and stabbing people.” Elena asks what they should we do. Alaric: “Get these to the police. You should probably be with Caroline.” Two things. 1) How cute is it that Alaric wants to cooperate with the cops? 2) How cute is it that he’s thinking of Caroline’s well-being?

Later that night, Elijah opens the door to greet Stefan and Damon. Let the hot brother dinner party commence! Klaus: “Let’s discuss the terms of our agreement like civilized men, shall we?” Elijah: “It’s better to indulge him.” Ha! Stefan is all, “I don’t want to be here, grrrrr.” But I think he dost protest too much. Klaus deals with the situation with his usual aplomb: “Well, we can sit and eat, or I can reach down your throats and pull out your insides. The choice is yours.”

Cut to dinner being served. When the woman serving them gives him his food, Damon is all, “Thank you, love.” Ha! You guys, he has that accent syndrome, wherein he starts talking like the person he’s with. Aw, does Damon want to be like Klaus? Hee. Stefan meanwhile … less gracious. Damon: “I thought we agreed that we would leave the grumpy Stefan at home?” Klaus: “Isn’t this nice?” Hee. Damon winks at Elijah. You guys, this is all too much. Stefan decides to ratchet up the awkward by bringing up Rebekah: “Last I checked, she was still daggered because you were afraid to face her.” Klaus: “If you’re referring to the fact that Rebekah knows I killed our mother, I’ve already come clean to Elijah.” Oooh, good move, Klaus. Damon: “Hey, Stef, remember when you killed dad? Might wanna dial down on the judgment ‘til dessert.” And there’s my favorite line of the night. Classic. This really got me thinking about all that these two pairs of brothers have in common. (And the similarities keep coming. Just wait.) Stefan: “We’re here to make a deal, Damon. Doesn’t mean we have to kill his ass for seven courses.” Ha! Damon: “I’m just saying, we have a long evening ahead of us. Pace yourself.” Klaus’s face during this scene is HILARIOUS.

Meanwhile, Caroline and Elena have some bonding time. Caroline has not heard back from Tyler. Do you think that’s significant? Or just due to behind the scenes production reasons? Caroline does wonder if Tyler could have been the who stabbed her dad, but Elena shoots her down. Just because. Caroline takes her word as truth. Just because. Caroline: “My mom’s in there sitting with my dad. I don’t think they’ve been in a room this long since I was ten years old.” Awwww. Caroline then says she’s gonna force her dad to feed. Elena hasn’t been hypocritical lately, so she jumps on this as her chance: “He doesn’t want to, Caroline. The only thing your dad has is his choice.” (Ugh. Sorry! I’m just still soooo mad about Jeremy. I wish the writers had remembered the lesson she already learned in season one. Ugh. I think it hurts Elena’s character, and she deserves better.) Caroline seems to accept this. Just because. Well, as any good parent would tell their kids, “Do as I say, not as I do.” You’re always smarter when you’re making decisions for other people. Fact.

Caroline asks Elena what the hardest part was for her, when she lost her dad. Elena: “Realizing all the things he wouldn’t be there for. The things that you just need your dad for, you know?” Awww. Caroline knows. Both girls get a little weepy, and Elena comforts her friend. Awww. Then Matt shows up. While this scene did nothing for me on first viewing, upon rewatch, I started crying at this point. As Caroline cried on Matt’s shoulder, I cried too. (Sadly, not on Matt’s shoulder. Darn.)

Back at hot brother dinner party, Elijah makes things even more awkward: “Stefan, where is the lovely Elena tonight?” Stefan: “I don’t know, ask Damon.” At this, Klaus starts laughing, and his face is PRICELESS. Priceless, I tell you. He tells his brother: “I’m sorry, you missed so much. Ah, trouble in paradise.” Elijah just lifts his hands helplessly. Hee. Stefan: “One more word about Elena, and uh … this dinner is over.” Klaus’s face. Again! It’s just all too much. Damon: “You know what, probably best just to keep Elena in the do-not-discuss-pile.” Klaus: “You’re probably right. It’s just the allure of the Petrova doppelgänger, still so strong. What do you say, brother? Should we tell them about Tatia?” Tatia?!?!?! Oooooh. Elijah: “Now why should we discuss matters long since resolved?” Klaus: “Given their shared affection for both Elena and Katerina, I think our guests might be curious to learn about the originator of the Petrova line.” Yes, please. You guys, I may have reached Kristen Bell levels of excitement at this point. I’ve been jonesing for an Original Petrova reveal since Katherine was first revealed to be a doppelgänger. I could NOT believe that this was happening! Are we the luckiest, or what? On to the exposition …

Damon: “We’re not going anywhere, Elijah. Please do tell.” Yes, please do. Elijah: “When our family first settled here, there was a girl named Tatia. She was an exquisite beauty. Every boy of age desired to be her suitor, even though she’d had a child by another man. And none loved her more than Niklaus.” Klaus: “No, I’d say that there was one who loved her at least as much.” Stefan: “Wait a minute, so you both loved the same girl?” You guys, Stefan was soooooo amused by this. Really, Stefan? Well, I guess he was just happy to know that this is not only a Salvatore problem. Elijah continues: “Our mother was a very powerful witch. She sought to end our feud over Tatia and so she took her. Klaus and I would later learn that it was Tatia’s blood that we consumed in the wine on the night where our mother performed a spell, which turned us into vampires. Tatia wouldn’t make a decision between the two of us, so for a time, Niklaus and I grew estranged. Harsh words were traded. We even came to blows, didn’t we, brother?” Klaus: “But in the end we recognized the sacred bond of family.” Elijah: “Family above all.” Klaus: “Family above all.” The two brothers toast.

Okay, let’s discuss. What have we really learned here? 1) The original Petrova was named Tatia. 2) She already had a child before meeting any of the Originals. 3) Thus, in discussing doppelgänger-Original lovin’, we don’t have to worry about incest. Phew. 4) Both Klaus and Elijah loved Tatia. 5) Mama Original did not like this, so she “took” Tatia and used her blood to turn her children into vampires. 6) Klaus and Elijah fought over Tatia, who refused to choose between them. 7) I would have chosen Elijah. 8 ) In the end, Elijah and Klaus came to terms. Now, what did we know already? 1) Centuries later, Klaus and Elijah’s relationship was torn apart again. This time by Katerina, the first doppelgänger. 2) Since doppelgänger blood was the key to breaking Klaus’s curse, we had assumed that the Original witch sacrificed the original Petrova to put the curse on Klaus. So what can we now deduce? At some point before her death, Esther sacrificed Tatia in order to keep Klaus’s werewolf side at bay. It now makes sense why she would have to use Tatia, since her blood was used to turn the first vampire. What we don’t know? The timeline is a bit fuzzy. It seems that Klaus and Elijah fought over Tatia after they were turned, which means that they fought over her after they drank her blood. How long did this go on? Did Mama Original just take a safe dose of Tatia’s blood for turning purposes, and then let Tatia on her merry way? Was Tatia ever turned into a vampire? If so, when and by whom? She would have had to stay human for the original sacrifice, right? Was that what killed her? Are you guys still with me? The more we learn, the more questions I have. So much craziness ahead of us.

Meanwhile, the Bennett witches hang out in the tomb reciting Witch Latin. It’s not working. Bonnie accuses her mom of not trying. Abby: “The spirits are angry with me for leaving you. Maybe they don’t want me to have my powers again.” Bonnie: “I had all those dreams for a reason. The spirits wanted me to find you because you’re my mom. It’s not them. It’s you. You won’t open yourself up to it. Do you know dad never talked about you? Neither did Grams. I had no memories of you. You know what I used to pretend? That you were dead. It was easier to do that than to wonder why you never came back for me.” Abby: “There’s no way I can tell you how sorry I am for what I did.” Bonnie: “Yes there is. You can help me.”  I wish that I cared more about this subplot. Sigh. Anyway, Abby does help her. Mother and daughter hold hands and recite more Witch Latin. Bonnie claims that “it almost worked!” Is this a technical witch term? Oh, Bonnie. Then, instead of trying again, Bonnie leaves the room to call Damon and tell him that they’re getting closer. I mean, I appreciate the fact that Bonnie respects the importance of the phone tree, but REALLY?! Oh, witches, be better. Left alone, Abby hears a noise coming from the coffin. The flame of the candles jumps up. The coffin bursts open! Abby scream-gasps.

Cut to deal-making between vampire brothers. Damon: “… in exchange, he and the Original extended family leave Mystic Falls forever. Me, Stefan, and Elena live happily ever after, no grudges.” Elijah: “The deal sounds fair, brother.” Klaus: “I don’t think you understand. Elena’s doppelgänger blood ensures that I will always have more hybrids to fight those who oppose me. I will never leave her behind. But say I do leave her here, under your protection. What then? How long before one of you turns her into a vampire? Or worse, how long before she dies caught between your feuding? You see, each one of you truly believes that you’re the one who can truly protect her, and that is simply a delusion. Gentlemen, the worst thing for Elena Gilbert is the two of you.” Oh, Stefan and Damon’s faces at this. Damon excuses himself to get some air. Elijah exits to give Klaus room to deal with Stefan. Klaus: “All this talk has made me thirsty. What do you say, Stefan? Can I interest you in a little after dinner drink?” With that, he bites the blonde who has been serving their dinner. Gross.

Meanwhile, Matt walks Elena home. Awww. But shouldn’t he be staying with Caroline right now? Matt: “You doin’ okay? This has to bring up a lot for you?” Elena: “We’ve all lost a lot.” Matt: “It’s this town. It’s messed up. None of us should have to live this way.” The two enter the house, but the light doesn’t work. Uh oh. This does not bode well. Then they see a trail of bloody hand and footprints. Uh oh. At the top of the stairs, they find a crumpled and stabbed body. Who is that??? It’s Alaaaaaaaric. Noooooooooo! No one suffers like Alaric fans suffer. Isn’t five death pushing it? I mean, this is the third time this season.

When we come back from commercial, we learn that Alaric is still alive … barely. He tells Elena that she has to kill him. Apparently he didn’t see his attacker, so his ring mght or might not work. Matt is totally freaked out, but Elena explains, “I’m the doppelgänger. That makes me supernatural.” Crossing my fingers. Matt: “Elena, no! This is messed up.” Well said. Elena is determined though, so she stabs Alaric. ZOMFG. One teensy little question though: What about the fact that THE RING HASN’T BEEN WORKING CORRECTLY? SO. STRESSFUL. (I’m sure you can all imagine how hard it was for me to get through the rest of the episode. TV is hard work.)

Back at Klaus’s place, Stefan accuses his former bestie of trying to put a wedge between him and Damon. Klaus points out that Stefan’s doing that well enough all on his own. Point to Klaus. Then Damon and Elijah return. Damon: “We’ve made our offer. Now you counter.” Klaus: “Okay. I offer Elena’s future happiness. You see, what she needs right now is to be rid of you lot, and to fall in love with a human. Maybe that nice football player. You know, the blonde one.” Damon: “Matt Donovan, really?” Klaus: “Yeah, why not? They’ll marry, live a long and fruitful life, and pop out a perfect family.” You guys, I cannot believe that Klaus is a Matt-Elena shipper. This episode is too much. Stefan points out that this is beneficial to Klaus: “And continue the Petrova bloodline. Every few hundred years you’ll have a new doppelgänger to drain and never run out of hybrids, right Klaus?” Klaus: “Consider it a small return on my investment in her well being. You see, after you hand me back the coffin, I’ll ensure her safety for the rest of her natural life. You know it’s what’s best for her. So, what do you say, Stefan? Do we have a deal?” Stefan steps forward. Damon looks confused and upset for a second. Stefan reaches out his hand, but … “Nice try, Klaus, but no deal.” So, Klaus sticks Stefan’s hand in the fire. Well, it’s better than the threat about pulling out his insides, so there’s that. Elijah stops Damon from interceding, so the hand-burning goes on for awhile. Klaus directs his attention to Damon: “Now bring me my coffin before I burn him alive.” Well, that’s one alternative to Damon’s deal. Smooth move, Klaus. Damon pouts: “I’ll get it.” Klaus, to Elijah: “Go with him, brother. You keep him honest. And when you return, I will make good on my promise to you, and I will hand over our family.” Oooh. Did Elijah double-cross Damon? We will have to wait and see.

Meanwhile, Caroline is watching her dad die. You know, just in case this wasn’t already the worst year ever. There is a little moment of levity before all the pain, as Bill admires his daughter’s cheer trophy. It seems like the relic of a different life … I guess it is. But then he’s not feeling so hot. She asks if he wants her to call Steven (Bill’s boyfriend, remember). But Bill says that they haven’t spoken in awhile. He asks her to let Steven know once the dust has settled. Caroline tells him that he can change his mind: “You are strong enough to handle being a vampire. I mean, you are the strongest person I know.” Bill: “No, Caroline. My strength is all in my beliefs. Becoming a vampire is wrong. People aren’t supposed to cheat death. That’s just what I believe. Please respect that.” Caroline: “How can you hate who I am so much?!?” Bill: “No, sweetheart, I don’t hate who you are. You’re strong, you’re beautiful, you’re good. And even after everything that has happened to you, you are exactly who your mother and I hoped you’d grow up to be.” Weirdly, this scene didn’t do much for me when I was watching it, but for some reason, now that I’m writing about, I’m fighting back tears. Oh …. I lost the fight. Sniffle. Caroline cries: “Please don’t leave me, daddy. Please don’t leave me. Daddy, just don’t leave me.” She sobs. Bill: “Parents aren’t supposed to outlive their children, Caroline. It’s okay.” We then get a quick shot of Liz in the doorway, distraught. Awww. Bill holds his daughter, and tells her, “It’s okay. This is life. This is what it means to be human.”

Meanwhile, Klaus and Stefan are still going at it. Stefan tells him to go ahead and kill him. Klaus is disappointed that Stefan’s giving up so easily, and asks where his fight is. Then Elijah comes in. Pause to appreciate a man who knows how to make an entrance. Klaus asks why he hasn’t left yet. Uh oh. Elijah unveils a tray of daggers, with a flourish. So smooth. Klaus: “What have you done?” Elijah: “What have you done? You see, I’ve learned not to trust your vulgar promises, Klaus. We’re doing this on my terms now.” (Don’t you love how Elijah says “vulgar”?) Original brother Kol makes appearance. Kol stab! Then Finn enters (the one with the long hair who looks like a pirate). Klaus: “Finn, don’t!” Finn stab! Oh hi, Rebekah! Beks: “This is for our mother.” Rebekah stab! This is amaaaaaaazing. Klaus is losing it. Now this is entertainment. Elijah turns to the Salvatores: “You’re free to go. This is family business.” And ZOMG, Daniel Gillies’s expression when he says this … wow. Gillies for all the awards! You guys, we thought this season was insane already, but I think we’re about to visit a whole new level of crazy town that we never knew existed.

Cut to Caroline weeping. Poor Caroline! Cut to Elena, distraught over the dead body of the stand-in guardian whom she stabbed, as Matt tries to comfort her. Poor Elena! Poor Alaric! Poor Matt! This town. Elena tells Matt that Caroline called. Her dad died. Elena: “Will you stay with me, until he wakes up?” Um, no offense to Elena’s pain, and you know I love Alaric, but … shouldn’t Matt go be with Caroline who just lost a FATHER?! But Matt agrees to stay with Elena. Elena: “I can’t lose anymore family.” Well, she doesn’t really have any more to lose right now … so.

Cut to Damon and Stefan in the woods. I guess they’re taking a short-cut back home? Too full to vamp speed? Just wanted some night air? Stefan admits that Damon was right about Elijah: “Undaggering him was a smart move.” Damon can’t believe he’s admitting that, and neither can I. Stefan: “You could have left me there. Klaus would have killed me and you would have had Elena all to yourself.” At that moment, Damon gets a call from Elena, and he says, “I didn’t do that on your account.” Pshaw. Boys, boys, you know you love each other. Shhhh. Stefan: “I love her, Damon.” Damon: “So do I.” So … we’re back where we started.

Back at Casa Gilbert, Elena gets a call from Sheriff Forbes. (Shouldn’t she be busy mourning right now?! I guess she wants to stay busy. Everyone copes in her own way.) She says that Meredith has an airtight alibi for Alaric’s death. She also points out that the attack on Alaric makes this the third member of the Founder’s Council. Dun dun dun. Soooo … who would want to kill Founders? (Besides everyone who had ever met them?) Also, will Meredith be a target soon? Oh Meredith, we hardly knew ya! But back to the action. Alaric wakes up!!!!!! And I was finally able to exhale, and start paying attention to my all my pent-up Original excitement. Phew.

Cut to Damon and Stefan arriving at the tomb. Oh! That’s what they were doing in the woods. The boys find Bonnie and Abby unconscious—still alive though. They also find the mystery coffin open and empty. Dun dun dun. Now, I have to say, some of the fun here was spoiled for me, as I knew who was in the coffin. Unfortunately, a promo for 2×14 was released early, and in the Twitter tumult, people neglected to censor themselves about the huge spoiler that it revealed. So, since I couldn’t unsee the reveals, I went ahead and watched the promo. Sigh. Oh well. (Next week’s episode looks amaaaaaazing by the way!) But maybe that’s why the Bonnie and Abby stuff was so blah for me—because there was no suspense. I knew they’d open it and who was inside. Sorry Bonnie and Abby. It’s not your fault.

Now, let us return to the Original family business. Rebekah: “I like what you’ve done with the new place, Nik.” With that, she throws a vase across the room, knocking a painting off the wall. Ha! Klaus: “I wanted it to be for all of us. A place we could all call home. A place we could all be a family. None of us would ever have to be alone again.” Elijah: “Well, you’re right. None of us will be.” Finn: “You’re staying behind.” Rebekah: “We’re leaving you, Nik. Right after I kill that doppelgänger wench. Then you will be alone. Always and forever.” Klaus: “If you run, I will hunt all of you forever.” Elijah: “Then you’ll become everything you hate: our father.” Klaus FREAKS OUT. And really, it should be said that Joseph Morgan is INCREDIBLE. I mean, Klaus is certainly not my favorite Original, but gah … Morgan is sooooo good in this episode. So good. Klaus starts screaming: “I’m the hybrid! I can’t be killed! I have nothing to fear from any of you!” Elijah: “You will when we have that coffin.”

But then, all the siblings are completely cowed when their MOM walks into to the room. Oh hi, Esther. I hope you had a nice thousand year nap. Yep, Mama Original was in the mystery coffin. Do you think she’s a vampire? Or has she been kept alive through magic? The kids are just so shocked. I love all of their expressions. Klaus’s petulant look, especially. He knows that he’s been a bad boy. Again, Joseph Morgan is so good in this scene. Esther demands her son’s attention: “Look at me. Do you know why I’m here?” Klaus: “You’re here to kill me.” Esther: “Niklaus, you are my son, and I am here to forgive you.” Then she looks around at all her children, as the music swells. “I want us to be a family again,” she declares. The end.

Do we believe Mama Original? Has she really forgiven her murderous son? What did you think of the new characters, Kol and Finn? Thoughts on Tatia, the original Petrova? How will Elena get back on Rebekah’s good side? What’s Tyler up to? Who is killing Council members? Theories? Reactions? Comment below.

Um … I just found this almost-finished post from MONTHS AGO in my drafts folder on WordPress. Oops! My apologies for its lateness. Eleven episodes of Ringer have now aired, so I am ridiculously behind. I know, ridiculous. After this haircap, I’ll fast-forward to the most recent episode.  I’m still really enjoying the show, but it definitely takes a high level of suspension of disbelief, and it is not the kind of show that I would take too seriously. It’s soapy fun. Hence the haircaps. I am super behind on said haircaps, so let us all travel back in time together, to episode five, where Gemma was possibly killed. While episode five didn’t have very many hair or clothing changes, it was possibly the best episode of Ringer up to this point [this point was episode seven]. Why? Because the show finally seemed self aware. However, on the downside, episode five did not include any of Siobhan’s Parisian shenanigans. Sacré bleu! Quelle horreur! So, without any further ado, on to the look-by-look recap …

LOOK 1: Look familiar? That’s right. Bridget is still in her birthday jumpsuit from the night before. There has been no sleep. She’s still rocking the chunky sweater. Most importantly, her hair is the worse for wear, which shows us her PAIN. Really, each flat lock demonstrates the intense stress that Bridget is under. I mean, you can just tell by this do that she is just absolutely distraught over her fake best friend’s unexplained disappearance. Kidding! JK! She’s absolutely distraught over what said fake best friend might reveal about her. Let’s be real. When we left off on previous episode, Bridget had come clean to Gemma in the Hamptons. “I’m not Siobhan. I’m Bridget.” Cliffhanger alert! Then Gemma ran off, after telling Bridget that she didn’t believe her. Uh oh.

At the opening of this episode, Bridget, Andrew, and Henry all ride home from the Hamptons together. Awkward. Also, we get a mirror shot, for anyone keeping track at home. Drink! After a tension-filled elevator ride (see picture above), Bridget and Andrew arrive back at the loft. Bridget is braced for the worst. They enter to find the word “WHORE” scrawled in red over Siobhan’s portrait. OH NO! GEMMA HAS STRUCK!!! Wait … fake out! It was just the result of teenage angst and substance abuse! Juliet and her friends had a par-tay. That awkward moment when “whore” is written on your sister’s portrait, and you’re not sure who wrote it. Poor Bridget. You know things are rough when there are multiple suspects for defaming the portrait of the identical twin you’re pretending to be. (I know, I know. What even is this show?) Andrew asks Juliet to apologize for defacing the portrait, further proving his lackluster parenting skills. Clearly the portrait is not the biggest problem here. 

Photo Credit: Michael Desmond/ The CW.

LOOK 2: Flashback look! The real Siobhan rocks a simple and elegant up-do with a delicate headband. All the better to show off her sparkly dress and plunging neckline. She looks amaaaaazing. Siobhan basically wins this look-off right off the bat. Sorry, Bridget. Your faux-bhan can’t compete with the real thing. How did we sneak a peek at this Siobhan from the past? Gemma goes home and watches an old home video, featuring the fabulous foursome. Armed with new knowledge, she now notices that Henry and Siobhan are making eyes at each other at the party. Henry comes home and is his typical selfish self. Gemma won’t tell him what happened. Then Gemma spots a burn mark on the real Siobhan in the video, and realizes that Bridget was telling her the truth. Meanwhile, Henry receives his manuscript back and a note to call his publisher. ZOMG, I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT CITY BURNS IS NOT A HIT! His muse was a crazy woman and Henry has the soul of an artist! (Sarcasm font.)

LOOK 3: Then Bridget wears this. I know, I don’t understand it either. At first I thought it was pajamas, but then she wore it out. In later pictures, you can actually see that the top is navy, not black, and includes ruching. Perhaps it is a couple sizes too big? Her hair actually looks great, though a bit predictable for her. This is basically her birthday hair, minus the festive headband. One can’t wear festive headbands when one’s fake best friend is missing, after all. Nor when one is dealing with substance-abusing minors.

Bridget and Andrew have a heart-to-heart about Juliet. He was really touched by “Siobhan” comforting Juliet in the bathroom the other night. Awww. Bridget’s less nostalgic and more, “Your daughter’s using drugs, so let’s search her room.” Andrew thinks that this is an invasion of her privacy. Um, Andrew, step up. Be a parent. Your daughter could be in physical danger. The drugs Bridget found earlier were serious business. This is not a teen weed habit.

Also, this is what Juliet’s room looks like:

Butterfly picture and floral lamp? This really does not feel very Juliet to me. Did the real Siobhan decorate it like this to torture her? Hmmm. I would not put it past that evil twin. Next, Briget and her loose chignon  go to see Gemma. Gemma checks Bridget’s forearm for Siobhan’s scar, but Bridget is scar-free. Gemma explains that Siobhan was burned in a cooking class. The two sit and talk. Bridget reveals that Siobhan killed herself. Gasp! Gemma asks how long–as in how long Bridget has been pulling this crazy scam. Bridge reveals that she’s been pretending for two weeks. Gemma: “I don’t get what kind of a person does this to their own sister.” Right?! Bridget claims that she doesn’t have a choice. Me: “Hmmm. I think you have a choice, and you chose Andrew. I can’t really blame you.” Bridget: “A desperate one. Gemma, I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t have a choice. The man that I’m supposed to testify against wants me dead. You can’t tell anyone.” Gemma is as moved by this as the audience: “I guess you are Siobhan’s sister. You somehow you made this all about you. For the record, I don’t have to do anything you ask me. I don’t even know you.” LOVE LOVE LOVE.

THEN, Juliet goes home to see her room ransacked, and decides to destroy Siobhan’s wedding dress. Yeah, she did. SERIOUSLY. This is a telling sign as to just how horrible Siobhan must have been to Juliet. Also, a sign of how incredibly batsh*t Juliet is. Lucky lucky Andrew. Just surrounded by the insane. Oh, and in the process of all the crazy, Juliet finds a pamphlet from NA. Uh oh.

Could Bridget hide in her coffee cup any harder? No. No, she could not. Just another NA Meeting for Bridge. Well, not exactly, because Bridget meets a new cute guy. Because she was really suffering a drought, you know. No cute guys for miles and miles. Unfortunately, this new cute guy also vaguely resembles Spencer Pratt, and once I figured that out, I CAN NOT UNSEE IT. His name is Charlie, and he will be important later. Also, Juliet shows up, spying on her fake step-mom. Uh oh.

Photo Credit: Michael Desmond/ The CW.

Later the three Martins down to eat. Apparently, Juliet and Andrew have “had a talk.” For some reason this talk did not result in Juliet forced into rehab or therapy. Amazing parenting skills, Andrew, once again. Juliet than catches Bridget in a lie, and reveals to Andrew that step-mommy dearest was in Brooklyn. BROOKLYN!?!? Can you believe it? It’s like she’s a Humphrey or something. Bridget looks absolutely terrified, but Juliet unwittingly saves her due to her own supreme selfishness. Juliet declares: “I’m not going to rehab. You’re not putting me into some program. I saw those people you were with. I’m not some low-life degenerate addict loser.” Juliet is horrible. And phew … close one there, Bridge.

Then Gemma shows up to talk to Bridget and Andrew. She sets up a big reveal … but then only says she can’t continue to work on the loft. When Andrew leaves, Bridget thanks Gemma, but Gemma wants more than appreciation. Gemma has a crazy scheme to catch Andrew cheating. She wants to divorce Henry, but doesn’t want to give him money or custody. There’s an adultery clause in her pre-nup, but she needs irrefutable proof. Thus, she orders Bridget to sleep with her husband, or else she’ll tell everyone who Bridget really is. Which causes THIS:

LOOK 4: What is even happening? It’s dark, but is it the middle of the night? Is it early morning? One thing’s for sure, Bridget is dressed to kill. This is the hair and accessorizing of a femme fatale. Oh, and as we can see by the pill bottle in her hand, Bridge contemplates falling off the wagon. Uh oh. She calls Malcolm, but he’s high and in a cage. (Remember, the bad guy kidnapped him and pumped him full of drugs.) Oh, and MIRROR ALERT. DRINK! After some hopeless crying, Bridget pours the pills down the sink. Woo hoo! You go, Bridget!

Then she goes to Brooklyn for a coffee date with Charlie. Wearing this same outfit. And it is daylight now, so I’m pretty sure that Bridget is rocking amazing silver heels and glamorous earrings at 9am. Rock on, Bridget. She vaguely explains her problem to Charlie: “Either I do something that I know is wrong to save my family, or I risk losing it all.” Charlie reminds her: “We addicts we feed on shame.” Thus, if she thinks it’s wrong, she can’t do it, or else. Oh, so apparently Charlie is Bridget’s new sponsor. Because having another hot guy as a sponsor should not be a problem after the last time, when, you know, SHE SLEPT WITH HER SPONSOR. This woman NEVER LEARNS. And does NA even allow this? Moving on …

Meanwhile, Henry acts like a supremely selfish idiot, making Gemma even more determined in her psychotic plan. Then this happens:

Gemma and Bridget meet at the loft. We learn that Bridget’s outfit is actually a dress, and that she has a metallic purse to set off her amazing shoes. Bridget takes a lesson from her accessories and acts all steely. Sleeping with Henry is NOT gonna happen. Sorry, Gemma! Gemma: “How’s Andrew gonna feel when he realizes that his real wife is dead, and he’s been sharing a bed with a drug addict stripper whore.” Awkward. Bridget wonders where she heard that, and Gema explains that she did her research. Then she brings up the FBI guy and delivers my favorite line in the series: “Did you really think this would work? It’s ridiculous. Aren’t you supposed to be pregnant for crying out loud? You had no right to do this to the people in Siobhan’s life.” WORD. Bridget: “I’m trying to help them. My sister left behind a huge mess. I’m trying to clean it up.” Riiiiight. Gemma: “This has nothing to do with them. Everything you’ve done has been self-serving.” WORD. Bridget denies this, however. Gemma asks her to prove it by sleeping with Henry. Gemma says that Bridget needs to seduce Henry by midnight tonight, or she’s telling Andrew. Dun dun dun.

Bridget contemplates her options.

Meanwhile, Andrew and Juliet talk consequences. Juliet has to go to public school now. THE HORROR. She asks why she’s being punished, but Andrew claims that it’s not a punishment. He says that her friends are a bad influence. Andrew: “Juliet, I can’t believe that this is about drugs. You’re so much better than this.” Really? Juliet: “It’s not about drugs. It’s about Siobhan. […] It’s like she’s a whole new kind of bitch. […] You and I both know that the only person Siobhan cares about is herself. […] You wanna know why I really hate Siobhan? Because she’s a cheating bitch who sleeps with married men.” Dun dun dun.

LOOK 5: Or is it still Look 4? She has the same hair, but those are different earrings. Is that the same dress? Honestly, I cannot tell. This show is so deep and complicated, you guys. And darkly lit. Bridget meets Henry at a bar. Henry: “I forgot how you sparkle up close.” Then he leans in for a kiss and it seems like she is too … but instead, she whispers in his ear: “Your wife knows about us.” Henry finally has a reaction of fear. FINALLY! Bridget continues: “She wants me to get you in bed so she can catch us.” She then spills the whole plan to him. “Henry, you need to fix this. You need to keep her quiet.” She wants him to tell Gemma that he loves her, learn to love her again, but Henry says he can’t. Suddenly he can’t live a lie. “I’m done.” Shut up, Henry. Bridget: “Then I’m out of moves.”

Here’s a better look at Bridget’s sequins. You know, the important stuff. When Bridge arrives home, she finds Andrew wearing a turtleneck. A turtleneck symbolic of guilt and a harbinger of deep discussion. For a minute, it seems like maybe he knows about Siobhan’s affair with Henry, but … psych! Juliet thinks Siobhan is a cheater because Andrew and Siobhan got together when he was still married to Juliet’s mom. Bad Andrew! The two then find a matchbook with the name of a club on it, and set off to find Juliet.

But before they leave, Crazy!Gemma shows up, wearing a weird fur vest to symbolize all her new crazy. She is pissed that Bridget didn’t sleep with Henry like she asked. Now everyone will find out the truth about Bridget! Bridget: “Do you have any idea how many twisted things I’ve learned about my sister’s life in the last few weeks?” Gemma: “Well, she kind of sucks.” Hee. Bridget tries to use Juliet’s well-being as a bargaining chip. Low. Bridget argues that she doesn’t want Henry, and says that maybe she can be the friend that Siobhan wasn’t. Nice try, but Gemma is moving fast on the crazy train.

Gemma leaves and makes a call from a cab to Henry. He calls her “sick,” and accuses her of wanting to take his invisible children away from him. Poor invisible children. He explains that Siobhan told him everything. She says they will have the conversation when she gets home, but he tells her not to bother. He’s going out. Hmmm …

Bridget and Andrew head to the club to find Juliet. Bridget adds a leather jacket to her ensemble. They find the troubled teen, and then there’s some discussion of Andrew’s previous marriage. Juliet thinks that if Andrew hadn’t met Siobhan, her parents marriage would have lasted. Andrew clarifies that is NOT the case. Then Bridget apologizes, because apologizing for her sister’s mistakes is her thing. Bridget: “I’ve done a lot of crappy things. And I would like the chance to make up for them.” Juliet seems to buy it.

Then they go home to wash “WHORE” off of Siobhan’s painting. The family that cleans together stays together.

MEANWHILE: Poor Malcolm is still being pumped full of drugs. His life is THE WORST.

CLIFFHANGER: Gemma calls Andrew, sobbing. She wants him to meet her at her house. It’s an emergency. Andrew arrives to the Butler apartment to find Henry, alone. He’s acting suuuuuper weird. He won’t let Andrew come in, and says that Gemma hasn’t been home all night. Then Henry goes inside to a ransacked apartment, blood on the walls. Woah.

Photo Credit: Unless otherwise indicated, screen captures are courtesy of the fabulous Glamorous-SMG.com. You can access the episode 5 gallery here.

*Thanks to my sister Gianna for coming up with the term “haircap.” How did I miss that?

Photo Credit: Quantrell D. Colbert/The CW.

Read on for my recap & review of The Vampire Diaries 3×12, “The Ties That Bind,” aired Thursday, January 19, 2012:

Anything exciting happen in this episode? Oh, just the return of Elijah. Eliiiiiijaaaaaahhhhh! Ahem. Let me compose myself. Eliiiiiiiijaaaaaaahhhh! Okay, okay, I’ll get there. I’ll get there. Ahem. What else happened? Oh yeah, that stuff. Sigh. “The Ties That Bind” was a bit of a mixed bag. A number of the plot developments felt a bit incongruous in the context of the excellent third season. After proving that he’s beyond the whole Elena obsession, Stefan was stalking Elena again? Elena confessed to Stefan that she kissed Damon … in a moment of groan-inducing timing? (Seriously, my Twitter timeline collectively groaned.) Bonnie’s long lost witch mother was revealed to have known about the doppelgänger for years and to have entombed Mikael … and yet the reveal took place in a tepid expositional scene that failed to move me? The central dramatic tension relied on a bond between two people we’ve never met before? Tyler brought in the man who tortured Caroline—Tyler helped rescue Caroline from Torture!Daddy’s clutches, remember—to help win her back? The episode just felt a bit off. Nevertheless, there were some highly entertaining parts—particularly the Alaric-Damon scenes. In fact, this episode was surprisingly hilarious, you guys! We needed some funny. I mean, there was even that part where Tyler attacked Torture!Daddy. Hilarious! Still laughing! Hee. And then there was the final scene. BOOM. On to the recap …

Bonnie’s dreaming of coffins again. Well, more correctly, one coffin, and it’s more like a nightmare. Witches’ lives are the worst. In the opening scene, Bonnie is back in that clearing in the woods from season one, but this time it’s a graveyard, featuring the headstones of a bunch of Bennetts. R.I.P. Sheila. Never forget. Also, in the clearing: the unopenable coffin. Klaus appears and says he figured out how to open it, then he attacks. Cut to darkness. Bonnie wakes up IN the coffin. Aaaagh! Her phone doesn’t work, so she starts yelling for someone to let her out. She tries to use magic, but it doesn’t work. Fiiiiiinally, someone opens the lid, bathed in a beautiful light. It’s Persia White, a.k.a. Bonnie’s mom. You can tell she’s a witch, because she clearly hasn’t aged in the 18 years since she gave birth to Bonnie. Those Bennetts have good genes.

Cut to Elena and Bonnie discussing said dream … in the old Witch House. What?! Bonnie is showing Elena the coffins and explaining everything!? What?! So much for keeping it a secret. She does a little more Original math for the benefit of Elena and the audience. Four coffins. Three coffins contain Elijah and two other family members, plus one mysterious coffin that won’t open. Bonnie’s dreams make her think that the locked coffin will help kill Klaus. Could the dreams be coming from the Original Witch, perhaps? Then Stefan enters, annoyed that Bonnie spilled the beans. Bonnie argues the weakest excuse in history: she needs Elena’s help to find the woman from her dream. Really, Bonnie? Really? Must be Elena’s amazing detective skills. (Though, on an emotional character note, I can totally understand why Bon would want her best friend’s support on this.) Bonnie reveals that she figured out that the woman in her dream is her mom, showing off an adorable picture of her toddler self with her mother. Title card. 

Later, we see Bonnie and Elena in the Gilbert kitchen, looking through a pile of Abby Bennetts. Bonnie thanks Elena for helping, and there’s a little forgiveness on both sides for the events of “Our Town.” Aw, besties. Elena’s worried about her friend, so she says Bonnie should just let Stefan obsess over this. It doesn’t have to be Bonnie’s problem. Bonnie: “The coffin’s spelled shut. That makes it a witch problem.” Good point. Then Damon enters, he found the right Abby Bennett, using compulsion. OMG, I can’t believe that Detective Elena wasn’t the one to find Abby! SHOCKED! Shocked, I tell you. Damon wants to come with the girls to talk to Abby, but Elena says no: “We don’t need your snarky commentary narrating the experience.” Damon gives her a ridiculous puppy dog look, and there’s some major sexual tension. Bonnie sees something’s up: “What’s going on with you two?” Damon: “We kissed. Now it’s weird. Have a great trip.” Ha!

Meanwhile, Tyler shows up at Caroline’s to apologize. Since he bit her with his deadly hybrid bite, Care thinks they’re way past apologies. But Tyler explains what happened, how it was out of his control, and a product of his sire bond with Klaus. To fix things, he called Caroline’s mom to get in touch with Bill Forbes, Caroline’s Torture!Daddy. Really, Tyler? Really? Tyler should be teaming up with Stefan and Damon to kill Klaus at this point, not enlisting the help of the guy he had to rescue Caroline from last month. Sigh. However, the reasoning SORT OF makes sense, since Bill can resist compulsion. Tyler thinks maybe Bill can help him resist the sire bond. Again, I think killing Klaus is the more efficient goal, but at least this is something. I wouldn’t have thought Tyler had it in him. I’m impressed that he’s not just giving up this time. Anyway, Bill agrees to help. Caroline wonders why he would. Bill: “Because he made a mistake, and now he wants to make good. And I understand that.” What? Are we seriously supposed to buy this speech, after how he last left Caroline? I’m not. Watch your back, Care.

At the Mystic Grill, Meredith and Alaric finish up lunch together. They’re super cute together, with adorable banter back and forth. Alaric: “Next time dinner?” Aw, he likes her! She says yes. Awww. Then Damon comes in, wondering what the hot doctor’s damage is. I always suspected that Damon was a Heathers fan. Alaric denies that she has damage, but Damon says it’s a fact of life. Alaric thinks about it and does remember that her ex called her a psycho case. Damon: “Yeah, but it comes from her ex. Doesn’t count.” Hee. Alaric: “I wonder what my exes would call me?” Damon: “Nothing. They’re all dead.” Heeeee. Favorite line EVER. Alaric: “Well, her ex is the medical examiner. So he’s dead … adjacent.” Hee. This whole conversation is my favorite. Damon: “She dated the medical examiner? Well, I don’t think he’s dead adjacent. I think he’s just dead. Murdered.” You guys, this is killing me. In THE BEST way. Alaric is surprised by this news. Damon explains, “The sheriff’s trying to keep a lid on it since he was staked in the chest like a vampire.” Alaric: “Well, Meredith didn’t say anything about that.” Damon: “Well, red flag number two.” Hey, Damon. I thought the first red flag didn’t count. Your math is biased. Alaric: “What do you think killed him?” Alaric: “I don’t know. But if I was a cop, your sexy doctor lady friend would definitely be a suspect.” Uh oh. Poor Alaric. I hope that Meredith doesn’t end up a psycho boyfriend killer, for his sake. Also, I’d like Meredith to stick around and be awesome, for her sake.

Back at Casa Salvatore, Stefan comes home to find Klaus very much at home, listening to music and drinking. Ha! Stefan asks what he’s doing there and what he wants. Klaus wants to know what he can do to get his family back. Stefan is still playing tough: “Well, see, Klaus, um … I’m not negotiating.” Klaus: “And you understand that holding them indefinitely is the same thing as dropping them in the ocean?” Good point. Uh oh. Stefan: “No, no. You leave Mystic Falls, and then give me a call in a few years and we’ll talk.” Ha! Nice try. Klaus: “I’m gonna give you another chance. Just one more. Let’s make a reasonable deal.” Stefan: “Or what? You make one move and …” Klaus: “That’s right. Crazy Stefan. How’s that working out for you? Any friends left?” Point to Klaus.

Meanwhile, Bonnie and Elena are driving out of Mystic Falls in Bonnie’s car. They discuss Bonnie’s history with her mom, how she left and never wrote or called. Poor Bonnie. Bonnie then changes the subject to the Elena-Damon kiss, asking the important question: “I mean … was it good?” Ha! Elena: “Doesn’t matter.” Bonnie: “That means it was.” Their convo is then interrupted by Stefan calling. I guess Klaus made him nervous? He wants to check up on Bonnie’s progress? Elena tells her to ignore him, but Bonnie points out Stefan’s stalkerish tendencies persistence, so Elena answers. He asks where they are, and Elena lies about staying at the lake house. Stefan says they need to move faster on opening the coffin, and Elena retorts that maybe it would help if he didn’t call every five minutes. So, he’s calling every five minutes now? What happened to solo act Stefan, who told Elena to go away? Stefan fake agrees to back off, but really we see that he is in the Gilbert kitchen, and has found the Abby Bennett research. Stealthy, girls. Way stealthy. I can see now why Bonnie turned to Elena for help.

Elsewhere, Klaus is on the phone with one of his hybrids. The hybrid is outside a house, and assures Klaus that he knows what he needs to do. He knocks on the door and Abby Bennett Wilson answers! Dun dun dun. What are the odds?

A short time later, Bonnie and Elena show up at the same house and ring the doorbell. As they wait on the porch, a guy walks up. Elena tells him that they’re looking for Abby Wilson, while Bonnie just kind of gawks. Oh, Bonnie, cute guys are your kryptonite. This show is a danger zone for you. Ruuuuuuun! He says that she looks familiar, and Bonnie reveals that Abby is her mom. The cute guy introduces himself as Jamie and invites the two girls in. He is hospitable, asking if they want anything to drink. Bonnie cuts to the chase: “So, are we like … related?” Ha! Oh, Bonnie. Jamie says that they’re not, and Elena gives her bestie a suggestive eyebrow raise. Really, Elena? Jamie explains that Abby used to date his dad, and then she took care of him. This makes Bonnie feel WONDERFUL of course. She was abandoned, so Abby could adopt a boy. Poor Bonnie. Then Abby comes in, asking whose car is outside. Bonnie: “I’m Bonnie. Your daughter.” Abby: “Hello, Bonnie.” Not the warmest of mother-daughter reunions.

Meanwhile, Tyler and Papa Forbes work on severing the sire bond down in the old Lockwood cellar, while Caroline looks on. Bill: “The brain’s like a muscle. The more you use it, the more it can do.” Also, he gets to the heart of Tyler’s connection to Klaus: “He freed you from your pain, so you feel indebted to him. To break the sire bond, you have to make yourself turn. Own your pain, and then you’ll owe Klaus nothing.” Well, it makes sense in theory, but as Klaus was the first hybrid ever, so hybrids have existed for like a month (?), how do we even know this will work?!?!? Caroline points out that it’s not a full moon, so Tyler can’t change. However, Bill says that Tyler’s a hybrid now. Geez, Bill sure knows a lot about hybrids. Anyone suspicious yet? Tyler balks a little at the prospect, not knowing where to start, but Bill gives him some motivation: “How badly do you want your freedom?” Tyler looks at Caroline and says, “Okay.” Caroline is worried, knowing what comes next. Then chained-up Tyler tries to change. His eyes turn yellow and bones start breaking.

Back at Abby’s house, Bonnie looks at picture of Jamie graduating. Elena asks how she’s holding up, and Bonnie tries to act like it isn’t getting to her. Abby enters with food, to break the ice. Elena tells her she has a beautiful home. Abby: “You’re so sweet. Just like your mom.” Elena is surprised to learn that she knew her mom. Abby: “Miranda was my best friend.” Bonnie: “So, you had a daughter and a best friend, and you still left?” Poor Bonnie. Abby: “My best friend is why I left. Fifteen years ago, a vampire came to town looking for you, Elena—looking for the doppelgänger. No one could manage to kill him, so I lured him out of town and cast a spell to desiccate him in a crypt in Charlotte.” Elena: “Mikael. He was an Original vampire.” Abby: “It took every ounce of power I had. Almost killed me. I recovered, but my magic didn’t. My powers never came back.” Bonnie: “And neither did you.” Ouch. Abby: “It wasn’t that simple.” Um, yeah, it kind of was. Bonnie: “It wasn’t? You cast a spell, put Mikael down, and what? Had to teach Jamie how to drive?” Elena tries to step in, but Bonnie has had it: “This was a mistake. She has no magic. She can’t help us.” Abby: “Bonnie, wait! Don’t go. Talk to me, please.” Elena says she’ll wait outside, wanting to give them some privacy. Or trying to make it easier on potential kidnappers this week. Whatever.

Let us discuss. Abby and, presumably, Miranda knew about Elena being the doppelgänger. Wow. This begs the question of whether the whole Council knew, or whether the Gilberts and Bennetts kept it a secret. Why didn’t anyone ever tell Elena? Warn Elena? Prepare Elena? Also, is the fact that Elena was the doppelgänger the reason why the Gilberts adopted Elena? Or did they only find out later? If the latter, that is quite the coincidence. This all leads me to think that Miranda and Grayson Gilbert’s deaths were NOT an accident. I mean, I always suspected that there was more going on, but now I really do. I hope that we’ll get some flashbacks to that time. Also, we learned that Abby was the one who entombed Mikael, as I (and others) had suspected. Check. The power it took to do so made her lose her magic. (Except, as we learn later, there’s more to that part.) If one Bennett witch all on her own could entomb an Original, Bonnie should definitely be able to entomb/ kill Klaus with a little help, right? Calling all witches! Stop helping vampires and please report to Mystic Falls immediately. Oh, and the confirmation that Abby is a Bennett witch means that Abby is Sheila’s daughter, right? There had been some confusion in the fandom as to whether Bonnie’s dad was Sheila’s son, given the last name thing, but this seems to confirm that Bennett witches just keep their names, regardless of marriage, and pass those names down to their kids. Do you think that Bonnie’s dad is a total muggle, or does he have some magical lineage too? Do you think we’ll ever meet him? Does he even exist? Moving on …

When Elena goes outside, it’s like a scene from a horror movie. And her ex-boyfriend shows up to amp up the creepy. Stefan: “Hi, Elena. Nice lake house.” How does giving Elena a hard time further your Klaus-killing agenda, Stefan? Also, since Elena is the ONE person who Klaus definitely doesn’t want to kill, shouldn’t she be the one out investigating anyway? This seems like something old Stefan would do. You are falling into Elena-obsession habits. I liked you better last week when you were psychotic.

Meanwhile, at the hospital, Damon introduces himself to Dr. Fell. Ha! Checking up on Alaric’s potential girlfriend. She recognizes him as Alaric’s friend from the Council meeting. Damon: “Sorry about your boyfriend. Animal attack. Brutal.” Meredith: “Ex-boyfriend. And thanks. I’m still kind of processing.” Damon: “I just thought I’d come by and tell you that it wasn’t an animal attack. And then I realized … you signed the death certificate.” She gestures for him to come into another room, to speak more privately.

Meredith: “Would you rather I said he was staked like a vampire?” Damon: “Wasn’t he the guy who coined the phrase ‘animal attack’?” Meredith: “Why do you even care?” Damon: “Because Ric likes you. And if you’re a psychopath, that would really suck for him.” Awww. I guess Damon figures that Alaric already has one dark-haired psychopath in his life. He doesn’t need two. Meredith is incensed: “You think I killed my ex-boyfriend?” Damon: “I think psychopaths are incredibly high maintenance.” And he knows from psychopath. Poor Alaric. It sucks when your psycho bestie is jealous of your (potentially) psycho girlfriend. Meredith: “If you care about your friend, go find out how Ric came into the ICU on his deathbed, and then walked out an hour later without a scratch.” Uh oh. Damon: “Fair enough.” He turns to go, but Meredith quickly vervains him and then jacks his blood, leaving him unconscious. Wow. If Meredith were ever to come across Nanny Carrie, Meredith would beat her with a shovel and bury her in the backyard. #TeamMeredith

Back in the Lockwood cellar, Tyler is busy transforming. He’s in major pain, all of his bones breaking. Finally, he says he can’t. Bill tells him to try harder. Caroline says that he needs to rest. Both guys tell Caroline to go, and she does. (Another unlikely plot development. But maybe her recent brush with death has made her … I don’t know. Ldjsfldksdlkf.) Bill picks up an axe and starts going after Tyler. Uh oh. Bill: “Your bond to Klaus is putting my daughter in danger. Either you turn, or I kill you right now.” Tyler transforms some more, and those chains look pretty wimpy. I think Bill Forbes is going to regret this.

Back at Abby’s home, Bonnie has had enough: “Please, just stop with the muffins and the compliments. I just want to know the truth. Why didn’t you come home?” Abby: “I had no magic, I was in a new city, and I realized I had the chance to be somebody else. To be Abby Wilson the woman, not Abby Bennett the witch. I’m not proud of what I did, Bonnie. I ran. I know I ran. But you had your dad and your grams. And okay, let’s face it, your grams is way better at this stuff than I am.” Bonnie realizes that Abby doesn’t know about Sheila’s death: “You don’t know.” Abby: “What? …. How?” Bonnie: “We were doing a rough spell and we both exhausted ourselves. Her more than me.” Bonnie tears up. Abby: “Well, she raised you right. I’m sure she would have been very proud of you. Well, now you know my whole story. How ‘bout you tell me yours. What brings you to me?” Bonnie: “It was a dream, actually. I thought you were supposed to help us. But if you don’t have any magic …” Abby: “Spells, no. But I’m not completely useless. The earth still provides herbs and such. There might be something I can do.” Bonnie: “I don’t think so.” Abby: “Bonnie, please. Let me help you.” Hmmm. I don’t trust her.

Cut to Elena and Stefan outside, arguing. Stefan: “This is exactly why I didn’t want you in the loop, Elena.” ??? Elena: “Yeah, because you can’t do whatever you want.” ???? I don’t even know what is happening right now. Thankfully, Jaime interrupts. Stefan acts all threatening, so Elena tries to get Jamie to leave. Stefan compels Jamie to leave. Buuuuuut theeeeennnnn … Jamie comes back. With a shotgun. He was compelled by that hybrid. Uh oh. He shoots Stefan full of wooden buckshot, in the chest, while Abby grabs Bonnie inside. Uh oh. Looks like Mama Bennett drugged her daughter. This mother-daughter reunion is not going well.

Meanwhile, far far far better things are happening at Alaric’s apartment, a.k.a. the Room of Requirement. This is my very favorite scene of the episode. So, Damon looks at something in a pot: “You’re good, for now.” Meanwhile, Alaric is lifting weights. Take another look, for science. You guys, Damon is helping Alaric COOK, while Alaric LIFTS WEIGHTS. I think this is the meaning of life or something. Oh, and also, Damon is pouring himself some bourbon IN A COFFEE MUG, and counseling Alaric on his LOVE LIFE. I just … I mean … it’s perfect. Ahem. Let’s get into the details. Alaric: “Still obsessed with Meredith? I mean, don’t you have an Original vampire to worry about?” Damon: “Nah ah ah! Do ten more of those. You’re gonna want to buff up if you start dating this one. Self defense and all.” Hee. Alaric: “What’s your problem?” Damon: “Your doctor vervained me. And then she blood-jacked me.” Alaric: “What? I mean, when did you even see her?” Damon: “When I went to the hospital to accuse her of killing her ex boyfriend. Which, by the way, very sensitive subject.” Ha! Alaric: “Damon, what the hell are you doing, huh?” Damon: “Why are you mad at me?” Alaric: “I told you I’d handle this.” Damon: “I proved your theory. Diagnosed psycho case. You’re welcome.” I love this show.

Back at Abby’s house, Jamie ties Elena to a post. Well, at least the girl went half an episode without being kidnapped or captured. Sigh. She begs for Jamie to let her go, but he’s on a compelled mission. She’s worried about Stefan, who is not looking so good, what with the splinters of wood filling his chest and all. From across the yard, Abby calls for Jamie’s help. Elena sees Bonnie being dragged out of the house, and calls for her friend, but there’s nothing she can do but watch as Abby and Jamie load unconscious Bonnie into a car.

Meanwhile, Tyler is busy changing into a werewolf. His chains are looking verrrrryyyy strained. OMFG Bill’s face! Funniest. Episode. Ever. Tyler tells Papa Forbes to leave, right before escaping his chains. Another shot of Bill’s face. Fun times!

Cut to Abby driving up to meet Klaus’s hybrid minion. Abby says that Bonnie didn’t tell her where the coffins are yet. Gasp! Abby’s in on it! Or is she compelled? We shall see. Soon, Bonnie comes to. Abby tells her daughter that she needs to tell her where the coffins are, because if she doesn’t, that hybrid compelled Jaime to kill himself. Ahhh. I see. He compelled Jaime and used his life as leverage to make Abby play ball. Bonnie refuses at first, but Abby perseveres: “All you need to do is tell me where they are. Then we’ll have held up our end of the bargain.” She follows this declaration up with a sneaky text: “Warn your friends.” Good job with the last minute save, Abby. But I’m betting this hybrid minion will NOT be getting a raise. Loose ends, hybrid minion! Tie ‘em up.

Meanwhile, Jaime reveals the details of his compulsion to Elena and Stefan. Elena: “What about me? What did he say about me?” Jaime: “I’m not supposed to hurt you.” Elena thinks fast: “Well, are you sure? Because these ropes are so tight that it is hurting me.” Jamie comes closer to check, and Elena knocks him out. Go Elena!!! That’s some ponytail action right there. Woot! Then she starts taking the pieces of the wood out of Stefan’s chest. BUMMER. You guys, how cool would it have been if Elena had just waltzed out of there? “See ya! Thanks again for kidnapping me, traumatizing me with memories of my parents’ deaths, and almost turning me into a vampire yesterday. Let’s NEVER do that again. Buh bye!” That would have been the best. (I mean, she could have called Damon to see to Stefan’s wounds. I’m not a monster.)

Meanwhile, Damon has to deal with the coffin drama. He goes to the Witch House, only to find Klaus. Well, Klaus and A LOT of candles. Awww, I think Klaus was expecting Stefan. Oops. Klaus: “What took you so long? Hiding behind your witchy friends, and in squalor no less.” Suddenly, Klaus is in throes of pain. Hee. Funniest. Episode. Ever. (What? I love when the bad guys get tortured. Sorry.) Damon: “Insulting a bunch of dead witches, not smart. I made the exact same mistake first time I came in here.” Hee. Good one, Damon. Unfortunately, Klaus has leverage. He holds the lives of Bonnie and Abby in his hands, so he wants to make a deal: “As we speak, my hybrid friend is prepared to end the Bennett line.” (He also threatens to kill all the other descendants of the 100 dead witches too.) The witch spirits stand down. And you guys, Damon’s face! You need to rewatch that scene to catch his hilarious annoyed/disappointed/but not really surprised expression. Hee. Klaus is back to business: “Now, please. Show me the coffins.” And the witch spirits do. The coffins are revealed … except there are only three. Klaus is angry: “Where’s the fourth? Show me!” Damon: “Well, here’s the thing. They can’t. It’s not here.” Ooooh. This is a really episode for Damon. Klaus: “What’d you do?” Damon: “Well, Bonnie gave me the head’s up. I mean I didn’t have time to get all four, but I did have time to get one.” Klaus makes threats of bodily harm. Hee. Angry Klaus is kind of funny. Damon: “Sorry, same rules apply. Leverage and all. I know you want your family back. Something tells me you want what’s in that coffin a looooot more.” Oooooh! What do we think is in that coffin? Theorize in the comments.

Cut to Alaric at the hospital. He’s there to see Meredith. Alaric: “You want to tell me what you’re up to?” Meredith: “You talked to Damon?” Alaric: “Yeah, I did.” Meredith: “He wasn’t supposed to wake up so soon. I used enough vervain to sedate him for hours.” Alaric: “Well, he drinks it. Every day. To build up an immunity, so people like you don’t get the jump on him.” Hee. Meredith: “I’m not crazy, Ric.” Alaric: “Really, then what are you?” Meredith: “You really wanna know? Stick around.” Then we see an injured man being wheeled in. Alaric: “Is that Bill Forbes?” Dun dun dun.

Meanwhile, Elena is still tending to Stefan’s wounds, as he writhes in pain. Finally, she gets the last piece. Stefan: “You’ve changed. There’s something different about you. You’re stronger. Tougher.” Please, be more patronizing Stefan. I dare you. Also, shut up. Elena: “You’re not the only one who changed, Stefan. We all had to.” Stefan: “That’s good to know.” Elena then chooses this moment to bring up the love triangle: “There’s something I have to tell you. And it’s not that I feel guilty that it happened, it’s that I feel guilty that you don’t know. I kissed Damon.” GROAN. Also, Elena has NOTHING to feel guilty about. Did she not watch the last few episodes? Stefan gets up silently and walks away. Sad music plays. Snore.

Back at the hospital, Meredith explains the Bill Forbes sitch to Alaric: “He was found in the woods. An actual animal attack.” Ha! Then Mere pulls out vampire blood. She tells Alaric: “You want to know my secret? I cheat. I’m a doctor and I hate when people die. So when I have the ability to do something about it, I do.” So, Meredith bloodjacks vampires on the regular. Seems like this must be what Brian and Meredith were arguing about at the bridge fundraiser. What do you guys think of this subplot? I mean, I guess it’s good to address the whole vampire-blood-heals thing, but I don’t know. I just don’t want it to veer into True Blood territory, with V dealers and stuff. We’ll see.

Cut to Elena and Stefan. Elena followed him, asking him to say something. Stefan: “I shouldn’t have kidnapped you. The car, the bridge … it was too far.” Elena: “Thank you.” Stefan: “But you shouldn’t have lied to me today. You can’t go off and do things like that, Elena. Not while Klaus is still alive.” WHY?!?! Remember, she’s the one person Klaus doesn’t want to kill. Elena: “I know. I just … I wanted to give Bonnie a moment with her mother, without everything else getting in the way.” Ooooh, that is a little too close to an apology for my tastes. Don’t you DARE, Elena. Stefan: “Without me getting in the way.” Elena: “I didn’t plan on kissing him.” Stefan: “You’re better than him, Elena. You’re better than both of us.” He gets in his car and drives away. Hmmm. While I found all this Elena-Stefan stuff SUPER annoying, I did think it was sort of “interesting” that Stefan’s reaction was like, “You’re too good for Damon.” Especially since he’s been basically PUSHING them together all year. Be careful what you wish for, dumb ass. I don’t even feel like one morsel of compassion for Stefan in this scenario. 1) When you intentionally destroy your relationship, you get a destroyed relationship. Duh. 2) HOW DID HE NOT SEE THIS DAMON-ELENA KISS COMING? LIKE, FROM THE PILOT? Teenage vampires can be sooooo blind. Moving on.

Meanwhile, Bonnie and her mom have a heart-to-heart on the side of the road. Bonnie tells her mom that Elena is on her way and Jamie is safe. Bonnie is on the bitter bus: “You were willing to do all this for him, and he’s not even your family.” Abby: “He is my family, Bonnie. I know that might be hard for you to hear, but he is. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. I want to help you.” Bonnie: “You can’t. You have no magic and I don’t trust you.” Yeah, but maybe she has information. We have not learned nearly enough about the past. Abby: “When I put Mikael down, my magic didn’t just leave me. It drifted away. The longer I stayed away from you, the weaker it got. I think nature was punishing me for abandoning you. What if you could help me get my magic back?” Bonnie: “I thought you said you didn’t want it anymore.” Abby: “I don’t. But if it’s what you wanted, I would do that for you.” Hmph. Now I’m worried that Abby is going to use Bonnie to get her magic back, and then abandon her all over again. Poor Bonnie.

At the hospital, Tyler goes to see Bill. He sees that his recent chew toy is better. Bill: “Yeah. I shouldn’t be, but I didn’t have any say in the matter.” Shut up, Bill. Tyler apologizes, but Bill says that he knew the risks. He asks how Tyler feels, post-transformation. Tyler: “Different. A little more myself.” Bill: “Then we’ll continue tomorrow.” Hahahahaha! Poor Tyler. Tyler: “What are you talking about? I turned.” Bill: “Once. To break the sire bond, turning needs to be painless. And from what I saw today, you’re still a long way off.” Tyler: “I can’t put myself through that again.” Bill: “You will. Because until you’re capable of acting on your own free will, I’m not letting you anywhere near my daughter.” You guys, if Tyler cowboys up and goes through the transformation over and over and over again, it will totally ruin my Anakin Skywalker theory! No fair, Writers!

Cut to Alaric and Meredith arriving at the Gilbert home. Alaric: “You told me your secret, this is mine.” With that, he shows her his weapon bag. Must be love. Meredith: “You’re a vampire hunter?” Alaric: “Semi-retired.” Yeah, these days he’s more a drink-with-vampires hunter. But I have hope! Meredith jokes, “You’re trying to get out of taking me to dinner, aren’t you?” Alaric explains that he wants to be honest. No secrets. She wonders how he survived getting hit by a truck, asking if it was vampire blood. Alaric nods and holds up his hand: “And this ring.” Meredith: “A vampire hunter who can’t be killed by vampires. Convenient.” She starts to pull off the ring, but he resists. Meredith?!?! There will be no removing of the ring! Hmph. Meredith: “Are you worried I’m a supernatural being?” Alaric: “One can never be too careful.” The chemistry is flying at this point, and the two kiss. It’s hot. I mean, Meredith might be evil, but it’s hot. Unfortunately, before the Chunky Monkey, Elena interrupts. Awkward. Meredith says she’s gonna go, and books it. Alaric apologizes and is soooo embarrassed. It’s pretty adorable how embarrassed he is. Elena says it’s okay. Alaric feels sooooo bad. So cute. Swoon. Elena: “The minute you slept on that couch, it became your place too. We needed you and … you stayed. So thank you for that. Hey, look, I know it’s hard. But Jenna’s gone. And you’re allowed to move on.” Awww. I got a little teary eyed the second time I watched that scene. Family.

Cut to a very different family scene over at Casa Salvatore. Stefan goes home to see Damon by a roaring fire. Ooooh, good. It’s always nice to have a fire in the background when there are fisticuffs. Damon fills his brother in on the coffin situation and how Bonnie’s mom has no magic. Stefan: “Yeah, doesn’t surprise me. It’s been that kind of night.” Damon asks if Elena’s okay. Saying the E-word pushes Stefan’s last button, and he turns and punches him. Ha! And expected. Damon takes it in stride: “I take it you two had a heart-to-heart. And I take it you don’t want to talk about it. Noted. So why don’t we talk about this?” He holds up an Original killing dagger. Stefan: “What did you do?” At this point, by inner monologue was like, “OMFG, DID DAMON DO WHAT I THINK HE DID? HE BETTER HAVE DONE WHAT I THINK HE DID. IF HE DID, ALL THE HEARTS TO DAMON. CONFETTI FOR DAMON. A PARADE FOR DAMON!!!!”

We cut to Klaus’s house, where he discusses things with his hybrid minion. Klaus gets ready to exit the room, citing unfinished business. But then, the hybrid minion freezes in horror, as someone snatches his heart from behind. Elijah casually says, “So, Niklaus, what’d I miss?” Eliiiiiiiiiiiiijaaaaaahhhh! All the hearts. All the stars. All the fandom clutching their pearls in unison. BOOM.

Photo Credit: Quantrell D. Colbert/The CW.

And look what we get next week, courtesy of an officially released episode still. New hair cut! Violence against Salvatores! Cannot wait. In the meantime, let’s discuss in the comments below.

Photo Credit: Quantrell D. Colbert/The CW.

Well ... at least you had a good hair day, Caroline. That's something. Photo Credit: Bob Mahoney/The CW.

Read on for my recap & review of The Vampire Diaries 3×11, “Our Town,” aired Thursday, January 12^th, 2012:

Happy Birthday, Caroline Forbes! Or should I say … Happy Funeral? You may not have gotten everything you wanted, but the audience got an amazing episode of The Vampire Diaries. You’re such a selfless heroine. Plus, to paraphrase Buffy, the important thing is that you began a special birthday tradition of gut-wrenching misery and horror. Hurrah!

This episode was an important turning point for a number of our characters. Caroline said goodbye to her human life, with the help of her friends. Elena put to rest her past self as well, facing the truth of how much she has changed. Jeremy said goodbye to his loved ones, off to new adventures in Denver. We also learned the true strength of the sire bond, as Tyler was forced to do the worst thing he could possibly do (boo, Klaus!). And finally, Stefan proved how far he was willing to take this whole bad-boy thing, much to Elena’s chagrin. (Answer: way way way way too far.) All in all, it was a very emotionally powerful episode of The Vampire Diaries. Oh, and SPOILER ALERT: Matt was perfect. On to the recap …

“I’m walking on sunshine! Woooo oooo! I’m walking on sunshine! Woooo hooo!” What? What’s that sound I hear? Oh, it’s just Damon taking a shower, filled to the brim with happiness after last night’s kiss. Well, it’s important to enjoy the small joys in life, as I’m sure horrible things are bound to happen soon.  

Elena, on the other hand, is all dark and intense punchy girl, working out in Alaric’s room of Requirement. Her inner theme song the morning after The Kiss is a little more Metallica, a little less sunshiny. Gilberts … always so intense. Apparently, Elena didn’t sleep well last night. Neither did Alaric, though he has a more sympathetic excuse: “It must have something to do with dying.” Waaaah waaaaah. Oh, Alaric, you slay me. Elena sees this all as another reason for Jeremy to get out of town. Oooookay. Alaric says that Jeremy was packing when he left the house. Damon’s compulsion worked. Elena then acts cagey about Damon, asking if Alaric has talked to him. When Alaric asks why, Elena hurriedly replies, “No reason.” Sigh.

Meanwhile, Stefan waits for Damon to get ready at Casa Salvatore. The two brothers have plans to meet up with Bonnie at the Witch House. They have coffin-opening-Klaus-destroying work to do. Stefan wonders why Damon is all chipper. Sigh.

Back at the Witch House, Bonnie speaks Witch Latin, but it doesn’t work. She gets annoyed and yells at the coffin: “Why won’t you open?!” Ugh, I hate when that happens. Outside the house, Damon and Stefan approach, and they hear something. Turns out, one of Klaus’s hybrids is snooping around. Damon kills him with a heart snatch. “These hybrids. Really bringing the neighborhood down.” Word. Ugh, hybrids. Aaaaaand title card.

At school, Elena decorates Caroline’s locker for her special day. Awww. Bonnie approaches and apologizes for running late. Bonnie has a “Happy Birthday Caroline” sign to contribute. Both girls are reticent about their recent activities. Tsk tsk. Elena then confesses about Jeremy leaving town soon, to Denver. Bonnie is not an idiot. “Jeremy wouldn’t just leave you to deal with Klaus on your own,” she argues. Elena: “I know. I asked Damon to compel him.” Ugh. Bonnie’s reaction is what it should be. Elena argues that he deserves a better life.

Meanwhile, Damon fruitlessly tries to open the sealed coffin, banging on it with a shovel. Stefan tells him that he’s wasting his time. Damon then does dome Original math to help the audience out: “3 sleeping originals, 4 coffins.” Like the entire fandom, he wonders who is in that 4^th coffin. Theories? Damon then yells at the witch spirits for not knowing how to open the coffin. Hee. Then there’s some back-and-forth between the Salvatore brothers, in regard to the best tactics to use against Klaus. Damon urges Stefan to keep the peace, but Stefan doesn’t want to play defense. Stefan assures his brother that Klaus is bluffing because his family means everything to him. Damon is not so sure. I’m a little worried Stefan has a gambling problem.

Back at school, Bonnie approaches Jeremy in the school hallway and is basically awesome. She does everything but actually tell Jeremy that his sister had him compelled. When Jeremy parrots the company line, regarding his exit, Bonnie sneakily says: “That’s what Elena said. That’s exactly what she said.” Extra emphasis on the “exactly.” Hee. Go Bonnie!

Outside in the parking lot, Caroline arrives at school. It should be noted that she’s wearing her hair straight and looks super pretty. Unfortunately, she also looks super sad. Poor Caroline. As she slowly gets out of her car, she spies Tyler waiting for her. Tyler says that he knows she’s upset, but she says it’s so much more. She knows about what happened with Jeremy in the last episode. Uh oh, Tyler. Tyler says that he understands why she can’t be with him. Even though he wants to put Caroline first, he can’t, and he’ll never be able to, and he’s so sorry. Caroline is sorry too. He then takes out a pouch and gives it to her. “Happy Birthday!” Awww. She opens it and it’s a charm bracelet. Poor Caroline is on the verge of tears. You guys, we’re only a few minutes in and Caroline is already sad! I don’t know if I can take this!

At Klaus’s new home, Klaus talks to his sister’s coffin, and then tells one of his hybrid minions to show Rebekah to her room. Aw, well, it’s nice that Klaus is giving Beks her own room. Stefan arrives and there’s some back-and-forth. “I don’t like your new friends!” “Well, I wanted to be your friend, but you wouldn’t let me!” “Friends don’t strip friends of their free will.” You know, the usual. Klaus also reiterates his desire to be reunited with his corpsified siblings. Stefan gives him an ultimatum: send the hybrids away, or risk losing his family. Stefan even threatens to drop Elijah in the Arctic. Um, you’ve gone TOO FAR, Sassy Stefan. Too far. We should drop you in the Arctic. Hmph. Then Stefan kills Klaus’s hybrid minion, to prove that he’s serious, and again orders Klaus to get rid of the hybrids. Wow. Excuse me while I cower in fear from the youngest Salvatore and all his insanity.

We then cut to Caroline arriving home from school. She is wearing an adorable outfit with flawless accessories, but she is still sad. So hard to be a teenage vampire with perfect hair. Then Bonnie, Matt, and Elena jump out to surprise her. Awww. Also, Matt in a party hat. MATT IN A PARTY HAT. I have now seen the best that life has to offer. Thank you, show. Thank you. The Scoobies then hand Care a birthday tiara, as befits her. Awww. So much cuteness. Caroline thanks her friends, but she’s not feeling her birthday this year. They point out that she used to love her birthday. Caroline points out that things have changed: “And now it’s just a reminder that technically I’m dead.” Awww. Also, since she died when she was 17, she says she’s stuck in a filler year. Poor Caroline. Her friends protest. Caroline says it’s fine, but that she needs time to wallow. Elena has another idea. Oh, this is sure to end well, and not in kidnapping and werewolf bites. I’m sure of it.

Meanwhile, Klaus’s hybrid Daniel asks his master where to dispose of the dead hybrid head (courtesy of Stefan). Then Tyler arrives and Klaus asks him to help him. Uh oh. Tyler chafes a little. Seems that he’s starting to rethink his total loyalty. Klaus then tells Tyler that he needs him to bite Caroline. WHAT?!?! Shut up, Klaus. Noooooooo! Klaus is the grossest. Klaus explains, “Stefan pushed me too far, so I’m pushing back.” He says that he’s putting Tyler’s undying loyalty to the test. Tyler stands strong, declaring that he will not hurt Caroline. You go, Tyler! Didn’t think you had it in you! I’m impressed. Klaus (pretends to) accept(s) this. He’ll find another way. That does not sound good.

Cut to Damon and Alaric arriving at a Council meeting. Aw, a date. Alaric, like everyone else, is confused about Stefan. He asks whether Stefan’s humanity is on or off. Damon diagnoses his brother as using a “dimmer switch.” Hee. Damon says that this is a problem, because he can’t predict how far Stefan will go. Alaric: “Suddenly you care who lives or dies?” Damon: “I have a small list.” Hee. Alaric: “Talk about a humanity dimmer switch.” Damon: “Screw you.” Oh, you two. Don’t stop. Alaric then catches eye of the sign: Wickory Bridge Restoration Fundraiser. “Can’t a council meeting ever just be a council meeting?” Ha! Never. Have fun, boys!

Meanwhile, Elena’s plan is put into action, as she brings Caroline and company to the Fell crypt. Yep, they’re going to have Caroline’s birthday in a tomb. Hee. Elena explains: “You don’t need a birthday. You need a funeral. You need to say goodbye to your old life so that you can move on with your new one.” Caroline: “Okay. Here lies Caroline Forbes …” Elena: “Cheerleader, Miss Mystic Falls, 3^rd grade hopscotch champion.” Bonnie: “Friend, daughter, overachiever.” Matt: “Mean girl, sometimes, no offense.” Caroline: “Ah, none taken.” Elena: “She was 17, and she had a really good life, so rest in peace so that she can move forward. It’s what you really need. It’s what we all really need. Amen. Or cheers or whatever.” Hee. I love this show. Then Bonnie lights the candles on an adorable birthday cake, featuring a skirt. So cute. Caroline makes a wish. I hope she wished to NOT die from werewolf bite.

Back at the fundraiser, Alaric and Damon look at a model of the bridge restoration. Damon points out that this is the bridge where Elena and Jeremy’s parents died. Alaric then wonders what’s up with Elena, since she’s been acting weirder than usual. Damon is all like, “Um … it’s probably Stefan.” Riiiiight. Sigh. Damon exits: “I’m gonna go get a drink, write a check, and then we’re out.”

This gives Meredith (!!!) an opening to approach: “Alaric Saltzman, miracle patient.” Alaric greets Dr. Fell, who is glad to see that he’s still alive. Me too, Mere, me too. Alaric: “Yeah, well, I guess I have nine lives.” Meredith: “Not a bad thing to have in a town with a vampire problem.” Ooooh. Well, she is a Fell. Alaric is all discombobulated: “I’m sorry … are you on the Founder’s Council?” Meredith: “I’m a Fell. I come from a long line of founders. May they rest in peace.” She looks at the model. “I hate that bridge. My senior prom date dumped me on this bridge.” Alaric: “Oh yeah? Did you throw him over?” Meredith: “No, but I should have. I’ve been holding a grudge ever since.” This will be important later. She then says she was coming over to hit up Alaric’s friend for a donation, meaning Damon. Alaric says she should, as he’s loaded. Way to pimp out Damon’s pocket book, Alaric. Hee. Meredith says he’s in good company: “Some British guy just pledged to match every dollar we raised.” Alaric: “What do you mean British guy?” Uh oh.

Speaking of “some British guy,” Damon sees the offending party sweet-talking Carol Lockwood. Damon: “Carol, and don’t take this the wrong way, but do you realize that you’re kissing the ass of an immortal hybrid who ruined your son’s life?” Hee. Favorite line of the episode, hands down. Klaus claims that he saved Tyler, due to “that nasty full moon business.” Sigh. Carol explains that Klaus has promised to protect Tyler and the town. Damon points out that it’s his hybrids that are endangering the town. Well … this week. Sigh. Klaus tells Damon that all he has to do is to get Stefan to stop decapitating his friends. Klaus: “Oh come on, mate. Give peace a chance.” Hee.

Back at the crypt party, Caroline is busy texting someone. Elena scolds her. Caroline admits that she was texting Tyler. Bonnie: “Oh, give her a break. You can’t control what everyone does all the time.” Oooooh! No she didn’t! It’s Caroline’s birthday, and she’ll text if she wants to. Elena: “Wow.” Matt: “Ouch, Bon.” Bonnie: “I’m sorry. I know that it’s Caroline’s birthday, or funeral or whatever. I just feel that it’s really wrong that you compelled Jeremy to leave town.” Word. Elena: “I’m doing it to protect him, Bonnie. I want to give him a chance at a halfway normal life.” Bonnie: “He should be able to choose how he wants to live it. You’re taking his choices away.” Exactly. Elena: “Bonnie, you can’t tell him” Bonnie: “Why? Are you gonna compel me not to?” Oooooh! Things just got serious. Also, well said, Bonnie. Where does the compulsion stop? At what point does Elena decide that she disagrees with someone else’s decisions, and send Damon after them? This is just not an okay way to operate. Especially after seeing all the pain wrought by Klaus’s compulsion. I mean, Klaus’s compulsion RUINED HER LIFE. Check yourself, Elena. Matt is feeling all the awkward, so he steps in: “You know, you guys are ruining a perfectly good funeral.” Bonnie apologizes. (Obviously, she’s the one who has to, because it’s not like Elena ever would.) She says she needs to sleep it off or something, wishes Care a happy birthday, and leaves. I’ve never been more Team Bonnie than in this episode.

Meanwhile, Sheriff Lockwood and Damon discuss the night’s reveals. Liz: “I’m not gonna let [Klaus] hold this town hostage. But I’m also not gonna let innocent people get caught in a crossfire of a pissing contest between and a vampire.” Woot! You go, Liz! Damon agrees: “Liz, I’m impressed. You’re all strong and sheriffy.” She says that she’s not kidding, and tells him to get Stefan to stand down. Easier said than done.

Back inside the party, Meredith and an unknown man argue. He says that she’s going to ruin her career. She points out that he owes his job to his father. Man: “Do you have any idea what you’re messing with?” Things get heated. Meredith: “Back off, Brian.” Well, now we have a name. Alaric intercedes, asking if everything is alright. Brian says that everything’s fine. Alaric: “It didn’t look fine.” Brian: “You might want to get to know her before you become her white knight. She’s kind of a psycho case.” Aw, poor Torrey DeVitto. Another character described as a psycho. I’m sure that Meredith is a perfectly nice and sane young woman. Alaric: “You’re that guy, aren’t you? The one begging to get his teeth kicked in?” Brian: “Take it from me, man. Life’s too short.” Meredith: “Just go away, Brian.” He leaves. Meredith: “Behold, my senior prom date.” Uh oh. Alaric: “You definitely should have thrown him over the bridge.” Ha! Meredith: “Unfortunately, I have to work with him. He’s on the Council—medical examiner. Guy who signs his name under ‘Cause of Death: animal attack.’” Ha! I love that someone has that job. Perfection. Then Meredith receives a page and says goodbye to Alaric: “Duty calls. Thanks for the hero moment.” Alaric: “Anytime.” Awwww.  Here’s a visual representation of all the pretty:

Photo Credit: Bob Mahoney/The CW.

Meanwhile, Stefan walks through the fundraiser and picks up a knife. Citizens of Mystic Falls, take this as yet another example of why you don’t leave your kitchen ware lying around. Then we see one of Klaus’s hybrids go upstairs, where Stefan stabs him. Damon intervenes: “No dead hybrids at the founder’s party!” Hee. Okay, maybe that was my favorite line. I can’t decide. The brothers argue. Blah blah blah. Damon says that to beat the villain, Stefan has to be smart. Stefan: “No, to beat the villain, Damon, you have to be the better villain.” What is this? Batman? You guys, Stefan has gone over the edge. He has started to believe his own press.

Back at the tomb party, Tyler shows up. Awkward. He apologizes: “Sorry, I didn’t mean to crash the party.” Matt: “So don’t.” Ha! Caroline says it’s okay, and then goes outside to with him to talk. Sure, you two just hang out in the woods alone, leaving the other two in a tomb alone. This is sure to end well, because your lives in no way resemble a horror movie. Inside the crypt, Elena asks if Matt is okay. Matt: “Yeah. I want her to be happy, you know. That’s what I want for all of you guys, in the middle of this crazy life you got stuck living.” Awww. Perfect Matt is perfect. Elena: “Is that what you think? That we’re stuck?” Matt: “I’d say it’s attached itself to all of you pretty tight. Yeah.” Elena: “Bonnie’s right, you know. I have no business messing in Jeremy’s head. I just don’t know what else to do. He’s in danger here. I can’t lose anyone else that I love.” So, this is about you, Elena? I liked your previous reasoning better. Sigh.

Outside, Tyler has a speech prepared: “I take it all back—everything that I said this morning. Klaus can’t control me. Not when it comes to you. I won’t let him.” Caroline: “Tyler, it’s okay. Maybe we just weren’t meant to be together. Maybe we just have to accept that and move on.” Tyler: “I’m not moving on from anything. I love you.” And with that, he kisses her. She smiles, and then they smooch some more. Unfortunately, things take a turn for the deadly when Tyler BITES her. They both freak out. Clearly Tyler did not intend to do this, but the sire bond took over. He couldn’t control himself. Which means, KLAUS DID THIS. You guys, I just can’t with Caraus-ing and the Klaroline-ing. I just can’t. Down with Klaus! Ugh. Anyway, Caroline screams for him to get away from her, so he leaves. Thoughts? I’m thinking that this proves that the sire bond is way closer to compulsion than we thought. It’s basically the warm fuzzy version of compulsion. So much for “faith,” or whatever.

Cut to Matt and Elena searching for Caroline. They are really adorable together, and make some silly jokes about a Fell ghost. So cute. Unfortunately, all the noise attracts another vampire: Stefan. And then Stefan straight up kidnaps Elena. Poor Elena. Must be Tuesday.

Cut to Elena and Stefan in Stefan’s little red car. Damon calls, and Stefan lays the groundwork for his power play: “Tell me, what’s Klaus gonna do if he can’t make any more hybrids?” Click. Damon immediately goes to find Klaus, worried for Elena’s life. He fills the Original hybrid in on the sitch, and tells Klaus that he should do what Stefan says. Klaus refuses. Damon points out that his brother is operating on crazy, but Klaus says he’s bluffing. Damon’s not so sure: “I know my brother better than anyone, and right now I don’t have a clue how far he’s willing to take this.” Right? I’m on the edge of my seat! Aren’t completely insane characters so much fun?!

Meanwhile, Matt is perfect, so he rescues Caroline and brings her home. Sheriff Forbes is there, as a testament to the fact that she is occasionally a mom. Go, Liz! Matt tells her that Caroline is hallucinating. Uh oh! Not Caroline!

Back on the road, Elena asks Stefan what he plans to do. Stefan: “Maybe I’ll just turn you into a vampire.” Really, Stefan? Really? Elena yells for him to stop the car, but then Klaus calls. There is some back-and-forth and posturing between the two former friends. How did Sheriff Forbes put it? Oh yes, pissing contest. For sure. Klaus doesn’t believe that Stefan really would hurt Elena, but then he listens in as Stefan forces his blood on his ex-girlfriend. Yep, THAT HAPPENED. Then Stefan races towards the Wickory Bridge, as if he’s going to drive off. Yep, THAT REALLY HAPPENED. Klaus can hear Elena’s protests and cries of fear in the background. Stefan: “Say goodbye to your family, Klaus.” Klaus caves: “Fine, I’ll send them away. You win. Stop the car, Stefan.” And he does. Elena gasps, bloody mouthed, and terrified.

Okay, take a deep breath, gentle readers, because now we have to deal with the ramifications of that INSANITY. Phew. Breathe in … breathe out. Okay, we’re ready. So, Elena gets out of car, just sldfjsklfjsd in anger and terror. Stefan tells her to get back in the car. Elena: “How could you? My parents died going over this bridge! I almost died. You knew that. You’re the one who saved me!” Ouch. Stefan: “Look, he had to believe that I would do it, alright. Your fear sold it.” Elena: “But what if he hadn’t?” Stefan: “He did.” Elena: “Well, what if he hadn’t?!?!?” Stefan SCREAMS: “He did, Elena. He backed down. He has a weakness. If I know his weakness, I can destroy him.” Elena: “And after everything, that’s what mattered? Destroying Klaus?” Um, yeah. Stefan: “Destroying Klaus is all I have left.” Elena: “You had me.” Stefan: “I lost you the minute I left town with him. You just haven’t let yourself admit that yet.” Elena: “Is that what you’re doing? Trying to make me hate you?” Stefan: “I don’t really care what you think about me anymore, Elena.” Liar. If you really didn’t care, you wouldn’t have just screamed your lungs out making excuses to justify your crazy behavior, Mr. Salvatore. We’re onto you. And with that, Stefan gets back into the car and DRIVES AWAY. Elena is left all alone on the bridge, crying, with no phone, and a long walk ahead of her. Elena’s life is THE WORST. Sorry for being so hard on you earlier, Elena. I mean, I was right, but that’s not important right now.

Geez, I feel exhausted … but there are still several more scenes to deal with. Okay, so then, Klaus has the audacity to show up at Caroline’s door. Hmph! Of course, this is actually a good thing, since his blood is the only known cure for a werewolf bite. But still! Matt opens the door. Klaus explains that Tyler came to see him, very upset. He said Caroline had a “terrible accident.” Really, Klaus? Really? Matt stands his ground (Go, Matt!!!): “You made him do this to her! He would have never done something like this.” Klaus, of course, completely ignores this, and says that he’s here to help: “My blood will heal her. Please tell the sheriff to ask me inside.” Sheriff Forbes: “I know how this works. You want something in return.” Smart lady. Klaus: “Just your support.” Sheriff: “Come in.”

Oooooh! The plot thickens. So, what do you guys think? Does this mean that Tyler biting Caroline was all part of Klaus’s plan to get the Sheriff on his side? He knew that he had Carol Lockwood in his pocket, but he needed the Sheriff too? So, Klaus always planned to heal Caroline in the end? That’s what I’m thinking. Or was this originally planned as leverage to help force Stefan’s hand? Then Klaus changed his mind after the Council meeting? Or was this all a power play related to proving Tyler’s loyalty? Back to the plot …

Klaus enters Caroline’s room. Caroline: “Are you going to kill me?” That delivery. Killed me dead. Candice for all the awards. Klaus: “On your birthday? Do you really think that low of me?” Caroline does not miss a beat: “Yes.” Hee. Love love love. Klaus then takes a closer look at her wound. “Oh, that looks bad. My apologies. You’re what’s known as collateral damage. It’s nothing personal.” He strokes the charm bracelet that Tyler got her (that will be important later!), and says, “I love birthdays.” Well, that’s probably because you never got bitten by a werewolf on your birthday, Klaus. Hmph. Caroline: “Yeah, aren’t you like a billion or something?” Hee. She’s just SO PERFECT. Klaus: “You have to adjust your concept of time when you become a vampire, Caroline. Celebrate the fact that you’re no longer bound by trivial human conventions. You’re free.” Caroline: “No, I’m dying.” Awww. My love for Caroline Forbes just knows no bounds. And major kudos to Candice for her performance in this scene. Just wow. Klaus sits down on the bed, and things take a more … intimate turn. Ahem. Klaus continues: “And I could let you … die. If that’s what you really want. If you truly believe that your existence has no meaning. I thought about it myself, once or twice over the centuries, truth be told. But I’ll let you in on a little secret. There’s a whole world out there waiting for you. Great cities and art and music. Genuine beauty. And you can have all of it. You can have a thousand more birthdays. All you have to do is ask.” Wow. Klaus gives good speech. And I’m glad that someone finally addressed these issues, you know. About the world outside, and so on. Caroline’s response? “I don’t want to die.” Awww. Klaus takes this as a yes, so he holds out his forearm: “There you go, sweetheart. Have at it. Happy Birthday, Caroline.” And scene.

When I watched this episode, I was with my sister Francesca, and I remember that we were both kind of uncomfortable during this scene. We were like “What is happening here?!?!” with our eyes. And after it was over, I was like, “Oh no! I don’t want Caroline to feel like she owes Klaus now, since he saved her life!” And Francesca was like, “Uh, since it was his fault she got bit in the first place, I think it’s a wash. If anything, she should be mad, since he put her through that in the first place.” And I was like, “Good point! Phew!” But then when I looked online, everyone was like swooning and all like “Caraus! Klaroline!” … so I think maybe we watched a different episode? I mean, yeah, there was definitely chemistry there, but it felt kind of predatory to me … and very much seduction with an agenda. Of course, either way, it makes for amazing TV. I mean … this show. Crazy entertaining. I don’t know how they do it every week.

Cut to Elena and Damon arriving at the Gilbert house. Anooooother Porch scene. Yawn. Damon asks if she’s gonna be okay. Elena: “I’ll survive. Somehow. I always do.” Way to get your Scarlett on, Elena. Damon says that Stefan won this round for them. Elena: “Well his methods suck!” Damon proudly replies, “He was the better villain.” Elena: “Don’t sound so impressed.” Damon: “Well, I can’t help but be a little proud. But tell me, you gonna be okay?” More neck grabbing. Elena: “You can’t kiss me again.” Damon: “I know.” Elena: “You can’t. It’s not right.” Damon: “It’s right. It’s just not right now.” Eye-roll. The two say their goodnights, and Damon leaves.

The next day, Elena and Jeremy hug. They’re saying goodbye, as Jeremy is off to Denver. (I hope you packed your boots and gloves, Jer, because I was just there and it is CHILLY. Also, the air is really dry, so remember to moisturize and stay hydrated.) Then Bonnie shows up. But she’s not there to out the compulsion. Instead, she just wants to say goodbye. She hugs her ex and is all smiles, but when she turns to Elena, you can see that she’s upset. Jeremy looks back at them and gives them a half smile. Goodbye, littlest Gilbert. I can’t wait to see what supernatural girlfriend you bring home. Maybe a succubus?

Meanwhile, Caroline wakes up in her bed with her teddy. Awww. She touches her neck where the bite used to be, but it’s healed. Then she sees a black velvet box, tied with a white ribbon. The handwritten note says “from Klaus.” It’s a diamond bracelet. Dun dun dun. The best part about this gift is that it is such a major “F**k you” to Tyler’s little charm bracelet. I guess that’s what you get for challenging your hybrid master, Ty. Hee. Also, does this mean that Klaus is courting Caroline now? Should we be worried? Need. More. Episodes. IMMEDIATELY!

Cut to Matt and Elena on the bridge. Matt: “You’re not gonna jump, are you?” Elena: “Thanks for coming. I was just thinking about what you said—about us being stuck.” Matt: “I was buzzed, Elena. I can’t be held responsible for being judgmental.” Elena: “I do feel stuck, Matt. I feel like I’ve been holding onto the girl who was supposed to die here with her parents. The girl who had a normal life and didn’t fall in love with vampires.” Matt: “You’re not that girl anymore. It’s okay if you want to let her go.” Elena: “Is it? Because I feel like I’ve disappointed her a little. Like I’ve disappointed them—my parents.” Matt: “My two cents, as a guy who knew that other girl: you’re doing a lot better than you think.” Awww. He then majorly ups the adorable factor by picking a handful of yellow flowers. “Here lies Elena Gilbert. A fun (?) girlfriend and an amazing friend.” Then he throws the flowers into the water below. Awww. I’m getting verklempt. At this point, I was yelling at the TV screen: “SOMEBODY just kiss him already! He’s perfect!” No one listened. Then Francesca was like, “YOU kiss him. No one else likes him. He’s not bad boy enough.” And then I quickly went on Twitter to record her BLASPHEMY. I suffer so.

Back at the Mystic Grill bar, Alaric is drinking. Obvious sentence is obvious. Meredith enters: “Thank god. Another day drinker.” You guys, this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. I can just feel it. She continues: “I lost a patient. What’s your excuse?” Excuse? Excuse? No one needs an excuse in Mystic Falls. How about, “Because I live in Mystic Falls!” Alaric does actually have a good excuse today though: “Well, I put a kid on a plane.” Awww. And double awww that Alaric was the one who took him to the airport. Meredith: “Yours?” Smooth, Mere. Smooth. Alaric: “Nah, it’s a long story.” Meredith: “Then you should probably buy me a beer.” Hmmm. In the alcoholic world of Mystic Falls, does beer even count as day drinking? Amateur.

Meanwhile, in the woods, Sheriff Forbes shows Damon a dead body. Fun times! It’s Brian Walters, the medical examiner who used to date Meredith. And he was STAKED in the heart–murdered! Dun dun dun! The end. So, who do you think killed poor Brian? Is Meredith too obvious? Another Council member? Weigh in below.

Photo Credit: Bob Mahoney/The CW.

Read on for my recap & review of The Vampire Diaries 3×10, “The New Deal,” aired Thursday, January 5th, 2012:

I have three recaps to catch up with (I know, right?), so this one is going to be quick. First of all, hurrah for the return of The Vampire Diaries! If you’re reading this, you made it through the long and dark hiatus, so pat yourself on the back. This might even mean that you could stand a chance of survival in Mystic Falls. Oh … who am I kidding? That place is a hellmouthy death trap. It’s a miracle anyone’s still alive. On the plus side, there’s a seemingly bottomless supply of alcohol to keep the townspeople’s pain dulled. Keep on keeping on, Scoobies. We’re rooting for you to get through the week.

“The New Deal” was an excellent return for TVD, picking up where we left off in November. Remember how Stefan stole Klaus’s coffins and then called him to gloat about it? Revenge-Stefan is a barrel of laughs, I tell you. However, with Stefan holding onto Klaus’s family, the rest of the Scooby Gang is left paying the price. Klaus is NOT pleased. Revenge-Stefan doesn’t give a damn, however, because he’ll make Klaus pay even if it kills him … and everyone else he knows. Oh, how far the youngest Salvatore brother has come. He may be basically horrible right now, but he has never been more fun to watch. He gives me the scary shivers, you guys. Shivers! While Damon is not too happy about this turn of events, particularly Elena’s vulnerability, he and his little bro have a heart to heart (involving fisticuffs), eventually entering into a partnership with Bonnie to keep the coffins hidden. There has just got to be another way to destroy Klaus, and they are determined to find it. Go team!

Coffin-hiding -Klaus-destroying wasn’t the only titular “new deal” made in the episode. Elena also made a deal with Klaus to trade Rebekah for Jeremy. She actually shows Klaus the dirty dungeon floor where poor Beks is still lying face down, all corpsified; and Klaus agrees to spare Elena’s little brother. However, this doesn’t ease Elena’s mind, as Klaus isn’t exactly the most trustworthy. He is still obsessed with getting back what Stefan stole. So, Elena, Damon, and Alaric all agreed that Jeremy should be compelled and sent out of town. Say WHA-?!?! Yeah, more on that horrible idea later. 

Dream a little dream of Klaus …

An important catalyst for the events in “The New Deal” was a series of recurring dreams. That’s right, dreams. As if it wasn’t already hard enough to be Bonnie Bennett, the poor witch has been treated to dreams featuring that old creepy Witch House and four coffins, one of which opens to reveal Klaus holding that dratted necklace. Girl can’t even escape Original drama when she sleeps. When discussing said dreams with Elena, Bonnie proves that she has clearly never paid attention to anything that has ever happened over the course of the show because she seriously tries to play it off like it means nothing. Uh huh. Sure.

Nevertheless, Bonnie’s curiosity does get the better of her, so she visits that old creepy Witch House, where she is surprised to find Stefan. He needs her help. He explains to her that Klaus stored his family in coffins (such a charming man), and he stole them. Stefan needs Bonnie’s help to keep them hidden. Bonnie’s not so sure, pointing out how this will only make Klaus angrier. Good point, Bonnie! Stefan is not cowed: “His family’s his one weakness. As long as I have that, I can ruin him.” But at what cost, Revenge-Stefan?! Take a look at Emily Thorne’s recent collateral damage for example. Hasn’t Jack Porter suffered enough?!?! Sigh. Bonnie, however, is intrigued by the idea of destroying Klaus. Still, she doesn’t think she has enough power to hide four Originals. Stefan: “You’re a witch. You hate Klaus. I know you can figure something out.” Or maybe he said, “And I can figure something out.” Or maybe he said something else. Oh, Paul Wesley, you’re great at your job and all, but you are the most egregious of the TVD mumblers.

The Bonnie-Stefan duo adds a third member when Damon catches onto things, though there is a bit of a long and twisty road on the path to their new deal. After Klaus comes to the Mystic Grill, asking about Stefan, Klaus shows up at Casa Salvatore to do some more threatening. Stalk much, Klaus? Go hang out in your big new fortress (yep, he has a new house!) and give everyone a break. Luckily, Damon has been smart enough to drink vervain, so Klaus can’t compel him. He can, however, compel Jeremy, which he does. Poor Jeremy tries to kill himself, only to be saved by Alaric. More on that later.

Anyway, so after Jeremy is almost killed, Bonnie comes clean to Elena about Stefan’s location. Elena and Damon hightail it to the Witch House, where we learn that the witchy spirits still hate Damon. Hee. So, Elena goes in alone and has a confrontation with Stefan. Things don’t go well, culminating in Elena slapping her ex and telling him to go to hell. When Elena meets back up with Damon outside, he realizes what he has to do. Damon hands her his car keys and tells her, “You go deal with your brother, I’ll deal with mine.” Dun dun dun.

The Salvatores banter, fight, argue, and eventually confess their true feelings. Stefan explains, “Piece by piece, Klaus took everything from me. I’m doing the same to him.” He also admits that he saved Klaus in order to save Damon. Awww. Damon: “When are you gonna get it through your head. Stop saving me.” Wait, are they the Winchesters? Boys, boys, boys, it’s okay. Saving each other is inevitable. Don’t fight it. Damon wants to know why Stefan saved him, even though it’s waaaaay obvious. He loves you, you idiot! But I think the confusion is more about the state of Stefan’s switch. He’s acting like an a**hole, yet he’s saving his brother’s life. It’s like he’s season 1 Damon. I can see why the older Salvatore would be confused.

Eventually, the brothers come to a meeting of the minds. Stefan says there has to be another way to kill Klaus, and Damon wants in. Stefan eventually agrees, and the two enter the Witch House together. Stefan explains: “Witch spirits hate Klaus as much as we do. They’re using their powers to hide the coffins.” Aha! So even if Klaus were to enter the house, he wouldn’t be able to see the coffins. Brilliant! I can’t wait to see who screws it up! Anyone taking bets? Oh, and Damon agrees to keep this a secret from Elena. So, for now, this whole coffin-hiding-Klaus-killing plan is a deal between Stefan, Damon, Bonnie, and the dead witch spirits.

At the end of the episode, Stefan and Bonnie gaze at the coffins. Bonnie tries to open one in particular, but it won’t budge. Stefan says that he has tried everything. Bonnie thinks it’s closed with a spell: “The witches led me here for a reason. I think whatever’s inside this coffin is our answer.” Dun dun dun. Theories? Thomas Galvin tweeted my favorite theory so far: 

New Theory: the coffin is empty, and will only open when Klaus is defeated. It's designed to be his prison. #TVD

January 17, 2012 4:20 pm via webReplyRetweetFavorite

@thomascgalvin

Thomas Galvin

Run Elena run …

Elena spent the majority of “The New Deal,” running from Klaus and his hybrids—both literally and figuratively. She’s scared and exhausted, but she doesn’t back down. For example, when Klaus comes to the Mystic Grill, whining about his missing coffins, Elena goes all snarky on him: “That sounds like a Klaus and Stefan problem.” Ha! Well played, Elena. Unfortunately for Elena, however, Klaus makes it her problem … by attacking the people she loves. Sucks to be someone Elena loves.

I’ll get into the details of Klaus’s plot to compel Jeremy to kill himself in the next section, but suffice it to say, Jeremy has a big target on his back and Elena is beside herself with worry. Thus, she decides to make a deal with Klaus, Elena-style. She invites ol’ lion face over to Casa Salvatore, where she trades Rebekah for Jeremy. Klaus: “Consider him spared.” Elena also admits that she was the one who daggered Beks, but Klaus assures her that he can control his sister. Unfortunately, there is really no closure here, as Klaus still really wants Stefan. Um, I mean … wants Stefan to return his coffins. Elena lies that she doesn’t know where he is. Klaus threatens Elena’s other loved ones. Elena: “He doesn’t care about me anymore. You made sure of that. You turned him into a monster. Now he’s your problem. And just so you know, I’m not the only one Rebekah wants dead. She knows what you did to your mother. She knows that you killed her.” Dun dun dun. You’ve got to admire the Petrova fire in that girl. But I can’t decide if Elena telling Klaus that was smart or stupid. On the one hand, it was smart because this will guarantee that Klaus won’t awaken Rebekah, keeping Elena safe from a second murderous Original. But on the other hand, she missed the chance to leave Klaus vulnerable to a surprise attack from his sister.

A day in the life of Jeremy Gilbert …

This was an amazing episode for Jeremy. I basically felt the entire gamut of possible emotions towards the littlest Gilbert in the span of an hour. I went from disappointed, to amused, to annoyed, to angry, to worried, to terrified, to relieved, to impressed, to heartbroken. Well done, writers. Well done.

Early on in the episode, we learn that Jeremy plagiarized his midterm paper, and that he was fired from the Grill last week. Uh oh, Jer. Looks like you’re on a downward spiral. To further complete his downward spiral, Jeremy is hanging out with Tyler. Not sure that hanging out with Klaus’s lapdog is the best idea, what with Klaus gunning for Elena’s loved ones. Uh oh.

We see the two boys hanging out in the woods, letting out their aggression by getting drunk and shooting stuff. Jeremy sums it up: “Profound.” Hee. Also, Jeremy “borrowed” Alaric’s crossbow. (See amazing picture above.) Tyler asks what the deal is with Mr. Saltzman. “He’s like your guardian now?” Jeremy: “Sort of. Yeah. I think he feels responsible for us.” Awww. Tyler then asks if Jeremy likes him. And he DOES, you guys. He really does. Awww. Then Tyler stupidly reveals how to kill a hybrid: “I’m a hybrid, Gilbert. You can’t kill me unless you cut off my head or rip out my heart.” That will be important later.

Elena and Alaric are not happy about this turn of events. When Jeremy returns home, Alaric insists on having a meal together “like a typical atypical family.” Awww. Elena calls Jeremy on his firing, but Jer is having none of it. He has plans with Tyler, and when he announces this, Elena and Alaric look on with stern disapproval. Elena: “He was sired by Klaus. He’s dangerous.” Jeremy points out that Elena is not exactly one to judge when it comes to relationships with dangerous supernatural creatures. Point to Jeremy. However, then Jeremy straight up invites Tyler into the Gilbert home, and I had to scream at my TV screen for a few minutes. Baaaad move, Jeremy. Bad move.

So then, Elena, Alaric, Jeremy, and Tyler have it out in the Gilbert kitchen. So awkward. Elena mocks Tyler: “Unless you have check in with your hybrid master.” Cold. Alaric gets to the heart of the matter: “Tell me Tyler, what is the difference between being sired and being compelled?” Good question! Do tell. Tyler: “Compulsion: that’s just mind control. Like hypnosis. And being sired is … it’s like faith. You do something because you believe it’s the right thing.” Elena: “So you believe that serving Klaus is the right thing?” Tyler protests: “I don’t serve him. Klaus released me from a curse that was ruining my life. I owe him for that.” Alaric: “So, what if he asked you to jump off a bridge?” Tyler: “He wouldn’t. And even if he did, I’d be fine. I’m a hybrid.” Elena: “Okay, so what if he asked you to rip your own heart out?” Tyler: “He wouldn’t.” Elena: “What if he did?” Tyler: “Then I don’t know. Then I’d rip out my heart. You guys sound like Caroline. Getting all freaked out about something you don’t understand.” Elena: “You’re right. I don’t understand. Klaus has terrorized each and every one of us and you’re blindly loyal to him.” Well said. Tyler: “You’re over-thinking this. I can still make my own decisions.” Hmmm. After seeing “Our Town,” this is all just kind of semantic bulls**t, right?

A short time later, Jeremy gets a phone call (right after Klaus makes a phone call, hint hint), and Tyler leaves. Alaric says, “That was illuminating.” Except not. Elena: “So, Tyler Lockwood is a lunatic who has access to our house.” Hee. Alaric: “I don’t even think Tyler’s fully aware of what little reason lies behind what he’s saying. It’s like weird cult logic.” Yep. Elena then berates Jeremy some more, but when she turns around, Jeremy’s not there to be berated. Uh oh. He’s gone and his ring is on the table. Double uh oh.

So, basically, Klaus compelled Jeremy to take his ring off and stand in the middle of the street, where a hybrid races a car at him. Alaric saves him, just in the nick of time, only to get run over himself. My hero! Luckily, Alaric is wearing his ring, but as we will soon see, that ring is not what it once was. I guess dying four times is a lot, even for a magical ring. Oh, and Damon and Elena figure out that the reason Klaus was able to compel Jeremy was because he is no longer wearing his vervain bracelet. That’s why Tyler’s been hanging around Jer—to get him off the vervain. Bad Tyler! Damon decides that this means they need to the steal the coffins back from Stefan, so that they can give Klaus what they want. Jeremy thinks they should pack up their bags and leave: “This happens every time, no matter what we do. You get on my case about school and work. Who cares? None of us are gonna make it out of this town alive.” I mean, he’s not wrong. Elena decides this means she should make a deal to trade Rebekah for Jeremy’s safety. Damon protests, but as we saw above, Elena is Elena. She does what she wants.

But back to Jeremy’s journey. So, when he finds out what Tyler pulled, he goes into the woods and points a crossbow at Tyler. The boys argue. Jeremy: “Every time Klaus wants something, someone ends up dead. You think about that before you blindly do whatever he says.” Word. Tyler feels bad, and warns Jer to get home and stay inside.

Back at the Gilbert home, Alaric wakes up in a lot of pain. He’s alive, but he’s not doing well. He coughs up blood. “Something’s wrong … the ring.” OH NO, NOT ALAAAARIC!!! Get an ambulance, quick! Elena calls 911. When the paramedics come to pick Alaric up, that bumping-into-things hybrid interrupts and compels the paramedics. He then orders Elena to invite him in, or he won’t help Alaric. THEN, the stupid hybrid is SHOT IN THE BACK. BY JEREMY. WITH A CROSSBOW. Go, Jeremy! But that’s not all. Jeremy straight up goes into the kitchen, grabs a knife, and cuts off the hybrid’s head. “Now he’s dead.” Go, Jeremy! He just killed a hybrid to save Alaric. My hero. Elena is so freaked out, it’s like she’s never lived the past two and a half seasons. Really, Elena? Cowgirl up.

Later, Jeremy comes to see Alaric up at the hospital (more on his hospital stay later). As they are leaving, Alaric says, “I guess I have Damon’s blood to thank for the fact that I’m still walking?” Jeremy: “He said to say that you owe him a drink.” Ha! Alaric: “That’s funny. I’d rather have head trauma.” Ha! Alaric then asks if Jeremy is okay. Jeremy: “Why wouldn’t I be? I shot a hybrid in the back and chopped his head off with a meat cleaver. Typical Sunday, huh?” Awww. Jeremy, humorous/ depressive humor is just the first step in becoming a demon hunter. I’m so proud! Alaric is concerned, and reminds Jer that he can talk to him. Jeremy: “What could you tell me that I don’t already know? This is the way things are. It sucks, but I just gotta get used to it.” Aw, Jer, keep talking that way and you’ll be a Winchester in no time. As Jeremy walks away, Alaric looks concerned. Geez, Alaric. You haven’t been semi-retired from vampire slaying that long. This is the life. Cowboy up.

Sadly, neither Elena nor Alaric take my advice. That’s the thing about fictional characters. So rudely oblivious to the real world. It’s like they don’t even exist. Instead, Elena is brought nearly to tears by cleaning blood off her porch (I guess it is a sacred space), so she convinces Damon to compel Jeremy to move to Denver. Yep. Damon is all like, “Your sister thinks we should have another one of our talks.” Really? Because it worked out so well last time. Oh wait, no, NOTHING EVER WORKS OUT WELL ON THIS SHOW. Silly me. Apparently, the Gilberts have some nice family friends in Denver, and Jeremy is going to go stay with them. Alaric adds to the script: “Tell him he’s gonna leave Mystic Falls behind and never think twice about it.” Sigh.

Now, I understand that Elena’s intentions are good. She wants to protect her brother. But didn’t she learn her lesson in season one? Why do we have to go through this “You can’t mess with people’s right to make their own decisions” thing, AGAIN?! Also, I was really looking forward to Jeremy’s future as a bad ass hybrid-killer. You guys, it would have been SO FUN. Teaming up with Alaric, fighting evil, wearing layers. Why deny me, show? Why? Also, Jeremy is only two years younger than Elena, and he is mature enough to date someone Elena’s age. Elena’s behavior is just unrealistic. No one is that patronizing to a sibling so close in age, right? I mean, I have a little brother who is three years younger than me, and while I’m protective of his emotional well being, I would totally trust him to stand side by side with me and fight vampires. In fact, if there is ever a zombie apocalypse, I can only hope that he’ll be nearby. Hmmm … maybe I should move next door to him, just to be safe. I mean, maybe that’s partly because my little brother is 6’3” and a Marine, but still. Elena should feel the same about Jeremy. Your brother is someone who has your back in fight. Especially after he proved himself capable of beheading a hybrid WITH A KITCHEN KNIFE. I mean, seriously. Siblings that close in age are more like peers. Especially in Elena and Jeremy’s case, where they share all the same friends. And Jer has proved that he can take care of himself. Sigh.

“Mr. Saltzman, what is your secret?”

Okay, now let’s discuss my favorite part of the episode. Alaaaaaaric! And Meeeeeredith! Sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! Okay, not yet … but soon! First of all, after Alaric’s major hero moment (swoon), death, recovery, and then collapse, he lands himself in the Mystic Falls Hospital. When he wakes up, he has places to go, so he is up and about in a flash (apparently Damon’s blood contributed to this). Then Torrey DeVitto enters, playing his doctor. Oh hi, Crazy Nanny Carrie. Long time no see. Your turn on Pretty Little Liars as Melissa almost makes me think you’re not really a crazy shovel-wielding nanny in disguise. You were that memorable. Anyway, so Torrey is playing a doctor, lab coat and everything. Think she’s too hot to be a doctor? Talk to Summer Roberts. Anyway, so the doctor can’t believe he’s on his feet so quickly, but Alaric shrugs it off: “I’m more of a walk-it-off kind of guy. Do I need to sign something?” Swoon. She wants to run more tests, but Ric has a family compulsion to attend. Torrey then introduces her character’s name as Dr. Fell. Woot! Another founding family member! Do you think she’ll be snooty? But wait. That is not all. “But the patients who follow my advice get to call me Meredith.” MEREDITH! You guys, this is really happening. I’m pretty sure my Twitter timeline basically exploded with emotion in that moment. Welcome, Meredith Fell. Please stay for a long time. Alaric thanks her for her concern, but she has one more question: “Mr. Saltzman, what is your secret? Guardian angel? Or did you sell your soul to the devil?” Alaric: “A little of both.” Smoooth, Ric. Smoooooth. I think it’s time for some more Chunky Monkey.

 “Brother’s girl and all …”

Once the sacred porch is restored to its immaculate glory, Elena and Damon can’t resist taking advantage of the locale. Porch scene alert! Elena: “I feel like a horrible person.” You know, because she asked a vampire to mind warp her little brother to move to another state. Damon: “You just saved his life, Elena. Take it from me: strange is bad, dead is worse.” Whatever, Damon. Damon thinks Jeremy is lucky to have Elena as a sister. Of course, maybe since Damon’s only sibling is a raving psychopath right now, his perspective is a little skewed. Just a thought. Elena then thanks Damon for everything, which prompts Damon to feel guilty. He admits that Stefan saved Klaus to save Damon, and stole the coffins to get even. He adds, “It means I’m an idiot, because I thought for one second that I didn’t have to feel guilty anymore.” Elena: “Guilty for what?” Really, Elena? Really? Damon: “For wanting what I want.” Elena: “Damon …” Damon: “I know. Believe me, I get it. Brother’s girl and all …” He starts to walk away but then turns back. “No! You know what? If I’m gonna feel guilty, I’m gonna feel guilty about this.” And with that, he kisses her and she kisses him back. Their first mutual kiss that was non-doppelgänger and non-death-bed related. And goodnight. The end.

Odds and ends …

• Can we discuss Alaric grading papers at a bar? I love him so. Not that I’ve ever graded papers while drinking, but for any of you who are concerned about this behavior, it will only help the students’ grades. Trust me.
• However, can we also discuss the fact that Alaric is broadcasting Jeremy’s grades for all the town to hear?! Especially a failing grade, resulting from plagiarism!? Not okay, dude. NOT OKAY. Way more unethical than grading while intoxicated. Ahem.
• There was a lot of drinking in this episode. I felt like I was watching Mad Men or something, what with all the day drinking. Kids, don’t try this at home, but obviously the most deadly drinking game of all time would simply be to watch this show and drink when the characters drink.
• What is with Elena and Damon and all the neck touching? I mean, seriously. That is their thing. They need a neck touching intervention.
• Klaus waking up Rebekah, only to dagger again in heart … I felt … sad, you guys. The family saga of the Originals is just so tragical. And there was something weirdly touching about how even though he left her dead, he didn’t want her left dead stabbed in the back. This show.

Photo Credit: ABC Family/ Felicia Graham.

On Saturday, Francesca and I recorded a new podcast. We started with discussion of Pretty Little Liars 2×15, “A Hot Piece of A,” aired January 9th, 2012. Then, at the 16:18 mark, we talked about The Lying Game 1×12, “When We Dead Awaken,” aired January 9th, 2012. Discussion of Revenge 1×12, “Infamy,” aired January 11th, 2012, is next, at the 29 minute mark. Finally, we raved over Bring It On: The Musical, our new favorite thing, at the 39:35 mark. Subject matter ranged from the symbolism of Aria’s spider necklace, to the weak sauce explanation of the titular Lying Game, to crazy paternity reveals, and a dancing leprechaun. There are also some tangents, in which we touched upon Supernatural, Cougar Town, Gilmore Girls, and Downton Abbey. You can listen to the podcast on the player below, or subscribe via iTunes.

Things aren't so "pretty" in Rosewood right now. Photo Credit: ABC Family/Danny Feld.

On Monday, January 2nd, 2012, ABC Family aired the winter premieres of Pretty Little Liars and The Lying Game. My sister Paeleena joined me to discuss all the crazy and mysterious happenings in Rosewood, and the possiblity of twin-on-twin violence in Phoenix. Pretty Little Liars is up first, and The Lying Game discussion starts at the 21:43 mark. We tested out my new mic, so hopefully the sound quality is improved. You can listen on the player below, or subscribe via  iTunes. Enjoy!

Photo Credit: Quantrell Colbert/The CW.

Read on for my recap and review of The Vampire Diaries 3×09, “Homecoming,” aired Thursday, November 10^th, 2011:

Remember that episode that aired two months ago? You know, last year? Homecoming? I’m finally going to recap it. With a brand new episode of The Vampire Diaries set to air tomorrow, January 5^th, 2012, I have no more room for procrastination. I found the file with all my notes for “Homecoming,” and it all seems to make sense … except for a cryptic “Elijah and Alaric should form a club.” Why would I have written that? Please share your guesses in the comments. Also, in case you missed it, I did write a short post  about “Homecoming” back in November, in which I shared some of my immediate (and sometimes faulty) reactions. Now, let’s get into the detail, armed with multiple viewings, and the wisdom of a whole new year. Read on to refresh your memories about where our favorite show left off pre-hiatus, and to reflect on what has happened so far in this crazy season.

The episode opens on Stefan calling Klaus to tell him that his father is dead. And guess what? He wasn’t even lying. However, Mikael’s death was a bit temporary at this point. Shhh, don’t tell Klaus. Also, Stefan used the sassy skills that he learned on the road with Klaus: “My mistake. Not your actual father, not dead. Mikael … daggered. What do you want me to do with the body?” Oh, Sassy Stefan. You are fun. P.S. Klaus was in Portland. Presumably hunting werewolves to turn into hybrids. So, now we know there are werewolves in Portland. I always suspected.

Cut to one hour earlier. The plotting! So much delightful plotting in this episode. (Perhaps too much plotting, to be honest.) Stefan, Elena, and Damon have been up to all sorts of stuff. They vervained Mikael and found that he had a dagger, which he had planned to use on Rebekah. (Not sure how certain all this stuff is. Assumed?) Anyway, an hour ago, Mikael was dagger-free and plotting. Presumably, the Scoobies convinced Mikael to join forces with them, united in the goal of killing Klaus. Mikael explains that a vampire can’t dagger an Original without dying, so it falls to Elena. Plus, Elena has had all that practice. Mikael actually wants Elena to dagger him, in order to lure Klaus back to town.

Now, back in the present, Klaus uses his over-the-phone-compulsion to get the truth from Stefan. Stefan confirms that Mikael is indeed dead, because it’s true. He just leaves out all the plotting. Ahem. Then Klaus asks to talk to Rebekah, and we learn that she is in on it too. Confused yet? She confirms Mikael’s death, and then tells her brother that she misses him. He says he’ll be home soon. Rebekah hangs up and tells the gang that Klaus bought it and he’s coming home. Then Elena takes the dagger out of Mikael. Papa Original will live again. Title card.

Then we cut to Rebekah painting her toe nails. She has a Homecoming dance to prepare for, after all. Mikael wakes up, and his daughter is NOT in a forgiving mood. She doesn’t want to hear what he has to say. She tells her dad that Elena has the dagger, so he can forget any plans to kill her. Mikael says he was never after her. Do we believe him? Rebekah: “Nik was my family. If you were after him, you were after me.” Mikael: “He blinded you, Rebekah. He killed your mother.” Rebekah: “I know what he did, and he’ll pay for it with his life. But Nik was not born a killer. None of us were. You did this to us when you turned us into vampires. You destroyed our family, not him.” Point to Rebekah. He calls her name but she’s so out of there.

Meanwhile, Elena and her lovely boots are hanging out in her room with Bonnie. Elena says she has nothing to wear, presumably for the dance. Does this mean she’ll wear Salvatore descendant’s clothes again? Bonnie: “Let’s stay home, order takeout, and over-analyze ancient hieroglyphic thingies with Alaric.” Sounds like a plan, Bonnie. SOUNDS LIKE AN EXCELLENT PLAN. Elena: “We have to go. Caroline will kill us.” Well, that is also a good point. Drat. Bonnie: “Caroline actually has a date.” Awww, poor Bonnie. Remember how she and Jeremy broke up? On account of the youngest Gilbert kissing ghosts? Poor Bonnie. Elena tells her bestie that she’s mad at Jeremy too, but it is no solace to Bonnie. The witch explains: “But you can’t really be mad like I’m mad. And you shouldn’t have to be. He’s your brother. So, no, I can’t really talk to you about it.”

Later, at Casa Salvatore, Elena is inspired by Bonnie’s words. She tells Damon that they can’t trust Rebekah after all: “Bonnie was right. Rebekah may be mad at Klaus now, but he is her brother.” Also, Elena and Damon seem to be preparing wolfsbane grenades. Where is Alaric? He probably has 20 of those in his closet. Why are Elena and Damon working so hard to make them? Is Alaric deathly ill, or something? Should someone bring him chicken soup? I’m worried. Anyway, Elena is worried too—that too many things can go wrong. Damon assures her that he has a “secret contingency plan.”

The two schemers are then interrupted by Stefan entering the room. The youngest Salvatore wants to borrow a tie: “I’m 162 years old and I’m going to a Homecoming dance. I need better ties.” Glad that he has his priorities in order. Elena: “You could not go.” Stefan: “I’m compelled to protect you and if I look at your track record at high school dances, it’s pretty tragic. With my luck, you’ll go and get yourself murdered by the Homecoming queen.” Truth. Although, more accurately, the Homecoming queen would get murdered, while Elena is saved. Stefan hopes that they have a better plan than wolfsbane grenades. As do I. Damon wisely says that the less his brother knows, the better. Stefan: “My freedom from Klaus rests entirely upon you two executing your plan perfectly. So excuse me if I’m a bit cynical.” I’ll allow it. Elena: “You’re the one that we should be worried about. If Klaus asks you one wrong question, the whole thing falls apart.” Point. Stefan: “You do have reason to worry, but if I look at our history of epic plan failures, it’s usually because one of us let our humanity get in the way. So, if I’m taking odds on how this thing goes down, it’s certainly not gonna be me who screws it up. I’ll see you at Homecoming. I can’t wait.” Spoiler alert: And how amazing is it that it’s Katherine’s humanity that ends up screwing things up? Will wonders never cease?

Back at the school (apparently some people still attend), Caroline and Tyler are decorating the van outside the school. Because, that is essential for the Homecoming dance? Whatever. I’ll bow to Caroline’s superior party planning skills, and trust that decorated vans are necessary. Caroline asks Tyler to hand her the glitter gun. Hee. Tyler wants to go grab a bite, but Caroline says that she has a thermos in her bag. SHE WOULD. Little Miss Always-Prepared. But that’s not good enough for Ty. He wants to go get “a real bite,” as in feeding off people who like it. In the words of Summer Roberts, ewww! Apparently Rebekah introduced the young hybrid to this disturbing phenomenon. Caroline is not pleased: “Okay, first of all, I finally almost just got your mother to stop hating me, so I probably don’t want to be caught in a weird vampire threesome with her son. And secondly, quit hanging out with Rebekah the evil blood slut!” Clear communication is the key to a good relationship. Tell him how you really feel. Tyler tells her to keep the claws in for tonight, revealing that he set Rebekah up with Matt for the dance. Care is pissed. Tyler: “He drinks vervain. She can’t feed on him. What’s the big deal?” Caroline: “The big deal, Tyler, is that Matt is an innocent good person, who should not be going to dances with evil blood sluts.” Tyler: “Matt’s a guy, Caroline. And Rebekah’s hot. Don’t over think this.” Caroline: “This is a sire thing, isn’t it? Please tell me that this is some weird family extension of your sire bond to Klaus.” Tyler: “I’m here hanging streamers and have glitter all over my hands. If I’m sired to anybody, it’s you.” Point to Tyler. (Except that Caroline uses her powers of persuasion for good, not killing all their friends. Not sure we can say the same for Klaus.)

Cut to Rebekah at Casa Salvatore, dressed for the dance. She’s wearing the red layered dress from the compelled fashion show in “Ordinary People.” The dress is not my favorite, but it does look far better on Beks than it did on the compelled zombie model. Elena enters the room, and Rebekah tells her that this is her first high school dance. Heartfelt discussion ensues, in which Elena seems very understanding, and even moved. Rebekah warns Elena to be careful with Mikael, and confesses: “I’ve spent my whole life loving and hating my brother with equal measure. I never thought that I’d be the one to help drive a stake through his heart.” Then Barbie Klaus starts crying, but tries to hold it back. One can’t smudge one’s makeup before one’s first high school dance. As she gazes at herself in the mirror, Elena says that she’s missing one thing. She gives Beks her mom’s necklace. Awww. After we see Rebkah’s tear stained face, Elena literally stabs her in the back. With an Original-killing dagger. Wskfjweoiijrff?!?!? Elena says sadly: “I’m so sorry. I can’t leave anything to chance either.” To Elena’s credit, she at least looks like she feels bad about it. And I can’t deny that was the smart move.

A short time later, Damon covers Rebekah’s body with a sheet. Why worry about that nicety, Damon? When you’re going to throw her face down on a dirty dungeon floor soon? Sigh. He comments: “In the back. Harsh.” Elena: “It had to be done. Rebekah was never gonna be completely on our side.” Damon: “Hey, I’m not judging you. It’s very … Katherine of you.” Hee. Elena: “Not the way to make me feel better about myself, Damon.” Damon: “It was a compliment! Sort of.” Hee. Elena: “Stefan is right. Someone’s gonna let their humanity get in the way and screw this whole thing up. It’s probably gonna be me.” Damon: “Elena, you just daggered someone. You’re gonna be fine.” WORD. Elena: “Yeah, but I feel bad about it. I care too much. That’s the problem, Damon. I’m the weak link.” Damon: “If it makes you feel any better, she’s not really dead.” Ha! Elena asks if he trusts Mikael and Stefan, and Damon says no.  Elena: “Then we need a better plan.” Damon: “I know what to do. You’re just not gonna like it.” Elena: “Why not?” Damon: “Because when this all goes down, I don’t want you having any part of it.” And this is when I should have realized that Katherine would be involved. A switcheroo is the perfect fix. Elena is confused, however: “What does that mean?” Damon: “Do you trust me?” Elena: “Yes.” Damon: “Then you have nothing to worry about.” Right, because people who trust Damon always turn out peachy.

Cut to cop cars and sirens in town. The high school gym’s flooded. Caroline is NOT happy. Tyler offers up his house as a venue. Hmmm.

Caroline calls Elena, who wonders if this means she doesn’t have to go. Ha! Care explains that Tyler is moving the party to his house. SO INTENTIONAL. He had to have flooded the gym, right? Then there’s a knock at the door of Casa Salvatore. Elena says she’ll see her there and hangs up. She opens the door to Matt, in a suit. His eyes are so bluuuuuue. Elena feels bad about murdering his Homecoming date, so she offers a back-up.

Party at the Lockwood mansion! It is a big deal, with a band and tons of extras. The band is My Morning Jacket, of which I must confess to be ignorant. Caroline and Bonnie arrive, all decked out in their Homecoming finery. Caroline: “How did he plan a better party than me so fast?” Good question, Caroline. Bonnie: “Who are all these people?” Another good question. Caroline: “This is weird. Where’s Tyler?”

Elsewhere, Stefan compliments Tyler on the impromptu bash, but Tyler says that he’s not the one throwing it. Aha! He adds, “It’s not a party, it’s a wake.” Dun dun dun! And with that, Klaus takes the stage, thanking everyone for being there to celebrate. “It’s been a long time coming,” he declares. You could at least inspect the body first, Klaus. Talk about counting one’s chickens. Sigh.

Meanwhile, “Elena” and Matt arrive. Matt comments on the weirdness of them being there together. Elena: “There’s Caroline. She doesn’t know anything. Act normal.” Hmmm. That combined with Elena’s curly hair makes me super suspicious. You know how Elena likes to Bump It at school dances and parties. This do is just not her style. Plus, that makeup is a tad dramatic. Ahem. Then Caroline approaches, and tells them about the Klaus situation: “Apparently our sired hybrid friend Tyler thought it would be okay to let his master throw a party.” “Elena” and Matt don’t react much. Caroline: “Well, I expected more surprise.” Elena: “I’ve learned not to be surprised by anything Klaus does. I’m gonna go find Bonnie.” After Elena leaves, Care asks Matt what’s going on. She wonders why he’s not there with Rebekah, and the way that she say’s the name is HI-larious. Matt: “Plans changed. I need a drink.” Good plan, Matt. Drink more. It will feel less weird.

Outside, the band plays. There are a lot of people in the audience, including “Elena.” However, “Elena” is more fixated on Stefan and Klaus than My Morning Jacket. Stefan asks, “So what now? Stop running?” Klaus: “Now, I reunite my family.” Stefan: “Your family? You mean the people you cart around in caskets?” Oh, Sassy Stefan. Klaus: “None of that matters anymore. Mikael’s gone. Bygones will be bygones.” Do we believe that? I think not. Klaus continues: “It seems the Homecoming queen still walks among the living, which leads me to believe Rebekah isn’t here. Where is she?” Aw, poor Rebekah never had a chance to kill the Homecoming queen—the key to any normal high school experience.  Stefan, mercifully ignorant, tells the truth: “I have no idea. I thought she was coming with Matt.” Klaus: “Oh, be honest now, Stefan. Where’s my sister?” Stefan confirms: “I said I have no idea. Now, would you like me to take you to your father?” Klaus: “Well, it wouldn’t be a party without the guest of honor, would it? Bring him to me.” Stefan makes his power play: “All right. Perhaps there’s something in it for me? My freedom from your compulsion?” Klaus: “Well, once he’s dead, and his weapon destroyed, you’ll have your freedom. It will be my pleasure to give it back to you.” Uh oh. Somehow, I don’t think this is part of Damon’s secret contingency plan.

Back at Casa Salvatore, Damon pours himself a drink. Mikael enters, and Damon asks him if he got the stake. Aha! So, he didn’t have it with him in the tomb. That all makes more sense now. Mikael confirms that he did, and Damon convinces him to show him. Pretty pretty Original-killing stake, made from the magical white oak tree. You can tell that it was made during a time when poeple knew how to whittle. Mikael explains that “it’s the only weapon on this earth that can kill an Original.” Damon: “I’d offer you a drink, but Katherine tells me you’re more a vampire on the rocks kind of guy.” This was a very exciting comment for 2 reasons. 1) Katherine communicated this very important information. Yay communication! 2) The fact that Katherine communicated this very important information means that she is alive and well!!! ALIVE AND WELL!!! (Not that I doubted it, but it’s nice to be sure.) Back to the scene. Mikael points out that Damon could still offer some vamp blood. Hee. Damon asks, “Why feed on vampires? Don’t tell me it’s for the smooth after taste.” Mikael: “I had a hand in creating vampires, but blood lust was never my intention. Over the centuries, I learned to feed from the predator, not the innocent.” Mmm hmmm. Such a saint, that one. He may have invented vampires, but he won’t drink human blood himself. Hmph.

Then Stefan enters, telling them that there’s a change of plans. He explains that Klaus is at the Lockwood’s and wants Mikael delivered. Mikael takes this opportunity to feed on Stefan. How rude! Apparently, disabling Stefan temporarily was part of the plan, but Damon is annoyed that Mikael didn’t just break his brother’s neck. Aw, family. The ones who look out for you, when vampires kill you in gross(er) ways. Damon grabs a bag, and then he and Papa Original take off to the Lockwood estate.

Back at the party, Tyler talks to Klaus. Ty says his mom would be really upset if she saw all these people. No worries, however, as Klaus compelled her to go to church and pray for his friends. Oh, Klaus. You have such an interesting … way about you. Tyler is confused, so Klaus points out all the strangers. He invited a few dozen friends of his own, all hybrids. I could be wrong, but I thought I detected a bit of disappointment on Tyler’s face, upon learning that he’s no longer the Master’s only pet.  Klaus confirms that his new hybrids “wish to serve” him. Uh oh. He warns: “So, if anyone should so much as make a move against me, they may feel obligated to retaliate. You’re free to warn your friends.” Then he walks away.

Some time later, in Tyler’s room, Tyler and Caroline argue. Tyler: “Whatever you all think you’re about to pull off, he’s two steps ahead of you.” She doesn’t know what he’s talking about, but he doesn’t believe her. She gets pissed: “I don’t know anything. But even if I did, I wouldn’t tell you about it because you’re sired to Team Klaus now, and you can’t be trusted. So can we please just go back to the party now?” I love that Caroline just puts her feeling out there, and never tries to dissemble. Tyler doesn’t love it so much at the moment, however. He sticks his girlfriend in the neck with vervain needle. Wskdfhkehrfer!?!? Bad Tyler.

Outside, the band continues to play. Klaus approaches “Elena,” and offers her a beer, but she refuses. He says he has her to thank for Mikael’s demise. Elena: “He came at me. I didn’t have a choice.” Klaus: “Still, I’m impressed. It’s not easy for a human to dagger an Original.” Elena: “This isn’t the first time.” Baaaad aaaass. Klaus: “Right. Elijah. [Long pause.] You seem nervous.” Elena: “I’m not nervous. I just don’t like you.” Hee. Klaus: “Well I’ll get right to the point then, shall I, Love. People have been after me for a thousand years and I am always one step ahead. So, whatever it is you’re thinking of trying, go for it! Give it your best shot. You won’t succeed.” Dun dun dun. When I watched this episode for the second time, I thought this meant that Klaus knew that Elena was Katherine. But alas, I don’t think that’s the case. Shouldn’t he know better? After chasing her for 500 years? Ugh. Moving on …

Next, Damon shows up at the Lockwood estate. The hybrid at the door says, “Invite only, vampire.” Damon: “Here’s my RSVP, hybrid.”And with that, he does a casual heart snatch that would make Elijah proud. Ha! Well done, Damon. (Not so well done, hybrids. It’s hard to be afraid of you now.)

Back in Tyler’s room, Matt is outraged. He asks Ty what he did to Caroline. Tyler: “It’s just vervain. She’ll be fine, but I need you to get her out of here as fast as possible.” Ah, so this is Tyler’s keep-Caroline-safe plan. Not the best keep-Caroline-my-girlfriend execution, however. Start the breakup countdown now. Matt asks what’s going on. Tyler: “Something’s going down against Klaus, and this house is full of hybrids like me that can’t let anything happen to him.” Matt: “What do you mean can’t?” Tyler: “I can’t explain it. I can’t fight against it. I just know that I need to protect him no matter who gets in my way.” Hmmm. Matt: “By attacking Caroline?!?!?” Tyler: “I’m protecting her, Matt. This is the only way to keep her safe. Please, just get her out of here safely. Get everyone out.” Sure, just make Matt save the day. Again. It’s hard to be Matt Donovan.

Tyler heads downstairs, but runs into Damon. Damon forces him into the study, where Tyler claims: “Whatever move you’re making, Klaus is going to be ready for you. He’ll kill anyone at this party.” Damon is undeterred. The two fight and Damon almost uses the special Original-killing stake on him. Really, Damon???? Really???? Waste the one weapon in existence that can kill Klaus on Tyler? Sigh. Luckily, Bonnie comes in with her aneurysm mojo, incapacitating both guys. Damon: “What the hell is wrong with you?! You weren’t supposed to witchy migraine me!” Bonnie: “You weren’t supposed to kill Tyler!” Point to Bonnie. Bonnie also recognizes the weapon, and wonders why Damon has it. He explains that he’s the only one who can get inside the house. Hmmm.

Meanwhile, Klaus plays beer pong. Let us just pause and reflect on that. Hee. One of his hybrids approaches him, and she tells him that he has a visitor named Mikael. Klaus’s expression is perfection. Just so … resigned. No sense of surprise. Perfection. He tells his hybrid lackey to move everyone out back, then tells another hybrid lackey, “You know what to do.”  Hmmm.

Then Klaus goes to the door to greet Mikael. Papa Original can’t come in, because he hasn’t been invited. There is a lot of back and forth, full of daddy issues and werewolf racism.  The hybrids gather behind Mikael, which prompts Papa Original to point out that they can’t kill him. Klaus: “True, but it will make a hell of a party game. All I have to do is rub these two fingers together and they’ll pounce.” Mikael: “The biiiig baaaad wolf. You haven’t changed. You’re still hiding behind your playthings, like a coward. But don’t you forget, they may be sired by you, but they’re still part vampire. And they can be compelled by me.” Uh oh. The hybrid who Klaus talked to earlier now brings forward a struggling “Elena.” The hybrid woman was compelled by Mikael. “Elena” tells Katherine that Mikael will do it—as in he will kill her. Mikael: “If she dies, this lot will be the last of your abominations.” Klaus: “I don’t need them. I just need to be rid of you.” Really, Klaus? Seems like a waste of half a season of plot development. Mikael: “To what end, Niklaus? So you can live forever with no one at your side? Nobody cares about you anymore, boy! Who do you have other than those whose loyalty you forced. No one. No one.” I feel bad for Klaus, in spite of myself. Klaus: “I’m calling your bluff, father. Kill her.” Mikael: “Come outside and face me, you little coward, and I won’t have to.” Klaus has tears going down his face. “My whole life, you’ve underestimated me. If you kill her, you lose your leverage. So, go ahead. Go on, kill her. C’mon, old man, kill her. Kill her!” Mikael just laughs. “Your impulse, Niklaus. It has and will forever be the one thing that keeps you from truly being great.” Then Mikael stabs “Elena” and laughs. Klaus is SHOCKED. You know, because Mikael threatening to kill her, and then Klaus telling his father to just go ahead and do it would never result in Mikael actually stabbing Elena. Sigh.

Damon takes advantage of the confusion, and pounces. He stabs Klaus with the special stake, but has terrible aim. Maybe Elena isn’t the one who needs anatomy lessons. Or at least, maybe she shouldn’t be learning from Damon. Meanwhile, “Elena” stands up. She’s not hurt. Because she’s Katherine! Hi, Katherine! We missed you so. Mikael is shocked, so clearly this wasn’t part of the plan they made. This was Damon’s secret contingency plan. Good work, Damon! Katherine, delightful vixen that she is, smirks and says “Ka-boom!” With that she throws wolfsbane grenades, which immobilize the hybrids in the yard. Then, just before Damon is going to make the killing blow on Klaus, Stefan pounces on him, stopping him. Gasp! Klaus then picks up the special stake and stabs Mikael in the heart. Mikael bursts into flames along with the weapon. (Tidy writing there. Now there’s no way to kill Klaus again.) Klaus wipes his tears as he stands over his father’s dead body. It’s all very dramatic.

Klaus goes inside to see Stefan pinning Damon down. Damon asks his brother, “What the hell did you do?” Klaus: “He’s earned his freedom.” Ah! Klaus turns to Stefan: “Thank you, my friend. You no longer have to do as I say. You’re free.” Klaus smiles. Hmmm. I think this decision may come back to bite Klaus.

Meanwhile, Caroline wakes up in her bed. She’s still wearing her party dress and she wakes up angry. When Tyler enters, she ignores him. He asks if she’s okay. Caroline: “What do you think?” Tyler: “I’m sorry I stabbed you. It was the only thing I could think of to get you out of there.” Caroline: “Oh yeah? Not, ‘Oh, hey, Caroline. I’m worried about what might happen this evening, so maybe you should just go home and watch Dancing with the Stars.’” Hey, he could have at least tried it. Tyler: “If you knew all your friends were going to get together to try to take down Klaus, would you have left?” Caroline concedes that she would not. Tyler: “So there you go. I saved you from your own stubbornness.” Oh, right. I’m sure she’s really grateful. People love to have their decisions and consciousness taken away from them. Sigh. (Plus, I really wanted to see Caroline fight some hybrids. Is it too much to ask for Caroline to be part of the big fight-y scenes? To be involved in all the disastrous plans?) Caroline is not amused: “This isn’t funny, Tyler. How am I supposed to be with you when you’re sired to him?” Tyler: “I need you to understand, Caroline.” Caroline: “Understand what? That you’re one of the bad guys now?” Ouch. But very telling as to Caroline’s point of view about life. Tyler: “Understand that this is who I am. There’s nothing that I can do about it. Klaus can’t be killed. I can’t be fixed. Understand that I’m okay with it.” While that’s all true, the fact that he can’t change isn’t enough of a reason for Caroline to stay with him. Not when it hurts her and the people that she loves. Ladies, gentlemen, you don’t need to stay with people just because “that’s who they are.” Sometimes “who they are” is just bad for you. Capisce? Regardless of whether Tyler can change or not, Caroline is under no obligation to date the lackey of a vicious killer. She’s Caroline freakin’ Forbes. She deserves so much better. Caroline: “But how are you okay with it?” Tyler: “Because it’s better. I don’t have to turn, Caroline. Not unless I want to. I never have to go through that pain again. If being sired to Klaus is the price that I have to pay, so be it.” Caroline: “But you don’t have any true control over yourself.” Tyler: “I never did before. The full moon controlled me.” I think both of them are missing a pertinent point here. Tyler’s being controlled by a vicious killer, who also wants to use Elena’s blood to create an army of vicious killers. It’s not just slavery to any run of the mill Joe Schmo. I mean, it’s more than an issue of freedom or control here. Tyler continues: “After everything that we’ve been through, you’ve been there for me through all of it. Don’t turn your back on me now.” Long silence, in which Caroline’s face says a lot. Then she says, “Tyler …” Tyler: “Right.” Oh wow, Tyler’s face. Caroline: “I … just …” Tyler: “Got it.” He leaves. It’s pretty heart breaking. I mean, I’m not made of stone. Tyler got the fuzzy end of the lollipop, for sure. But I still think Care is well rid of him. While he has been confronted with uncontrollable forces, he has consistently shown himself to be weak and selfish in the face of these forces. If it weren’t for Caroline, he’d already be deep down the path of evil, but she can only delay it so much. He’s just such an Anakin Skywalker, and we don’t want her to turn into Padmé, dead and pregnant.

Back at the Salvatore house, Elena and Damon bemoan their failure. Elena asks Damon how this happened. Damon is really upset and yells: “I thought of everything, Elena! [...] Anything that could have gone wrong, we were prepared for.” Elena: “I don’t understand. Stefan wanted Klaus dead, more than anything. That’s what we were counting on.” Damon: “We blew it.” Elena asks where Katherine is. Damon: “She ran for the hills, like usual. The minute things got bad. And who blames her? Klaus would have crushed her! I had Klaus! This could have all been over!” He angrily throws his drink in the fire. Elena tries to comfort him: “Hey! Hey, Damon, listen to me. We’ll survive this. We always survive. Trust me.” She holds his neck/ face. Damon: “We’re never getting Stefan back. You know that, don’t you?” Elena: “Then we’ll let him go. Okay? We’ll have to let him go.” Riiiiiiight.

Damon picks up his ringing phone: “Not interested in a play by play of our failure right now, Katherine.” Katherine is in a car. She replies: “I’m just calling to say goodbye. I don’t know what to tell you. You had a good plan, Damon. And that’s high praise coming from me.” Very high praise, indeed. Damon: “That’s not very comforting at the moment. You going back into hiding?” Katherine: “At least my life’s not boring. Goodbye, Damon.” Damon: “Take care of yourself, Katherine.” He hangs up.

Back in the car, Katherine says to someone, “He doesn’t know where it all went wrong.” The someone is soon revealed to be Stefan. Gasp! Stefan retorts: “He doesn’t need to know.” Kat pulls over: “Are you good from here? I need to put about a million miles between myself and Klaus as soon as possible.”

Flashback to earlier that night. Kat approaches Stefan in the Salvatore library, as he comes to, post-Mikael. Kat: “Pep up. I’ve only got a minute before they realize I’m not at the party.” She throws him a blood bag. Cut to another flashback, from a little bit earlier in the party. It picks up where we left off in the Klaus-Elena convo, outside. Klaus: “You seem nervous.” Kat: “I’m not nervous. I just don’t like you.” Klaus: “Well I’ll get right to the point then, shall I, love. People have been after me for a thousand years and I am always one step ahead. So, whatever it is you’re thinking of trying, go for it! Give it your best shot. You won’t succeed.”  Kat: “It won’t be for lack of trying.” Klaus: “You’d be smart to tell Damon to mind his manners tonight. Because, if I die, I’ve already ensured that he’ll die along with me. Even in death, my hybrids have their orders. So, you kill me, you’re killing him too.” Dun dun dun.

Back in the present, Stefan asks, “How did you know that I would stop Damon?” Kat: “I didn’t. I was just hoping that you’d want to.”

Flashback to the plotting in Casa Salvatore. Katherine explains, “If Klaus gets killed, he’s taking Damon down with him.” Stefan: “So pull the plug on the plan.” Katherine: “And face the wrath of Mikael? We’ll all be dead. Okay, look. I know that you’ve turned off your humanity and you don’t care, so there’s only one solution.” Stefan: “What’s that?” Katherine: “Care, Stefan.  Care enough to save Damon’s life. Because I am going back to that party and I am seeing this plan through. Klaus will be killed and we’ll have our freedom. But then Damon will be dead. Your brother will be dead, Stefan. Unless you care enough to do something about it.” Aha!

Back to the present, in the car. Stefan: “You’ve wanted Klaus dead for 500 years. Why would you risk all that just to save Damon’s life?” Kat: “I wasn’t just trying to save Damon’s life, Stefan. I was trying to save yours—your humanity. Let’s just say I like the old you better.” Stfan doesn’t buy it: “Nah, c’monm Katherine. You don’t care about anybody but yourself. You know that.” Katherine: “You and I both know that that is not true. I loved you. I loved Damon too. Humanity is a vampire’s greatest weakness. No matter how easy it is to turn it off, it just keeps trying to fight its way back in. [Long pause] Sometimes I let it.” Awww. But do we believe here. Stefan: “I can’t let it all back in. I don’t want to. Not after everything I’ve done.” Katherine “Of course you don’t want to. But if you don’t let yourself feel, you won’t be able to do what I need you to do next.” Stefan: “And what’s that?” Katherine: “Get mad!” And according to the previews for the next episode, get mad is just what Stefan does. Thoughts on Kat’s motivation here? Do we take it at face value? But this is Katerina Petrova … there must be more to it. Theories?

Meanwhile, poor Rebekah’s temporarily-dead body lies FACE-DOWN in the dirty dungeon. Tragical. There are probably still pieces of burned Luka on that ground. Eww. Her phone rings. Klaus wants a family reunion.

Then Stefan calls Klaus to thank him for his freedom. But Stefan adds: “The thing is, it came at too high of a price. You took everything from me, Klaus.” Dun dun dun. Klaus: “Let bygones be bygones. Trust me, resentment gets old.” Klaus opens the truck. Stefan: “You know what never gets old? Revenge.” Klaus looks into the truck to gaze at his creepy coffins, but the truck is EMPTY! Oh, Revenge Stefan. You might be even more fun than Sassy Stefan! (Also, way to listen to Katherine. Just saying.) Klaus: “No.” Stefan: “What’s the matter, Klaus? Missing something?” Hahahaha!!! I’m not sure if I’ll ever stop laughing. Hee. Klaus: “What are you doing?” Stefan: “Just enjoying my freedom.” Klaus: “I will kill you and everyone you have ever met.” Hmmm. Maybe this plan is not so well thought out, Revenge Stefan. But major points for getting your Emily Thorne on. Klaus: “You do that and you will never see your family again. I wonder, Klaus, as someone who’s been one step ahead for a thousand years, were you prepared for this?” We see that Stefan has the coffins with him, in an undisclosed location. The end.

Thoughts? Questions? Theories?

Hiatus is over, people! Tomorrow night, January 5^th, tune in for an all new episode of The Vampire Diaries at 8 PT/ET on The CW. You can check out the promos below:

Halloween in Rosewood: Alison as Lady Gaga and Spencer as Mary, Queen of Scots. Photo Credit: ABC Family.

In the latest episode of the Heroine TV Podcast, I was joined by my friend Tash (IHeartVampireDiaries.com and TheSecretCircle.net) to talk about some of our current favorites. First we discussed Pretty Little Liars, commenting on the season 2 summer finale and the recent Halloween special. With the show returning on January 2nd, we tried to refresh our memories about all the recent plot twists and share our thoughts and theories. Next, we  talked about Hart of Dixie, starting at the 39:30 mark, focusing on “The Crush and the Crossbow” and “Homecoming and Coming Home”–we had not yet seen tonight’s pirate-themed episode, so keep that in mind. We discussed alligator-on-a-stick, The Lemon Problem, Lavon’s awesomess, our shared love of Summer Roberts, and more. After covering the happenings in Bluebell, we moved on to Chance Harbor. The Secret Circle discussion starts at the 76:16 mark (1:16:15), including some book talk and my strong aversion to the Deep V-neck tee. Then we moved on to the soapy goodness that is Revenge, starting at 114 minutes in (1:54:00). We determined that we’d rather be in the Hamptons than Paris, but we’d rather that crazy Tyler and faux Amanda were in Paris than the the Hamptons. We also rave about Nolan, making plans for him to become our best friend. And I may or may not have swooned over Jack. Finally, we talked fairy tales. Once Upon A Time discussion begins at 153:50 (2:33:50), covering the latest episode, “The Still Small Voice,” and our thoughts on the series so far. This podcast contains spoilers for episodes airing on or up to Sunday, November 27th, 2011. You can listen on the player below, or subscribe via  iTunes. Enjoy!

"Why isn't Caroline running this show?" we ask. Photo: Quantrell Colbert/The CW.

Spoilers ahead for The Vampire Diaries 3×09, “Homecoming,” aired Thursday, November 10^th, 2011:

So … “Homecoming.” Klaus came home to face his father, and there was even a Homecoming dance that never happened. Some multiple meanings in that title, right? I liked the episode as a whole, absolutely LOVED parts of it, but was kind of left with a “And that’s how the sausage is made!” impression. You could actually SEE the writing on the screen, you know? Plot twist overload, a bit. It’s kind of exhausting. But still really entertaining, and I guess that’s really the point. TVD never fails to entertain. Also, KATHERINE! Kaboom! Ba-Boom! Whatever-Boom! I’ll go into more detail about my thoughts on these various twists, in my full recap. However, we don’t have a new episode until January, and I have a lot of grading to do this weekend, so this is NOT a full recap. Yet. (I promise, I will do one.) For now, I will share with you a conversation that I had with my sister Francesca about this episode, late last night. Some of you may know about Frani from the Heroine TV Podcast, my tweets about her, or her help with my San Diego Comic-Con coverage. She is the coolest. She is also basically the avatar for the average television viewer. She doesn’t read spoilers, casting news, recaps, message boards, Twitter, etc. I mean, I did force her to join Twitter (@cesfranca), but she checks in once in a blue moon. She just watches all shows I tell her about—occasionally out of order—and then I occasionally force her to talk to me about them. Me? I watch TVD episodes frame by frame to pick up all the little details, and write overly long recaps with intense thoughts, so you can see the difference. Here’s what we talked about last night. I didn’t record the call, so this is an approximation of what we said, not a transcript. Also, keep in mind that we had both only seen the episode once.

Lucia: “Did you watch The Vampire Diaries?

Francesca: “Yeah.”

Lucia: “What did you think about it?”

Francesca: “Uuuuuummmmm … it was confusing? Like, I wasn’t quite sure what was going on. But it was good.”

Lucia: “Oh yeah, there were a lot of plot twists.”

Francesca: “Yeah, like I didn’t get who knew what about what. And why did Stefan try to stop Damon from killing Klaus?” 

Lucia: “[Giggles.] Okay. Yeah, so let me explain the whole plan thing. There were actually three different plans going. No, four … no wait, five. Well … there were a lot. Oh wow, yeah … it was complicated. So, first of all, there was the plan that Elena, Stefan, Damon, Mikael, and Rebekah were ALL in on. They would lure Klaus back to Mystic Falls by telling him that Mikael was dead. Then Mikael would kill Klaus. So the main plan was ostensibly to kill Klaus, using Mikael to do it. But then Damon had a secret backup plan that involved Katherine, that he didn’t tell anyone else about. Except Katherine, obviously. Then Elena took it upon herself to kill Rebekah, because she was a wild card and might turn on them. Then Damon and Mikael had a deal to leave Stefan out of it. Hence him draining Stefan and no one telling Stefan any of the details. Stefan had to know the least, so he couldn’t mess it up for anyone. Remember, the whole compulsion thing? But then Stefan was sort of a wild card himself, and made his own deal with Klaus to get free of compulsion. But THEN, we learned at the end that Katherine went behind Damon’s back to make a secret deal with STEFAN to save Damon’s life. So Stefan had to go back to the party and stop Damon from killing Klaus, all to save his brother’s life. But BONUS: he was given his freedom.”

Francesca: “Oooookay. Hmmm. I didn’t know anything about that saving Damon part. I missed that.”

Lucia: “Yeah, Katherine revealed that part at the end, in the car with Stefan. Klaus had revealed to her that he had a backup plan too—SO MANY DIFFERENT PLANS—in case he was killed. His Hybrids were compelled to kill Damon. But that seems kind of silly since Damon basically proved that the Hybrids were super easy to kill when he arrived at the party and just casually ripped one’s heart out. [Present day interjection! Oh, and I just realized that compulsion wears off after the compeller’s death. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, KAT AND STEF?!?! I’m confused. Oh wait, I guess this is a siring thing. Not compulsion. They are weirdly loyal to him ... and that tie will continue post-death? Fine then. But still!] Oh! And then there was another aspect of Katherine’s plan, because she is awesome. Convince Stefan to get angry and get revenge on Klaus. So Stefan stole Klaus’s family. Go Katherine!”

Francesca: “[Laughs.] I don’t get why they had to keep that a secret from Damon though. Why weren’t they working together?”

Lucia: “Well, Damon and Elena’s number one priority was to kill Klaus. Not Mikael. This part would have made it all for naught for them. Killing Klaus was the whole point of their plan.”

Francesca: “Oh, okay. But I was kind of relieved that Klaus wasn’t killed. I’m glad his dad was killed instead. He was way worse. He was the real bad guy.”

Lucia: “Awww, you’re feeling sorry for Klaus? His lil’ tear-stained face got to you?”

Francesca: “[Giggles.] Yeah! I mean, it’s his dad who was REALLY the bad guy! I’m glad Mikael died. But I don’t get why they didn’t just kill him when he was in that coffin for all those years. I mean, if he was really so terrible …”

Lucia: “Good point. But did they know he was there? Well, I guess in the flashback episode Elena mentioned the tomb location to Rebekah, and it seemed like she DID know. Or maybe she was just scared? Either way, they should have found out. I see your point.”

Francesca: “I mean, why put him in a tomb? Why not kill him if he’s so bad?”

Lucia: “Oh, I don’t think the Originals were the ones who put Mikael in the tomb. I think he put himself in there. To stop the blood cravings. Remember, he didn’t want to kill innocent people? Although … I guess he found a solution to that by drinking vampires, so that would be kind of odd … hmmm.”

Francesca: “Hmmm … put himself in there? [Tone of extreme disbelief.] That doesn’t seem like something he would do at all. He is THE EVILEST EVER.” [I am paraphrasing here. Basically, Frani thinks that Mikael was REALLY bad news and is a major Klaus apologist.]

Lucia: “[Giggles.] Okay. I guess we just don’t really know. But it does seem rather silly that no one killed him when he was in that tomb. Or at least stole the Original-killing stake. I mean, the stake is just locked up with him? That is some valuable property. And if Mikael was so determined to kill Klaus, why would he just take himself out of the game. If he didn’t want to take himself out, then who made him? Witch involvement, perhaps? Whatever. Let’s talk about Caroline. Once again she was not part of the plan. I hate when they leave her out of things.”

Francesca: “Yeah. I think there was even A WHOLE EPISODE before this one where there wasn’t even ANY Caroline. [She says this in a tone of outraged disbelief.] THAT WAS TERRIBLE.”

Lucia: “[Giggles.] Yeah. That was the flashback episode. But, I mean, it makes sense for that episode because …”

Francesca: “Don’t take their side!”

Lucia: “[Dies laughing.] Okay, fine. Fine. You’re right. Caroline needs to be in every episode. What did you think about what Tyler did to her?”

Francesca: “Oh yeah. Well … I could see it from his side. He thought he was just protecting her.”

Lucia: “Yeah, but Caroline is the awesomest ever. If she had been part of the plan, maybe Klaus would be dead right now. Why does everyone keep trying to protect her, leaving her out of the game? They are probably just jealous. They don’t want her to steal the show.”

Francesca: “Right. But I think it’s because she’s not directly involved in those things. It’s all about Elena.”

Lucia: “Yeah. But then even though Tyler shot her with that needle to protect her, what about Caroline’s reaction? She was not happy with him.”

Francesca: “What? She didn’t break up with him did she? I think I missed that part.”

Lucia: “Well, she was just like “You are a slave to the bad guy. This is a problem!” And then Tyler was like, “Well, this is me now. Deal with it or …” And Caroline was kind of like, “Or … well …” and Tyler left in a huff. I love that Caroline, even though she is a vampire, is still clear about her morality. Klaus is THE BAD GUY, case closed. Tyler is now working for “the bad guy,” and this is a big problem for her.”

Francesca: “Yeah. Hmmm.”

Lucia: “Oh, and let me tell you about how when I watched the promo, I totally thought I saw Katherine. But then, people were like, well, Elena probably is just having a good hair day. But I mean, has Elena’s hair ever had curls like that? No. Even when she goes to dances, she usually bumps-it. You know, with the puffy tease Snooki thing? Plus, that makeup! Very un-Elena-like. I knew that had to be Katherine! Oh and this reminds me, we didn’t get to see Alaric in a suit! So sad. There were suits to be worn, but no Alaric!”

Francesca: [[Rolls her eyes. Yes, I could see it through the phone. Then laughs at me because I’m silly. Yawns.]

Lucia: “And why were Damon and Elena making homemade wolsbane grenades all by their lonesome? You know Alaric probably has like 20 of those things in his closet. Plus lots of other weapons. I mean, use your resources, people.”

Francesca: “[Giggles.] Yeah, he totally does. That was weird. [Yawn yawn.]”

Lucia: “Okay, well, that was the last episode until January. Same for The Secret Circle. I guess I should let you go since it’s so late and you’re tired.”

Francesca: “Hmmm. Okay. Goodnight, Cia.” [Click.]

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