RINGER: “A Whole New Kind of B*tch”

Read on for my haircap* of Ringer 1×05, “A Whole New Kind of B*tch,” aired October 11^th, 2011:

Um … I just found this almost-finished post from MONTHS AGO in my drafts folder on WordPress. Oops! My apologies for its lateness. Eleven episodes of Ringer have now aired, so I am ridiculously behind. I know, ridiculous. After this haircap, I’ll fast-forward to the most recent episode.  I’m still really enjoying the show, but it definitely takes a high level of suspension of disbelief, and it is not the kind of show that I would take too seriously. It’s soapy fun. Hence the haircaps. I am super behind on said haircaps, so let us all travel back in time together, to episode five, where Gemma was possibly killed. While episode five didn’t have very many hair or clothing changes, it was possibly the best episode of Ringer up to this point [this point was episode seven]. Why? Because the show finally seemed self aware. However, on the downside, episode five did not include any of Siobhan’s Parisian shenanigans. Sacré bleu! Quelle horreur! So, without any further ado, on to the look-by-look recap …

 

LOOK 1: Look familiar? That’s right. Bridget is still in her birthday jumpsuit from the night before. There has been no sleep. She’s still rocking the chunky sweater. Most importantly, her hair is the worse for wear, which shows us her PAIN. Really, each flat lock demonstrates the intense stress that Bridget is under. I mean, you can just tell by this do that she is just absolutely distraught over her fake best friend’s unexplained disappearance. Kidding! JK! She’s absolutely distraught over what said fake best friend might reveal about her. Let’s be real. When we left off on previous episode, Bridget had come clean to Gemma in the Hamptons. “I’m not Siobhan. I’m Bridget.” Cliffhanger alert! Then Gemma ran off, after telling Bridget that she didn’t believe her. Uh oh.

At the opening of this episode, Bridget, Andrew, and Henry all ride home from the Hamptons together. Awkward. Also, we get a mirror shot, for anyone keeping track at home. Drink! After a tension-filled elevator ride (see picture above), Bridget and Andrew arrive back at the loft. Bridget is braced for the worst. They enter to find the word “WHORE” scrawled in red over Siobhan’s portrait. OH NO! GEMMA HAS STRUCK!!! Wait … fake out! It was just the result of teenage angst and substance abuse! Juliet and her friends had a par-tay. That awkward moment when “whore” is written on your sister’s portrait, and you’re not sure who wrote it. Poor Bridget. You know things are rough when there are multiple suspects for defaming the portrait of the identical twin you’re pretending to be. (I know, I know. What even is this show?) Andrew asks Juliet to apologize for defacing the portrait, further proving his lackluster parenting skills. Clearly the portrait is not the biggest problem here. 

 

LOOK 2: Flashback look! The real Siobhan rocks a simple and elegant up-do with a delicate headband. All the better to show off her sparkly dress and plunging neckline. She looks amaaaaazing. Siobhan basically wins this look-off right off the bat. Sorry, Bridget. Your faux-bhan can’t compete with the real thing. How did we sneak a peek at this Siobhan from the past? Gemma goes home and watches an old home video, featuring the fabulous foursome. Armed with new knowledge, she now notices that Henry and Siobhan are making eyes at each other at the party. Henry comes home and is his typical selfish self. Gemma won’t tell him what happened. Then Gemma spots a burn mark on the real Siobhan in the video, and realizes that Bridget was telling her the truth. Meanwhile, Henry receives his manuscript back and a note to call his publisher. ZOMG, I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT CITY BURNS IS NOT A HIT! His muse was a crazy woman and Henry has the soul of an artist! (Sarcasm font.)

 

LOOK 3: Then Bridget wears this. I know, I don’t understand it either. At first I thought it was pajamas, but then she wore it out. In later pictures, you can actually see that the top is navy, not black, and includes ruching. Perhaps it is a couple sizes too big? Her hair actually looks great, though a bit predictable for her. This is basically her birthday hair, minus the festive headband. One can’t wear festive headbands when one’s fake best friend is missing, after all. Nor when one is dealing with substance-abusing minors.

Bridget and Andrew have a heart-to-heart about Juliet. He was really touched by “Siobhan” comforting Juliet in the bathroom the other night. Awww. Bridget’s less nostalgic and more, “Your daughter’s using drugs, so let’s search her room.” Andrew thinks that this is an invasion of her privacy. Um, Andrew, step up. Be a parent. Your daughter could be in physical danger. The drugs Bridget found earlier were serious business. This is not a teen weed habit.

Also, this is what Juliet’s room looks like:

Butterfly picture and floral lamp? This really does not feel very Juliet to me. Did the real Siobhan decorate it like this to torture her? Hmmm. I would not put it past that evil twin. Next, Briget and her loose chignon  go to see Gemma. Gemma checks Bridget’s forearm for Siobhan’s scar, but Bridget is scar-free. Gemma explains that Siobhan was burned in a cooking class. The two sit and talk. Bridget reveals that Siobhan killed herself. Gasp! Gemma asks how long–as in how long Bridget has been pulling this crazy scam. Bridge reveals that she’s been pretending for two weeks. Gemma: “I don’t get what kind of a person does this to their own sister.” Right?! Bridget claims that she doesn’t have a choice. Me: “Hmmm. I think you have a choice, and you chose Andrew. I can’t really blame you.” Bridget: “A desperate one. Gemma, I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t have a choice. The man that I’m supposed to testify against wants me dead. You can’t tell anyone.” Gemma is as moved by this as the audience: “I guess you are Siobhan’s sister. You somehow you made this all about you. For the record, I don’t have to do anything you ask me. I don’t even know you.” LOVE LOVE LOVE.

THEN, Juliet goes home to see her room ransacked, and decides to destroy Siobhan’s wedding dress. Yeah, she did. SERIOUSLY. This is a telling sign as to just how horrible Siobhan must have been to Juliet. Also, a sign of how incredibly batsh*t Juliet is. Lucky lucky Andrew. Just surrounded by the insane. Oh, and in the process of all the crazy, Juliet finds a pamphlet from NA. Uh oh.

Could Bridget hide in her coffee cup any harder? No. No, she could not. Just another NA Meeting for Bridge. Well, not exactly, because Bridget meets a new cute guy. Because she was really suffering a drought, you know. No cute guys for miles and miles. Unfortunately, this new cute guy also vaguely resembles Spencer Pratt, and once I figured that out, I CAN NOT UNSEE IT. His name is Charlie, and he will be important later. Also, Juliet shows up, spying on her fake step-mom. Uh oh.

 

Later the three Martins down to eat. Apparently, Juliet and Andrew have “had a talk.” For some reason this talk did not result in Juliet forced into rehab or therapy. Amazing parenting skills, Andrew, once again. Juliet than catches Bridget in a lie, and reveals to Andrew that step-mommy dearest was in Brooklyn. BROOKLYN!?!? Can you believe it? It’s like she’s a Humphrey or something. Bridget looks absolutely terrified, but Juliet unwittingly saves her due to her own supreme selfishness. Juliet declares: “I’m not going to rehab. You’re not putting me into some program. I saw those people you were with. I’m not some low-life degenerate addict loser.” Juliet is horrible. And phew … close one there, Bridge.

 

Then Gemma shows up to talk to Bridget and Andrew. She sets up a big reveal … but then only says she can’t continue to work on the loft. When Andrew leaves, Bridget thanks Gemma, but Gemma wants more than appreciation. Gemma has a crazy scheme to catch Andrew cheating. She wants to divorce Henry, but doesn’t want to give him money or custody. There’s an adultery clause in her pre-nup, but she needs irrefutable proof. Thus, she orders Bridget to sleep with her husband, or else she’ll tell everyone who Bridget really is. Which causes THIS:

LOOK 4: What is even happening? It’s dark, but is it the middle of the night? Is it early morning? One thing’s for sure, Bridget is dressed to kill. This is the hair and accessorizing of a femme fatale. Oh, and as we can see by the pill bottle in her hand, Bridge contemplates falling off the wagon. Uh oh. She calls Malcolm, but he’s high and in a cage. (Remember, the bad guy kidnapped him and pumped him full of drugs.) Oh, and MIRROR ALERT. DRINK! After some hopeless crying, Bridget pours the pills down the sink. Woo hoo! You go, Bridget!

Then she goes to Brooklyn for a coffee date with Charlie. Wearing this same outfit. And it is daylight now, so I’m pretty sure that Bridget is rocking amazing silver heels and glamorous earrings at 9am. Rock on, Bridget. She vaguely explains her problem to Charlie: “Either I do something that I know is wrong to save my family, or I risk losing it all.” Charlie reminds her: “We addicts we feed on shame.” Thus, if she thinks it’s wrong, she can’t do it, or else. Oh, so apparently Charlie is Bridget’s new sponsor. Because having another hot guy as a sponsor should not be a problem after the last time, when, you know, SHE SLEPT WITH HER SPONSOR. This woman NEVER LEARNS. And does NA even allow this? Moving on …

Meanwhile, Henry acts like a supremely selfish idiot, making Gemma even more determined in her psychotic plan. Then this happens:

Gemma and Bridget meet at the loft. We learn that Bridget’s outfit is actually a dress, and that she has a metallic purse to set off her amazing shoes. Bridget takes a lesson from her accessories and acts all steely. Sleeping with Henry is NOT gonna happen. Sorry, Gemma! Gemma: “How’s Andrew gonna feel when he realizes that his real wife is dead, and he’s been sharing a bed with a drug addict stripper whore.” Awkward. Bridget wonders where she heard that, and Gema explains that she did her research. Then she brings up the FBI guy and delivers my favorite line in the series: “Did you really think this would work? It’s ridiculous. Aren’t you supposed to be pregnant for crying out loud? You had no right to do this to the people in Siobhan’s life.” WORD. Bridget: “I’m trying to help them. My sister left behind a huge mess. I’m trying to clean it up.” Riiiiight. Gemma: “This has nothing to do with them. Everything you’ve done has been self-serving.” WORD. Bridget denies this, however. Gemma asks her to prove it by sleeping with Henry. Gemma says that Bridget needs to seduce Henry by midnight tonight, or she’s telling Andrew. Dun dun dun.

Bridget contemplates her options.

Meanwhile, Andrew and Juliet talk consequences. Juliet has to go to public school now. THE HORROR. She asks why she’s being punished, but Andrew claims that it’s not a punishment. He says that her friends are a bad influence. Andrew: “Juliet, I can’t believe that this is about drugs. You’re so much better than this.” Really? Juliet: “It’s not about drugs. It’s about Siobhan. […] It’s like she’s a whole new kind of bitch. […] You and I both know that the only person Siobhan cares about is herself. […] You wanna know why I really hate Siobhan? Because she’s a cheating bitch who sleeps with married men.” Dun dun dun.

LOOK 5: Or is it still Look 4? She has the same hair, but those are different earrings. Is that the same dress? Honestly, I cannot tell. This show is so deep and complicated, you guys. And darkly lit. Bridget meets Henry at a bar. Henry: “I forgot how you sparkle up close.” Then he leans in for a kiss and it seems like she is too … but instead, she whispers in his ear: “Your wife knows about us.” Henry finally has a reaction of fear. FINALLY! Bridget continues: “She wants me to get you in bed so she can catch us.” She then spills the whole plan to him. “Henry, you need to fix this. You need to keep her quiet.” She wants him to tell Gemma that he loves her, learn to love her again, but Henry says he can’t. Suddenly he can’t live a lie. “I’m done.” Shut up, Henry. Bridget: “Then I’m out of moves.”

Here’s a better look at Bridget’s sequins. You know, the important stuff. When Bridge arrives home, she finds Andrew wearing a turtleneck. A turtleneck symbolic of guilt and a harbinger of deep discussion. For a minute, it seems like maybe he knows about Siobhan’s affair with Henry, but … psych! Juliet thinks Siobhan is a cheater because Andrew and Siobhan got together when he was still married to Juliet’s mom. Bad Andrew! The two then find a matchbook with the name of a club on it, and set off to find Juliet.

But before they leave, Crazy!Gemma shows up, wearing a weird fur vest to symbolize all her new crazy. She is pissed that Bridget didn’t sleep with Henry like she asked. Now everyone will find out the truth about Bridget! Bridget: “Do you have any idea how many twisted things I’ve learned about my sister’s life in the last few weeks?” Gemma: “Well, she kind of sucks.” Hee. Bridget tries to use Juliet’s well-being as a bargaining chip. Low. Bridget argues that she doesn’t want Henry, and says that maybe she can be the friend that Siobhan wasn’t. Nice try, but Gemma is moving fast on the crazy train.

Gemma leaves and makes a call from a cab to Henry. He calls her “sick,” and accuses her of wanting to take his invisible children away from him. Poor invisible children. He explains that Siobhan told him everything. She says they will have the conversation when she gets home, but he tells her not to bother. He’s going out. Hmmm …

Bridget and Andrew head to the club to find Juliet. Bridget adds a leather jacket to her ensemble. They find the troubled teen, and then there’s some discussion of Andrew’s previous marriage. Juliet thinks that if Andrew hadn’t met Siobhan, her parents marriage would have lasted. Andrew clarifies that is NOT the case. Then Bridget apologizes, because apologizing for her sister’s mistakes is her thing. Bridget: “I’ve done a lot of crappy things. And I would like the chance to make up for them.” Juliet seems to buy it.

Then they go home to wash “WHORE” off of Siobhan’s painting. The family that cleans together stays together.

MEANWHILE: Poor Malcolm is still being pumped full of drugs. His life is THE WORST.

CLIFFHANGER: Gemma calls Andrew, sobbing. She wants him to meet her at her house. It’s an emergency. Andrew arrives to the Butler apartment to find Henry, alone. He’s acting suuuuuper weird. He won’t let Andrew come in, and says that Gemma hasn’t been home all night. Then Henry goes inside to a ransacked apartment, blood on the walls. Woah.

Photo Credit: Unless otherwise indicated, screen captures are courtesy of the fabulous Glamorous-SMG.com. You can access the episode 5 gallery here.

*Thanks to my sister Gianna for coming up with the term “haircap.” How did I miss that?