RINGER: “If You Ever Want A French Lesson …”

Read on for my hair-tastic recap of Ringer 1×03, “If You Ever Want a French Lesson,” aired Thursday, September 27^th, 2011:

Photo Credit: Glamorous-SMG.com

 Look 1: Bridget lounges on the couch in black satin pajamas. Also, there’s an orchid. This look says, “Yes, this is how I look when I wake up. Why do you ask? Do you think this is the best light for me? Or should I turn my head slightly? Also, I wonder where my hot fake husband is. I hope he noticed how fabulous my hair looks in the a.m.” Um, it doesn’t exactly suck to be Bridget right now. Okay, okay … yeah, she is running from at least two different death threats, but that apartment is lovely. And it’s not like Siobhan has a job.

Bridget’s morning consists of small talk with Andrew. Hilariously, when she offers to make him coffee, he is once again shocked that she’s not evil. Later, she calls Malcom, her sponsor. When he questions her decision making, due to his sanity, she rejoins: “Trust me, it is safer as Siobhan. Well, if I can figure out who’s trying to kill her.” Riiiiight.

But you know what else satin PJs and flawless hair are good for? That dramatic moment when you find the same photo of your “dead” sister that her failed assassin had in his pocket … in your fake husband’s possession. Uh oh. If he and Siobhan had that photo framed in their penthouse, THEN ANDREW MUST BE THE KILLER! You guys, I think Bridget has been watching too much Pretty Little Liars. She is channeling Aria Montgomery big time.

Photo Credit: Scott Alan Humbert/The CW.

 Look 2: Bridget sports her “I just killed a man” hairdo, so you know that she means business. Today is definitely the day to deal with that whole “I killed someone and then the body disappeared” thing. She also dons a gorgeous black wrap dress with just the right accessories. Definitely my favorite look of the night. Which is good since she basically wears it for the rest of the episode, until her dramatic final look. (Perhaps SMG got tired off all the hair and costume changes? Sad panda.) Anyway, this look is great for running errands in the city. For example, heading to an electronic store to get the deets on the mysterious cell phone that you found on a corpse. Don’t you hate when that happens? It’s also a great look for for sweet-talking the geeky cell-phone store employee … except not, because he couldn’t help her. Good try, Bridget.

Later, Bridget heads to a location scribbled on a business card–I don’t really know why, but whatever. More importantly, we get to see the outfit in all its glory here. There are BOOTS! Unfortunately, the address where Bridget is heading happens to be located in a dark alley. Since at least two different people are trying to kill her two different identities, she is understandable shaken when a mysterious stranger and a car block her in. Uh oh.

Photo Credit: Glamorous-SMG.com

 Bazinga! NBD. Bridget is quickly rescued by Gemma, who shows her inside to … a private fashion show arranged in her honor. Andrew arranged for Douglas Hannant’s Fall Collection to be at Siobhan’s disposal. This look says, “Yeah, a couple people are trying to kill me, I’m pretending to be pregnant, falling in love with my fake husband who maaaaay have tried to kill my dead sister, lying to everyone about my identity, but … TIME TO TRY ON CLOTHES! Also, doesn’t my hair look great from the back?” Gemma further reveals that Andrew has plans to take her to Swan Lake. Bridget is suspicious, given the photo that she found.

Then later, when Bridget is on the street, the mysterious Corpse Phone rings. Dun dun dun. the caller tells her that she dropped her scarf. HE IS WATCHING HER! He says she has something of his, and she better give it to him since he knows about how she killed what’s-his-name. Bummer. Good thing that her outfit and hair are so perfect for deliberating one’s next move when being threatened. A tight bun would have just added pressure, while leaving the hair totally loose would have just been distracting. Anyway, Bridget consults her hair, and decides NOT to do what the mysterious caller demands, and keeps hold of the phone.

After failing to trace the call, Bridget learns that Siobhan had a divorce attorney’s card in her possession. Iiiiiinteresting. However, I’m not really seeing this as a damnation of Andrew, given that Siobhan had terrible taste in men. I mean, Henry? Seriously? He is the worst. En route to meet with the lawyer, Bridget runs into an acquaintance of Siobhan’s. Like everyone else, she is shocked when “Siobhan” is not completely horrible. Bridget invites her to lunch, and I swear that the lady was about to suffer heart failure.

Unfortunately for Bridget, her outfit does not bring her luck at the lawyer’s office. Turns out that Siobhan had come to him months earlier, wanting to alter the pre-nup. She wonders how bad the fighting got. Lawyer: “I got the impression that you were scared of your husband.” Iiiiinteresting. Still, I’m not so sure that Siobhan is a reliable narrator. Let us remember that she is crazy.

Exhibit B for Siobhan's craziness. (Exhibit A was Siobhan drugging her sister and then faking her death by jumping off a boat.) I mean, this is the sight that greeted the woman EVERY TIME THAT SHE ENTERED HER APARTMENT. (She does look lovely though.) Photo Credit: Glamorous-SMG.com

 Anyway, the lawyer also fills Bridget in on the fact that Siobhan suspected that Andrew was hiding the value of some property. Hmmm. When she goes home and looks through the files, she finds a record for the place. But her snooping is interrupted when Andrew comes in all upset. He heard that she went to go see a divorce attorney. Busted! He assures her that the property is worthless, wonders why she can’t  trust him, and then backs out of the ballet. Well … that did not go well. Perhaps he didn’t have a chance to notice her perfect hair?

Photo Credit: Glamorous-SMG.com

 Luckily, Bridget makes the best use of her outfit soon. When she goes to visit Andrew’s mysterious property, she is followed by the voice on the phone. Turns out that he is the same mystery man who strolled through her party last night. Bridget pulls out her gun. This look really says, “I killed someone yesterday, so DO NOT MOVE. I will pull this trigger again. Also, I’m not wearing white today, THANK GOODNESS, so I won’t have to worry as much about blood splatter.”

But that’s not all. Bridget manages to run away and escape in a taxi, and then uses Agent Machado in a brilliant scheme to get leverage. She smirks, “Looks like I just bought myself some insurance.” Brilliant. Sidenote: we learn from Agent Machado that it was $50,000 that Bridget stole from Siobhan yesterday. Ouch.

Later, Bridget heads over to Gemma’s where she unloads the Swan Lake tickets and learns that the incriminating photo was actually the Martins’ Christmas card. Oops! “Got a secret, can you keep it …” I mean, right?

Photo Credit: Glamorous-SMG.com

Look 3: Siobhan at a Paris bar rocking a very Lauren Conrad-esque side braid. This look says, “My name is Siobhan Martin and I over-accessorize.” I guess Bridget isn’t the only addict in the family. Oh, Siobhan. You have a bling problem. This look also says, “Watch out, hot international banker. I’m coming for you. I’d almost feel sorry for you, if it wasn’t so easy. I mean, you don’t even speak French. You are at my mercy in this country. Also, I am sitting at a bar all day because I don’t know I’m pregnant yet.”

So … that awkward moment when that cute guy you’re eyeing orders a Shizzitini. But he’s cute. But he ordered a Shizzitini. What to do? Of course, Siobhan had an affair with Henry and hated her hot husband, so she flirts with Mr. Shizzitini. Mr. Shizzitini is actually Tyler Barrett, and like I mentioned, he works in international banking. Coincidence? I think not. Shiv is totally on the prowl, and with a purpose, playing dumb about finance when she’s married to a money guy (I know nothing about money, other than how to wast it on DVDs, so I don’t know the technical term). Shiv also pretends to be a “hide my money under a mattress” kind of girl, when she is in actuality a “secret bank account” kind of girl. Also a tip off: she says that her name is Cora Farrell. After helping him order a drink, she writes her hotel room number on his hand and “offers him French lessons.” Then this happens:

Photo Credit: Glamorous-SMG.com

Look 4: Sioban makes out with Mr. Shizzitini in her hotel room.  Hey, I don’t think that looked like “French lessons”! Unfortunately for Mr. Shizzitini, “Cora” starts to feel nauseous and throws him out. She runs into the bathroom to puke, and then sits on the bed, upset. I’m guessing that the time change is messing up her internal clock, and that was morning sickness. She calls Henry, but doesn’t say anything, as we slowly reveal that she is holding up a positive pregnancy test. She cries. This look really says, “No, I didn’t determine whether I was pregnant before faking my death. Also, I have been boozing and smoking it up, even though I knew that pregnancy was a possibility. I am horrible. And yet, you still feel sorry for me. That is the power of SMG. Deal with it. Also, I hope that I don’t start showing before whatever long con I’m working is finished. Do you like my side braid? I am a big fan of The Hills.”

Photo Credit: Michael Desmond/The CW.

Look 5: Bridget in THE DRESS. Life lesson: If you want to say, “I’m sorry for thinking you tried to kill your wife, and almost killed me instead,” dress up in couture and make an emotional speech. I’m torn between thinking that the Bridget-Andrew relationship is sweet, and thinking that it is bat-shit insane and disturbing. I blame SMG. Plus this whole identical twin thing makes it complicated. I mean, who wasn’t moved by this line? “And what you did for me today … it wasn’t that it wasn’t good enough. It was the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for me.” Sniffle. They  admire the view together. They agree to trust each other. Bridget fails to mention the fact that Andrew’s actual wife is “dead,” or that she is actually Siobhan’s twin sister. So much for trust.

This look says, “Isn’t my fake husband dreamy? I can’t believe that my dead sister cheated on him with that tall sociopath. Especially since I just figured out that he’s (probably) not my would-be killer. He likes me. He really likes me. I feel like a princess.” I imagine that the following is going though Andrew’s head: “My wife has clearly been replaced by an alien clone. What does she want from me? To use me to destroy Earth? To kill me and eat my bones? Either way, she is soooooo much better than my actual wife. I will just continue to play along. Do you think that she is pregnant with an alien baby?”

Photo Credit: Michael Desmond/The CW.

The winner: So … last week, Siobhan clearly won the episode, what with her fabulous hat and old Hollywood glam. But this week, Bridget definitely took the cake. The wrap dress followed by the evening gown? Love! Plus, she didn’t puke or make out with a Shizzitini drinker, which worked in her favor.

Non-SMG-hair-related Plot Points:

• Henry wants to take his money out of Andrew’s bank (or investment firm?). He is doing this all behind Gemma’s back of course, because cheating on her is just not enough. Plus, it’s probably all her money, since we also learn that Gemma has a super rich father. Plus, she is the only member of that family gainfully employed at the moment. Henry is THE WORST. Anyway, crazy chick from Dexter engineers it so that Gemma finds out about Henry’s shenanigans. Henry is annoyed and has the gall to act righteously angered and attempt to make Andrew feel guilty. Oh, I’m sorry that the husband of the woman you’ve been sleeping with for months (years?) doesn’t want to help you steal from your wife. Poor you! The world is so unjust. Also, please grow a soul. You have yet to show even the tiniest bit of remorse for anything that you have ever done, so I think that you are only a couple wrong moves from becoming a serial killer. Ugh. Henry is THE WORST.

• Poor Malcom! Bridget’s NA sponsor, and maybe love interest, gets kidnapped by Badoway Macawi (craziest villain name EVER!). He’s looking for Bridget, and won’t take “I don’t know where she is” as an answer. The worst part? Macawi has his guys drug Malcom. 5 years of sobriety down the drain. Quick poll: Is it worse to be friends with Siobhan or Bridget? I think that there are strong arguments for either side.