THE VAMPIRE DIARIES: “The Ties That Bind”

Read on for my recap & review of The Vampire Diaries 3×12, “The Ties That Bind,” aired Thursday, January 19, 2012:

Anything exciting happen in this episode? Oh, just the return of Elijah. Eliiiiiijaaaaaahhhhh! Ahem. Let me compose myself. Eliiiiiiiijaaaaaaahhhh! Okay, okay, I’ll get there. I’ll get there. Ahem. What else happened? Oh yeah, that stuff. Sigh. “The Ties That Bind” was a bit of a mixed bag. A number of the plot developments felt a bit incongruous in the context of the excellent third season. After proving that he’s beyond the whole Elena obsession, Stefan was stalking Elena again? Elena confessed to Stefan that she kissed Damon … in a moment of groan-inducing timing? (Seriously, my Twitter timeline collectively groaned.) Bonnie’s long lost witch mother was revealed to have known about the doppelgänger for years and to have entombed Mikael … and yet the reveal took place in a tepid expositional scene that failed to move me? The central dramatic tension relied on a bond between two people we’ve never met before? Tyler brought in the man who tortured Caroline—Tyler helped rescue Caroline from Torture!Daddy’s clutches, remember—to help win her back? The episode just felt a bit off. Nevertheless, there were some highly entertaining parts—particularly the Alaric-Damon scenes. In fact, this episode was surprisingly hilarious, you guys! We needed some funny. I mean, there was even that part where Tyler attacked Torture!Daddy. Hilarious! Still laughing! Hee. And then there was the final scene. BOOM. On to the recap …

Bonnie’s dreaming of coffins again. Well, more correctly, one coffin, and it’s more like a nightmare. Witches’ lives are the worst. In the opening scene, Bonnie is back in that clearing in the woods from season one, but this time it’s a graveyard, featuring the headstones of a bunch of Bennetts. R.I.P. Sheila. Never forget. Also, in the clearing: the unopenable coffin. Klaus appears and says he figured out how to open it, then he attacks. Cut to darkness. Bonnie wakes up IN the coffin. Aaaagh! Her phone doesn’t work, so she starts yelling for someone to let her out. She tries to use magic, but it doesn’t work. Fiiiiiinally, someone opens the lid, bathed in a beautiful light. It’s Persia White, a.k.a. Bonnie’s mom. You can tell she’s a witch, because she clearly hasn’t aged in the 18 years since she gave birth to Bonnie. Those Bennetts have good genes.

Cut to Elena and Bonnie discussing said dream … in the old Witch House. What?! Bonnie is showing Elena the coffins and explaining everything!? What?! So much for keeping it a secret. She does a little more Original math for the benefit of Elena and the audience. Four coffins. Three coffins contain Elijah and two other family members, plus one mysterious coffin that won’t open. Bonnie’s dreams make her think that the locked coffin will help kill Klaus. Could the dreams be coming from the Original Witch, perhaps? Then Stefan enters, annoyed that Bonnie spilled the beans. Bonnie argues the weakest excuse in history: she needs Elena’s help to find the woman from her dream. Really, Bonnie? Really? Must be Elena’s amazing detective skills. (Though, on an emotional character note, I can totally understand why Bon would want her best friend’s support on this.) Bonnie reveals that she figured out that the woman in her dream is her mom, showing off an adorable picture of her toddler self with her mother. Title card. 

Later, we see Bonnie and Elena in the Gilbert kitchen, looking through a pile of Abby Bennetts. Bonnie thanks Elena for helping, and there’s a little forgiveness on both sides for the events of “Our Town.” Aw, besties. Elena’s worried about her friend, so she says Bonnie should just let Stefan obsess over this. It doesn’t have to be Bonnie’s problem. Bonnie: “The coffin’s spelled shut. That makes it a witch problem.” Good point. Then Damon enters, he found the right Abby Bennett, using compulsion. OMG, I can’t believe that Detective Elena wasn’t the one to find Abby! SHOCKED! Shocked, I tell you. Damon wants to come with the girls to talk to Abby, but Elena says no: “We don’t need your snarky commentary narrating the experience.” Damon gives her a ridiculous puppy dog look, and there’s some major sexual tension. Bonnie sees something’s up: “What’s going on with you two?” Damon: “We kissed. Now it’s weird. Have a great trip.” Ha!

Meanwhile, Tyler shows up at Caroline’s to apologize. Since he bit her with his deadly hybrid bite, Care thinks they’re way past apologies. But Tyler explains what happened, how it was out of his control, and a product of his sire bond with Klaus. To fix things, he called Caroline’s mom to get in touch with Bill Forbes, Caroline’s Torture!Daddy. Really, Tyler? Really? Tyler should be teaming up with Stefan and Damon to kill Klaus at this point, not enlisting the help of the guy he had to rescue Caroline from last month. Sigh. However, the reasoning SORT OF makes sense, since Bill can resist compulsion. Tyler thinks maybe Bill can help him resist the sire bond. Again, I think killing Klaus is the more efficient goal, but at least this is something. I wouldn’t have thought Tyler had it in him. I’m impressed that he’s not just giving up this time. Anyway, Bill agrees to help. Caroline wonders why he would. Bill: “Because he made a mistake, and now he wants to make good. And I understand that.” What? Are we seriously supposed to buy this speech, after how he last left Caroline? I’m not. Watch your back, Care.

At the Mystic Grill, Meredith and Alaric finish up lunch together. They’re super cute together, with adorable banter back and forth. Alaric: “Next time dinner?” Aw, he likes her! She says yes. Awww. Then Damon comes in, wondering what the hot doctor’s damage is. I always suspected that Damon was a Heathers fan. Alaric denies that she has damage, but Damon says it’s a fact of life. Alaric thinks about it and does remember that her ex called her a psycho case. Damon: “Yeah, but it comes from her ex. Doesn’t count.” Hee. Alaric: “I wonder what my exes would call me?” Damon: “Nothing. They’re all dead.” Heeeee. Favorite line EVER. Alaric: “Well, her ex is the medical examiner. So he’s dead … adjacent.” Hee. This whole conversation is my favorite. Damon: “She dated the medical examiner? Well, I don’t think he’s dead adjacent. I think he’s just dead. Murdered.” You guys, this is killing me. In THE BEST way. Alaric is surprised by this news. Damon explains, “The sheriff’s trying to keep a lid on it since he was staked in the chest like a vampire.” Alaric: “Well, Meredith didn’t say anything about that.” Damon: “Well, red flag number two.” Hey, Damon. I thought the first red flag didn’t count. Your math is biased. Alaric: “What do you think killed him?” Alaric: “I don’t know. But if I was a cop, your sexy doctor lady friend would definitely be a suspect.” Uh oh. Poor Alaric. I hope that Meredith doesn’t end up a psycho boyfriend killer, for his sake. Also, I’d like Meredith to stick around and be awesome, for her sake.

Back at Casa Salvatore, Stefan comes home to find Klaus very much at home, listening to music and drinking. Ha! Stefan asks what he’s doing there and what he wants. Klaus wants to know what he can do to get his family back. Stefan is still playing tough: “Well, see, Klaus, um … I’m not negotiating.” Klaus: “And you understand that holding them indefinitely is the same thing as dropping them in the ocean?” Good point. Uh oh. Stefan: “No, no. You leave Mystic Falls, and then give me a call in a few years and we’ll talk.” Ha! Nice try. Klaus: “I’m gonna give you another chance. Just one more. Let’s make a reasonable deal.” Stefan: “Or what? You make one move and …” Klaus: “That’s right. Crazy Stefan. How’s that working out for you? Any friends left?” Point to Klaus.

Meanwhile, Bonnie and Elena are driving out of Mystic Falls in Bonnie’s car. They discuss Bonnie’s history with her mom, how she left and never wrote or called. Poor Bonnie. Bonnie then changes the subject to the Elena-Damon kiss, asking the important question: “I mean … was it good?” Ha! Elena: “Doesn’t matter.” Bonnie: “That means it was.” Their convo is then interrupted by Stefan calling. I guess Klaus made him nervous? He wants to check up on Bonnie’s progress? Elena tells her to ignore him, but Bonnie points out Stefan’s stalkerish tendencies persistence, so Elena answers. He asks where they are, and Elena lies about staying at the lake house. Stefan says they need to move faster on opening the coffin, and Elena retorts that maybe it would help if he didn’t call every five minutes. So, he’s calling every five minutes now? What happened to solo act Stefan, who told Elena to go away? Stefan fake agrees to back off, but really we see that he is in the Gilbert kitchen, and has found the Abby Bennett research. Stealthy, girls. Way stealthy. I can see now why Bonnie turned to Elena for help.

Elsewhere, Klaus is on the phone with one of his hybrids. The hybrid is outside a house, and assures Klaus that he knows what he needs to do. He knocks on the door and Abby Bennett Wilson answers! Dun dun dun. What are the odds?

A short time later, Bonnie and Elena show up at the same house and ring the doorbell. As they wait on the porch, a guy walks up. Elena tells him that they’re looking for Abby Wilson, while Bonnie just kind of gawks. Oh, Bonnie, cute guys are your kryptonite. This show is a danger zone for you. Ruuuuuuun! He says that she looks familiar, and Bonnie reveals that Abby is her mom. The cute guy introduces himself as Jamie and invites the two girls in. He is hospitable, asking if they want anything to drink. Bonnie cuts to the chase: “So, are we like … related?” Ha! Oh, Bonnie. Jamie says that they’re not, and Elena gives her bestie a suggestive eyebrow raise. Really, Elena? Jamie explains that Abby used to date his dad, and then she took care of him. This makes Bonnie feel WONDERFUL of course. She was abandoned, so Abby could adopt a boy. Poor Bonnie. Then Abby comes in, asking whose car is outside. Bonnie: “I’m Bonnie. Your daughter.” Abby: “Hello, Bonnie.” Not the warmest of mother-daughter reunions.

Meanwhile, Tyler and Papa Forbes work on severing the sire bond down in the old Lockwood cellar, while Caroline looks on. Bill: “The brain’s like a muscle. The more you use it, the more it can do.” Also, he gets to the heart of Tyler’s connection to Klaus: “He freed you from your pain, so you feel indebted to him. To break the sire bond, you have to make yourself turn. Own your pain, and then you’ll owe Klaus nothing.” Well, it makes sense in theory, but as Klaus was the first hybrid ever, so hybrids have existed for like a month (?), how do we even know this will work?!?!? Caroline points out that it’s not a full moon, so Tyler can’t change. However, Bill says that Tyler’s a hybrid now. Geez, Bill sure knows a lot about hybrids. Anyone suspicious yet? Tyler balks a little at the prospect, not knowing where to start, but Bill gives him some motivation: “How badly do you want your freedom?” Tyler looks at Caroline and says, “Okay.” Caroline is worried, knowing what comes next. Then chained-up Tyler tries to change. His eyes turn yellow and bones start breaking.

Back at Abby’s house, Bonnie looks at picture of Jamie graduating. Elena asks how she’s holding up, and Bonnie tries to act like it isn’t getting to her. Abby enters with food, to break the ice. Elena tells her she has a beautiful home. Abby: “You’re so sweet. Just like your mom.” Elena is surprised to learn that she knew her mom. Abby: “Miranda was my best friend.” Bonnie: “So, you had a daughter and a best friend, and you still left?” Poor Bonnie. Abby: “My best friend is why I left. Fifteen years ago, a vampire came to town looking for you, Elena—looking for the doppelgänger. No one could manage to kill him, so I lured him out of town and cast a spell to desiccate him in a crypt in Charlotte.” Elena: “Mikael. He was an Original vampire.” Abby: “It took every ounce of power I had. Almost killed me. I recovered, but my magic didn’t. My powers never came back.” Bonnie: “And neither did you.” Ouch. Abby: “It wasn’t that simple.” Um, yeah, it kind of was. Bonnie: “It wasn’t? You cast a spell, put Mikael down, and what? Had to teach Jamie how to drive?” Elena tries to step in, but Bonnie has had it: “This was a mistake. She has no magic. She can’t help us.” Abby: “Bonnie, wait! Don’t go. Talk to me, please.” Elena says she’ll wait outside, wanting to give them some privacy. Or trying to make it easier on potential kidnappers this week. Whatever.

Let us discuss. Abby and, presumably, Miranda knew about Elena being the doppelgänger. Wow. This begs the question of whether the whole Council knew, or whether the Gilberts and Bennetts kept it a secret. Why didn’t anyone ever tell Elena? Warn Elena? Prepare Elena? Also, is the fact that Elena was the doppelgänger the reason why the Gilberts adopted Elena? Or did they only find out later? If the latter, that is quite the coincidence. This all leads me to think that Miranda and Grayson Gilbert’s deaths were NOT an accident. I mean, I always suspected that there was more going on, but now I really do. I hope that we’ll get some flashbacks to that time. Also, we learned that Abby was the one who entombed Mikael, as I (and others) had suspected. Check. The power it took to do so made her lose her magic. (Except, as we learn later, there’s more to that part.) If one Bennett witch all on her own could entomb an Original, Bonnie should definitely be able to entomb/ kill Klaus with a little help, right? Calling all witches! Stop helping vampires and please report to Mystic Falls immediately. Oh, and the confirmation that Abby is a Bennett witch means that Abby is Sheila’s daughter, right? There had been some confusion in the fandom as to whether Bonnie’s dad was Sheila’s son, given the last name thing, but this seems to confirm that Bennett witches just keep their names, regardless of marriage, and pass those names down to their kids. Do you think that Bonnie’s dad is a total muggle, or does he have some magical lineage too? Do you think we’ll ever meet him? Does he even exist? Moving on …

When Elena goes outside, it’s like a scene from a horror movie. And her ex-boyfriend shows up to amp up the creepy. Stefan: “Hi, Elena. Nice lake house.” How does giving Elena a hard time further your Klaus-killing agenda, Stefan? Also, since Elena is the ONE person who Klaus definitely doesn’t want to kill, shouldn’t she be the one out investigating anyway? This seems like something old Stefan would do. You are falling into Elena-obsession habits. I liked you better last week when you were psychotic.

Meanwhile, at the hospital, Damon introduces himself to Dr. Fell. Ha! Checking up on Alaric’s potential girlfriend. She recognizes him as Alaric’s friend from the Council meeting. Damon: “Sorry about your boyfriend. Animal attack. Brutal.” Meredith: “Ex-boyfriend. And thanks. I’m still kind of processing.” Damon: “I just thought I’d come by and tell you that it wasn’t an animal attack. And then I realized … you signed the death certificate.” She gestures for him to come into another room, to speak more privately.

Meredith: “Would you rather I said he was staked like a vampire?” Damon: “Wasn’t he the guy who coined the phrase ‘animal attack’?” Meredith: “Why do you even care?” Damon: “Because Ric likes you. And if you’re a psychopath, that would really suck for him.” Awww. I guess Damon figures that Alaric already has one dark-haired psychopath in his life. He doesn’t need two. Meredith is incensed: “You think I killed my ex-boyfriend?” Damon: “I think psychopaths are incredibly high maintenance.” And he knows from psychopath. Poor Alaric. It sucks when your psycho bestie is jealous of your (potentially) psycho girlfriend. Meredith: “If you care about your friend, go find out how Ric came into the ICU on his deathbed, and then walked out an hour later without a scratch.” Uh oh. Damon: “Fair enough.” He turns to go, but Meredith quickly vervains him and then jacks his blood, leaving him unconscious. Wow. If Meredith were ever to come across Nanny Carrie, Meredith would beat her with a shovel and bury her in the backyard. #TeamMeredith

Back in the Lockwood cellar, Tyler is busy transforming. He’s in major pain, all of his bones breaking. Finally, he says he can’t. Bill tells him to try harder. Caroline says that he needs to rest. Both guys tell Caroline to go, and she does. (Another unlikely plot development. But maybe her recent brush with death has made her … I don’t know. Ldjsfldksdlkf.) Bill picks up an axe and starts going after Tyler. Uh oh. Bill: “Your bond to Klaus is putting my daughter in danger. Either you turn, or I kill you right now.” Tyler transforms some more, and those chains look pretty wimpy. I think Bill Forbes is going to regret this.

Back at Abby’s home, Bonnie has had enough: “Please, just stop with the muffins and the compliments. I just want to know the truth. Why didn’t you come home?” Abby: “I had no magic, I was in a new city, and I realized I had the chance to be somebody else. To be Abby Wilson the woman, not Abby Bennett the witch. I’m not proud of what I did, Bonnie. I ran. I know I ran. But you had your dad and your grams. And okay, let’s face it, your grams is way better at this stuff than I am.” Bonnie realizes that Abby doesn’t know about Sheila’s death: “You don’t know.” Abby: “What? …. How?” Bonnie: “We were doing a rough spell and we both exhausted ourselves. Her more than me.” Bonnie tears up. Abby: “Well, she raised you right. I’m sure she would have been very proud of you. Well, now you know my whole story. How ‘bout you tell me yours. What brings you to me?” Bonnie: “It was a dream, actually. I thought you were supposed to help us. But if you don’t have any magic …” Abby: “Spells, no. But I’m not completely useless. The earth still provides herbs and such. There might be something I can do.” Bonnie: “I don’t think so.” Abby: “Bonnie, please. Let me help you.” Hmmm. I don’t trust her.

Cut to Elena and Stefan outside, arguing. Stefan: “This is exactly why I didn’t want you in the loop, Elena.” ??? Elena: “Yeah, because you can’t do whatever you want.” ???? I don’t even know what is happening right now. Thankfully, Jaime interrupts. Stefan acts all threatening, so Elena tries to get Jamie to leave. Stefan compels Jamie to leave. Buuuuuut theeeeennnnn … Jamie comes back. With a shotgun. He was compelled by that hybrid. Uh oh. He shoots Stefan full of wooden buckshot, in the chest, while Abby grabs Bonnie inside. Uh oh. Looks like Mama Bennett drugged her daughter. This mother-daughter reunion is not going well.

Meanwhile, far far far better things are happening at Alaric’s apartment, a.k.a. the Room of Requirement. This is my very favorite scene of the episode. So, Damon looks at something in a pot: “You’re good, for now.” Meanwhile, Alaric is lifting weights. Take another look, for science. You guys, Damon is helping Alaric COOK, while Alaric LIFTS WEIGHTS. I think this is the meaning of life or something. Oh, and also, Damon is pouring himself some bourbon IN A COFFEE MUG, and counseling Alaric on his LOVE LIFE. I just … I mean … it’s perfect. Ahem. Let’s get into the details. Alaric: “Still obsessed with Meredith? I mean, don’t you have an Original vampire to worry about?” Damon: “Nah ah ah! Do ten more of those. You’re gonna want to buff up if you start dating this one. Self defense and all.” Hee. Alaric: “What’s your problem?” Damon: “Your doctor vervained me. And then she blood-jacked me.” Alaric: “What? I mean, when did you even see her?” Damon: “When I went to the hospital to accuse her of killing her ex boyfriend. Which, by the way, very sensitive subject.” Ha! Alaric: “Damon, what the hell are you doing, huh?” Damon: “Why are you mad at me?” Alaric: “I told you I’d handle this.” Damon: “I proved your theory. Diagnosed psycho case. You’re welcome.” I love this show.

Back at Abby’s house, Jamie ties Elena to a post. Well, at least the girl went half an episode without being kidnapped or captured. Sigh. She begs for Jamie to let her go, but he’s on a compelled mission. She’s worried about Stefan, who is not looking so good, what with the splinters of wood filling his chest and all. From across the yard, Abby calls for Jamie’s help. Elena sees Bonnie being dragged out of the house, and calls for her friend, but there’s nothing she can do but watch as Abby and Jamie load unconscious Bonnie into a car.

Meanwhile, Tyler is busy changing into a werewolf. His chains are looking verrrrryyyy strained. OMFG Bill’s face! Funniest. Episode. Ever. Tyler tells Papa Forbes to leave, right before escaping his chains. Another shot of Bill’s face. Fun times!

Cut to Abby driving up to meet Klaus’s hybrid minion. Abby says that Bonnie didn’t tell her where the coffins are yet. Gasp! Abby’s in on it! Or is she compelled? We shall see. Soon, Bonnie comes to. Abby tells her daughter that she needs to tell her where the coffins are, because if she doesn’t, that hybrid compelled Jaime to kill himself. Ahhh. I see. He compelled Jaime and used his life as leverage to make Abby play ball. Bonnie refuses at first, but Abby perseveres: “All you need to do is tell me where they are. Then we’ll have held up our end of the bargain.” She follows this declaration up with a sneaky text: “Warn your friends.” Good job with the last minute save, Abby. But I’m betting this hybrid minion will NOT be getting a raise. Loose ends, hybrid minion! Tie ‘em up.

Meanwhile, Jaime reveals the details of his compulsion to Elena and Stefan. Elena: “What about me? What did he say about me?” Jaime: “I’m not supposed to hurt you.” Elena thinks fast: “Well, are you sure? Because these ropes are so tight that it is hurting me.” Jamie comes closer to check, and Elena knocks him out. Go Elena!!! That’s some ponytail action right there. Woot! Then she starts taking the pieces of the wood out of Stefan’s chest. BUMMER. You guys, how cool would it have been if Elena had just waltzed out of there? “See ya! Thanks again for kidnapping me, traumatizing me with memories of my parents’ deaths, and almost turning me into a vampire yesterday. Let’s NEVER do that again. Buh bye!” That would have been the best. (I mean, she could have called Damon to see to Stefan’s wounds. I’m not a monster.)

Meanwhile, Damon has to deal with the coffin drama. He goes to the Witch House, only to find Klaus. Well, Klaus and A LOT of candles. Awww, I think Klaus was expecting Stefan. Oops. Klaus: “What took you so long? Hiding behind your witchy friends, and in squalor no less.” Suddenly, Klaus is in throes of pain. Hee. Funniest. Episode. Ever. (What? I love when the bad guys get tortured. Sorry.) Damon: “Insulting a bunch of dead witches, not smart. I made the exact same mistake first time I came in here.” Hee. Good one, Damon. Unfortunately, Klaus has leverage. He holds the lives of Bonnie and Abby in his hands, so he wants to make a deal: “As we speak, my hybrid friend is prepared to end the Bennett line.” (He also threatens to kill all the other descendants of the 100 dead witches too.) The witch spirits stand down. And you guys, Damon’s face! You need to rewatch that scene to catch his hilarious annoyed/disappointed/but not really surprised expression. Hee. Klaus is back to business: “Now, please. Show me the coffins.” And the witch spirits do. The coffins are revealed … except there are only three. Klaus is angry: “Where’s the fourth? Show me!” Damon: “Well, here’s the thing. They can’t. It’s not here.” Ooooh. This is a really episode for Damon. Klaus: “What’d you do?” Damon: “Well, Bonnie gave me the head’s up. I mean I didn’t have time to get all four, but I did have time to get one.” Klaus makes threats of bodily harm. Hee. Angry Klaus is kind of funny. Damon: “Sorry, same rules apply. Leverage and all. I know you want your family back. Something tells me you want what’s in that coffin a looooot more.” Oooooh! What do we think is in that coffin? Theorize in the comments.

Cut to Alaric at the hospital. He’s there to see Meredith. Alaric: “You want to tell me what you’re up to?” Meredith: “You talked to Damon?” Alaric: “Yeah, I did.” Meredith: “He wasn’t supposed to wake up so soon. I used enough vervain to sedate him for hours.” Alaric: “Well, he drinks it. Every day. To build up an immunity, so people like you don’t get the jump on him.” Hee. Meredith: “I’m not crazy, Ric.” Alaric: “Really, then what are you?” Meredith: “You really wanna know? Stick around.” Then we see an injured man being wheeled in. Alaric: “Is that Bill Forbes?” Dun dun dun.

Meanwhile, Elena is still tending to Stefan’s wounds, as he writhes in pain. Finally, she gets the last piece. Stefan: “You’ve changed. There’s something different about you. You’re stronger. Tougher.” Please, be more patronizing Stefan. I dare you. Also, shut up. Elena: “You’re not the only one who changed, Stefan. We all had to.” Stefan: “That’s good to know.” Elena then chooses this moment to bring up the love triangle: “There’s something I have to tell you. And it’s not that I feel guilty that it happened, it’s that I feel guilty that you don’t know. I kissed Damon.” GROAN. Also, Elena has NOTHING to feel guilty about. Did she not watch the last few episodes? Stefan gets up silently and walks away. Sad music plays. Snore.

Back at the hospital, Meredith explains the Bill Forbes sitch to Alaric: “He was found in the woods. An actual animal attack.” Ha! Then Mere pulls out vampire blood. She tells Alaric: “You want to know my secret? I cheat. I’m a doctor and I hate when people die. So when I have the ability to do something about it, I do.” So, Meredith bloodjacks vampires on the regular. Seems like this must be what Brian and Meredith were arguing about at the bridge fundraiser. What do you guys think of this subplot? I mean, I guess it’s good to address the whole vampire-blood-heals thing, but I don’t know. I just don’t want it to veer into True Blood territory, with V dealers and stuff. We’ll see.

Cut to Elena and Stefan. Elena followed him, asking him to say something. Stefan: “I shouldn’t have kidnapped you. The car, the bridge … it was too far.” Elena: “Thank you.” Stefan: “But you shouldn’t have lied to me today. You can’t go off and do things like that, Elena. Not while Klaus is still alive.” WHY?!?! Remember, she’s the one person Klaus doesn’t want to kill. Elena: “I know. I just … I wanted to give Bonnie a moment with her mother, without everything else getting in the way.” Ooooh, that is a little too close to an apology for my tastes. Don’t you DARE, Elena. Stefan: “Without me getting in the way.” Elena: “I didn’t plan on kissing him.” Stefan: “You’re better than him, Elena. You’re better than both of us.” He gets in his car and drives away. Hmmm. While I found all this Elena-Stefan stuff SUPER annoying, I did think it was sort of “interesting” that Stefan’s reaction was like, “You’re too good for Damon.” Especially since he’s been basically PUSHING them together all year. Be careful what you wish for, dumb ass. I don’t even feel like one morsel of compassion for Stefan in this scenario. 1) When you intentionally destroy your relationship, you get a destroyed relationship. Duh. 2) HOW DID HE NOT SEE THIS DAMON-ELENA KISS COMING? LIKE, FROM THE PILOT? Teenage vampires can be sooooo blind. Moving on.

Meanwhile, Bonnie and her mom have a heart-to-heart on the side of the road. Bonnie tells her mom that Elena is on her way and Jamie is safe. Bonnie is on the bitter bus: “You were willing to do all this for him, and he’s not even your family.” Abby: “He is my family, Bonnie. I know that might be hard for you to hear, but he is. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. I want to help you.” Bonnie: “You can’t. You have no magic and I don’t trust you.” Yeah, but maybe she has information. We have not learned nearly enough about the past. Abby: “When I put Mikael down, my magic didn’t just leave me. It drifted away. The longer I stayed away from you, the weaker it got. I think nature was punishing me for abandoning you. What if you could help me get my magic back?” Bonnie: “I thought you said you didn’t want it anymore.” Abby: “I don’t. But if it’s what you wanted, I would do that for you.” Hmph. Now I’m worried that Abby is going to use Bonnie to get her magic back, and then abandon her all over again. Poor Bonnie.

At the hospital, Tyler goes to see Bill. He sees that his recent chew toy is better. Bill: “Yeah. I shouldn’t be, but I didn’t have any say in the matter.” Shut up, Bill. Tyler apologizes, but Bill says that he knew the risks. He asks how Tyler feels, post-transformation. Tyler: “Different. A little more myself.” Bill: “Then we’ll continue tomorrow.” Hahahahaha! Poor Tyler. Tyler: “What are you talking about? I turned.” Bill: “Once. To break the sire bond, turning needs to be painless. And from what I saw today, you’re still a long way off.” Tyler: “I can’t put myself through that again.” Bill: “You will. Because until you’re capable of acting on your own free will, I’m not letting you anywhere near my daughter.” You guys, if Tyler cowboys up and goes through the transformation over and over and over again, it will totally ruin my Anakin Skywalker theory! No fair, Writers!

Cut to Alaric and Meredith arriving at the Gilbert home. Alaric: “You told me your secret, this is mine.” With that, he shows her his weapon bag. Must be love. Meredith: “You’re a vampire hunter?” Alaric: “Semi-retired.” Yeah, these days he’s more a drink-with-vampires hunter. But I have hope! Meredith jokes, “You’re trying to get out of taking me to dinner, aren’t you?” Alaric explains that he wants to be honest. No secrets. She wonders how he survived getting hit by a truck, asking if it was vampire blood. Alaric nods and holds up his hand: “And this ring.” Meredith: “A vampire hunter who can’t be killed by vampires. Convenient.” She starts to pull off the ring, but he resists. Meredith?!?! There will be no removing of the ring! Hmph. Meredith: “Are you worried I’m a supernatural being?” Alaric: “One can never be too careful.” The chemistry is flying at this point, and the two kiss. It’s hot. I mean, Meredith might be evil, but it’s hot. Unfortunately, before the Chunky Monkey, Elena interrupts. Awkward. Meredith says she’s gonna go, and books it. Alaric apologizes and is soooo embarrassed. It’s pretty adorable how embarrassed he is. Elena says it’s okay. Alaric feels sooooo bad. So cute. Swoon. Elena: “The minute you slept on that couch, it became your place too. We needed you and … you stayed. So thank you for that. Hey, look, I know it’s hard. But Jenna’s gone. And you’re allowed to move on.” Awww. I got a little teary eyed the second time I watched that scene. Family.

Cut to a very different family scene over at Casa Salvatore. Stefan goes home to see Damon by a roaring fire. Ooooh, good. It’s always nice to have a fire in the background when there are fisticuffs. Damon fills his brother in on the coffin situation and how Bonnie’s mom has no magic. Stefan: “Yeah, doesn’t surprise me. It’s been that kind of night.” Damon asks if Elena’s okay. Saying the E-word pushes Stefan’s last button, and he turns and punches him. Ha! And expected. Damon takes it in stride: “I take it you two had a heart-to-heart. And I take it you don’t want to talk about it. Noted. So why don’t we talk about this?” He holds up an Original killing dagger. Stefan: “What did you do?” At this point, by inner monologue was like, “OMFG, DID DAMON DO WHAT I THINK HE DID? HE BETTER HAVE DONE WHAT I THINK HE DID. IF HE DID, ALL THE HEARTS TO DAMON. CONFETTI FOR DAMON. A PARADE FOR DAMON!!!!”

We cut to Klaus’s house, where he discusses things with his hybrid minion. Klaus gets ready to exit the room, citing unfinished business. But then, the hybrid minion freezes in horror, as someone snatches his heart from behind. Elijah casually says, “So, Niklaus, what’d I miss?” Eliiiiiiiiiiiiijaaaaaahhhh! All the hearts. All the stars. All the fandom clutching their pearls in unison. BOOM.

And look what we get next week, courtesy of an officially released episode still. New hair cut! Violence against Salvatores! Cannot wait. In the meantime, let’s discuss in the comments below.