RINGER: “It’s Gonna Kill Me, But I’ll Do It”

Read on for my hairtastic recap of Ringer episode 1×04, “It’s Gonna Kill Me, But I’ll Do It, ” aired Tuesday, October 4th, 2011:

First of all, I would like to note that Ringer has been picked up for a full season. Phew! This means that we have so much amazing hair and weird confusing soapy goodness ahead of us. I just watched episode six last week, and it makes ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE, so you can imagine my excitement to catch up with the recaps. Also, please take a look at this promo shot that was released for the show:

We should all really take a moment of silence, in solidarity with Sarah Michelle Gellar. She has the hardest job on television. If only she had the chance to work with good looking men. No one suffers like she suffers. Thank goodness that she is able to power through her horrific working conditions, and find the strength to carry on. We’re pulling for you, Sarah! There are brighter days ahead.

Now, let’s get into the recap for episode four. There were twelve looks in this episode. Twelve! In episode three, there were only seven, so this was very exciting. I mean, not PONYTAIL or HAT level exciting, but exciting nonetheless. Plus, the twins had two scenes together. Two! Of course, they were both flashbacks, but still. It was a birthday episode, so I guess that made it extra special.

 

 Look 1: A loose chignon with a white crocheted top. Here you can see the look with jacket, and without. This look says, “I even dress like my dead sister in my dreams. Also, I am punishing myself with applique flowers. I deserve it.” The show tried to psych us out–to make us believe that Andrew had found out the truth about Bridget masquerading as his wife. He accuses her of getting rid of Siobhan: “You let her drown! [..] You’ve lied to us all!” Bridget: “I never meant to hurt any of you.” Andrew: “Don’t apologize to me. Apologize to her!” Then this happened:

 

Look 2: Ghost Siobhan! AMAAAAAAZING. I just don’t know what there is to add to these pictures, really. They speak for themselves. 

 

Look 3: Bridget post-nightmare, in a nightgown and perfect hair. Psych! It was all just a dream. Andrew is still completely clueless, and in love with his fake wife. This look really says, “I would feel worse about masquerading as my dead twin sister if you weren’t so dreamy. Yes, I want to have your babies.” A guilty Bridget says that maybe she should get out of the city, go to the Hamptons. He reminds her that it’s her birthday this weekend. Oops. They both want a fresh start, so he suggests that they go together. Given the choice to go to the beach with Ioan Gruffudd or without Ioan Gruffudd, what would you choose? That’s what I thought. A car service will drive her up this afternoon, and he’ll meet her there. Also, Bridget acts like the kind of unpretentious person who would take jitney, and Andrew has to remind her that she is supposed to be acting horrible: “Really, Shiv? Whatever’s next? A newfound appreciation of the subway?” Hahahaha! Siobhan is the worst.

 

Look 4: Bridget sports a long olive green one-shouldered dress with her hair some up some down (you know, her ho-hum-just-cleanin-up-bodies do). There is also a horrible bulky sweater that she pairs with this look, but I don’t want to spoil the surprise. Bridget did a little too many drugs in the 80s and 90s, so she has the car service take her to the train service on her way to the Hamptons. This look really say, “I am super stealthy. Please excuse me while I go into a place with video surveillance to get my belongings, tying myself with a location that I’m supposed to know nothing about. Surely I will not incur any suspicion.” Yeah. Machado is watching. Duh. But … uh, nice try, Bridge?

Eventually, Bridget arrives in East Hampton, New York. Then Andrew shows up and they head out to the beach … but not before pulling her hair back.

This look really says, “I am wearing a bulky sweater to cover up my fake pregnancy. Also, I have no idea why my fake husband feels so guilty, but I’m going to milk it for what it’s worth. Oh, last year he left my dead sister on her birthday, to go to the office? This will DEFINITELY work in my favor.”

When Bridget and her fake husband go back inside, they hear someone inside the house. Andrew grabs a fire poker … but it’s just Gemma and Henry. Hey, don’t be so quick to put away that fire poker, Andrew. Ugh, the Butlers. They’ve been fighting, OF COURSE. Henry claims that she threw a vase at him, but it could really go either way. Gemma makes a comment about this Siobhan birthday weekend getaway being like old times. In the words of Agent Machado, “It takes a brave woman to share a house with her husband and her lover.”

Here is a better look at the hair and dress neckline. Luckily, this dress is perfect for going to lunch with your fake BFF and giving her HORRIBLE relationship advice. The leather buckle screams, “I am not cheating on my husband with your husband. You can trust me.” But seriously, Bridget says, “If you love him, you have to fight for him.” Ugh. Henry clearly does not love his wife. He cares nothing at all for her or her feelings. Why would Bridget push Gemma towards such a HORRIBLE marriage? So selfish. I mean, I get that the couple has invisible children, but a compassionate human being wouldn’t push her fake bestie towards a sociopath. Gemma disagrees: “You’re an amazing friend. Like a sister.” Well, her only basis of comparison is Siobhan, so I guess this makes sense.

Unfortunately for Bridget, Gemma is approached by Agent Machado. He tells her about Bridget Kelly, Siobhan’s twin sister. Luckily, the buckle dress is a great look for explaining away one’s twin sister, because once Gemma talks to Bridget, she is quickly sympathetic.

Later that night, Bridget and her bulky sweater must also confront the loathsome sociopath Henry, who once again reveals that he wants Siobhan, and feels no remorse for the pain this would bring to his wife or his BFF Andrew. No remorse, I tell you! It’s not the cheating that bothers me, but the lack of any type of guilt at all. It’s like a frickin’ horror movie. Not even a bit of nervousness? Concern for the fallout? Just … not normal human behavior. He tells her, “This is how we celebrate. This is our place.” Ewww. Bridget: “With them sleeping upstairs?” Henry: “What is wrong with you? It’s like you’ve forgotten the last year existed. Don’t you remember how happy we used to be?” Cue flashback! (See below.) Bridget: “I haven’t forgotten. I’m ashamed. And you know what, you should be too. I don’t want to hurt Andrew or Gemma.” Henry: “You don’t give a crap about Gemma or Andrew.” Bridget: “Maybe I didn’t, but I do now.” Henry: “What about me? We were in love, Siobhan. We had plans. Somehow overnight that all changed for you. Where does that leave me?” Bridget: “I’m sorry. I really am.” Henry: “I don’t want sorry. I want you.” He looks at her like he doesn’t know her. Which also make me think that Henry is an idiot, in addition to being a HORRIBLE person. I mean, Ethan Whitehorse figured out that Emma wasn’t Sutton after just one kiss. If Henry and Siobhan had such an amazing love connection, why doesn’t he suspect anything? Why hasn’t he explored alien robot theories? Or, more realistically, why hasn’t he done any internet research? Bridget’s face is all over, one would assume. It’s not like them being twins is a secret from THE WORLD. Just Siobhan’s friends. Sigh.  Then this happens:

The Bulky Sweater of Sadness. Bridge throws the contents of her train station bag into a fire on the beach, but keeps the letter. Because no one will notice A FIRE. I just … can’t.

 

Looks 5 and 6: Flashback! Little Siobhan and Bridget. These looks really say, “Ooooh, shiny!” You can tell which is which, since Siobhan is still rocking the side braid decades later. Also, Siobhan clearly had better conditioning habits. The twins’ mom gave them $20 for their birthday, and they admire a pair of necklaces. Siobhan (obviously) says, “I hate being poor. When I get older, I want to have everything I want.” Her issues are deep-seated, people. The girls decide to buy one necklace and trade it back ad forth every year. Aw.

 

Looks 7 and Look 8: Flashback. Six years ago. Lake Tahoe, Nevada. Bridget knocks on Siobhan’s door with a red velvet cupcake. It’s their birthday. But it’s not a happy one. Just look at Siobhan’s outfit. And Bridget’s eye makeup. Depressing. Siobhan’s look says, “You can’t tell it from my hair and drab shapeless clothing, but a guy who looks exactly like Ioan Gruffudd is in love me. I should be blissful, but I’m not capable of happiness unless I’m cheating on my husband with a sociopath. Or unless I’m plotting to steal from my future husband’s company. Also, you can have this stupid necklace back because now I’m rich.” Bridget’s looks says, “I put on too much eyeliner. You can tell I’m the easy going poor twin because I’m wearing a peasant blouse. Also, don’t you wish jean jackets were still in style? 2005 was great. I’m sad that my sister doesn’t like me. But good thing I got the necklace back, since I’m only wearing THREE right now. I was really lacking necklaces, so this is a turning point for me, accessory wise.” 

 

Look 9: Siobhan in Paris, at the hotel bar. She is wearing a low-cut chocolate jumpsuit and another up-do-with-side-braid. This looks says, “Not only am I a fan of The Hills, but I love JLo. I mean, I don’t wear prints, obviously, but I do my best to rock daring necklines and oversized bling. Also, I would not be out of place on Dynasty. I love a little soapy intrigue with breakfast.” Tyler (oh he of Shizzitini fame) enters. She waves, but he ices her out and sits with a brunette woman. As if! She pulls him aside and apologizes for the other night. “Tyler, I like you. A lot. We had a connection.” Tyler: “Is that how you connect with people? Shove them out of your hotel room without a second thought?” Someone is sensitive. Geez.

Siobhan takes the time to forget she’s pregnant, and then engages in another cryptic phone-call, telling her mystery partner that she hit a snag. Luckily, her jumpsuit is the perfect look for tricking a cute guy into helping her dodge the hotel manager. Oh Mr. Shizzitini, you poor sucker.

Siobhan and her prey head to a café, where Tyler has a glass of wine, and Siobhan remembers that she is pregnant. Good job, Siobhan! She pulls from the romanticism of her side-braid to spin a tale of a girl who dreamed of going to Paris, escaped her husband (poor treatment and theft implied), and is now sad and alone on her birthday. She leaves out the part about faking her death, planning to kill her sister, plotting against her husband, and being pregnant with her lover’s child. Details, details. He declares that he will take her out to celebrate. But I think we all know that Siobhan is the one taking him for a ride.

 

Look 10: Flashback! One year ago. East Hamptons, New York. Siobhan and Henry are naked fireside, lying on the couch together. This look says, “It’s my birthday and I’ll cheat on my husband if I want to. Also, I will pretend that I like Henry’s book if I want to. What’s it called again? The City Burns? Or just City Burns? Um, I’m sure that it’s brilliant. Oh, what’s this? A present? The necklace I threw at my twin’s feet five years ago. I guess I feel a little bad. OR this is an opportunity for me to plot her death. You decide.”

 

Look 11: Bridget’s birthday outfit. A loose chignon like in her nightmare, but this time with a jaunty headband. Also, another dark colored low-cut jumpsuit. Must be twintuition! The twins are practically wearing the same outfit on their birthday. This looks says, “Wow, I remember when I was poor and now I get a catered dinner and a personal chef and a table full of presents. But is any of this really worth it if my evil twin isn’t here to share it with me? I guess I’ll just talk to my reflection again. I’m very subtle.”

Unfortunately, this look is so Siobhan, it encourages Henry to try AGAIN. He does have the grace to apologize for his drunk and angry behavior last night, but he also wants to take this opportunity to whine about how she used to love him. “I lived for that look. Tonight, with Andrew, you were looking at him that way.” Yeah, looking at her (fake) husband with love. Can you imagine? He agrees to let her go, but not before bringing up her pregnancy. Bridget tries to placate him. Little do they know, however, GEMMA IS LISTENING BEHIND THE DOOR. Looks like she finally has the answer to the question she’s been asking over and over again for four episodes: Henry is cheating on her. With her best friend.

The two couples head outside for the birthday dinner, but Gemma can’t take the facade. She runs off without explanation, and Bridget follows. Luckily for Bridget, her jumpsuit is the perfect choice for running into the FBI Agent who’s been investigating. And for coming up with a lame excuse when he reveals that he knows about the distress call she made from the boat. Uh oh.  She walks out, but Machado has the foresight to look though her cell phone history, revealing that she has been calling Malcolm Ward, Bridget’s sponsor. Dun dun dun. Good thing for Bridget that headbands are great support when you’re caught in a lie. Then this happens:

SLAP! “That’s for sleeping with my husband, you whore.” A decorative headband can’t save you from everything. Let that be a lesson to you all. Bridget has pulled this whole switcheroo out of desperation–to save her life, supposedly. But the faintest besmirchment of her honor, and threat to her cozy marriage to Andrew, and she spills the beans. “I’m not who you think I am. I’m not Siobhan. I’m Bridget.” Someone is getting a little too invested in her fake life, methinks. However, I wouldn’t want to be mistaken for Siobhan either, so I get Bridget’s dilemma. It’s hard to pretend to be your twin when your twin is diabolical. And speaking of diabolical …

 

Look 12: Look what Siobhan is up to in Paris. That girl. She wakes up to breakfast in bed, served by Tyler. This look says, “You can tell that I’m the bad twin because my nightgown is black, and I have a side part. Also, by my self-satisfied smirk. I am really good at French lessons. And yeah, I just got this guy who I met a couple days ago agree to take care of my hotel bill, putting it on the company dime. And oh yeah, his company is my husband’s company. This is not a coincidence. Please excuse me while I rifle through his files and make another cryptic phone call. The plan is back on.” Oh, Siobhan, you are delightfully sneaky.

 

Photo Credit: Where not otherwise indicated, screen captures are courtesy of the fabulous Glamorous-SMG.com. You can access the episode 4 gallery here.