RINGER Pilot: Dear Sister

Read on for my recap & review of the Ringer pilot, aired Tuesday, September 13th, 2011 on The CW:

On Tuesday, the day we have been waiting for finally arrived: Sarah Michelle Gellar returned to our television sets! There was a lot of super-enthusiastic anticipation for Ringer, especially amongst Buffy fans (me me me!), which then turned into a bit of a backlash as a number of early reviews were critical of the new twin-themed thriller. I read a lot of well-argued criticism that the pilot was oddly edited and too packed with plot, in addition to some far less well-argued critiques. People whose opinions I trust disliked the pilot, while others praised it. Many just judged it mediocre, and expressed hope that it would improve. Then Tuesday night, I read a stream of mostly snarky tweets during the hours before the premiere (stupid west coast time zone!). I also read a handful of intense fangasms of excitement. (I was not alone!) It seems to be an internet rule that anything earning fangasm status will also receive equally vehement contempt, and I’ve certainly found myself on both ends of the spectrum, depending on the subject, so this did not surprise me. Having made it through The Great Dollhouse Backlash of 2009, nothing really surprises me anymore (plus, we all know that I’m used to having unpopular opinions). I honestly loved the Dollhouse pilot, but I remember a number of Whedon fans reacting to it like it was worse than the cancellation of Firefly. This is life. We do not all agree. This is not a complaint by any means, but merely an observation. I mean, if the internet was full of all the same opinions, it would be really boring. So I just decided to persevere in my wildly excited and optimistic attitude, counting down the minutes to the premiere. And you guys, I was NOT disappointed. I mean, Ringer didn’t blow my mind, but I really enjoyed it. (I had even more fun writing about it, as you shall see.) Pilots are rarely great, and I can probably count on my fingers the shows that hit it out of the park right from the beginning (Lost, Alias, and Friday Night Lights, I’m looking at you!), so I tend to be far more forgiving and open-minded at the beginning of the television season. Kind of like grading the first assignment of the quarter. Most importantly, I think the pilot absolutely did its job, because I want to watch more. And that’s the point, right? Seriously, I want it to be next Tuesday already. Get on that, Time.

I liked the plot-twisty film noir-esque aspects of the show. The mystery seemed to have a bit of that old Hollywood B-movie tone. My biggest complaint about the Ringer pilot was its predictability (a big problem for plot-twisty film noir-esque thriller type shows), but I think that this was largely due to the marketing. Really, it was mostly my own fault for inhaling every clip and preview and interview about the show. I wanted to know, so I ended up finding out all the twists. Just further proof that sometimes we want things that are bad for us. Ringer preview clips … just like cake! That sugar buzz may feel good, but inevitably it leads to a crash. Or something. Alas … alack. Too bad the network couldn’t have kept certain elements closer to the vest, but ultimately this is just the set-up for a whole season, so the spoilers don’t really matter. What really matters is yet to come. (And that what’s yet to come includes Jason Dohring. Ahem. Along with more of Ioan Gruffudd’s accent. And SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR’S MANY HAIRSTYLES! Seriously, her hair is the star of the show.) So, let’s get into the details. On to the recap …  

We open on gargoyle-type statues on the top of a New York City building, as the camera pans across a cityscape. The camera then transitions from the darkness of night into Sarah Michelle Gellar’s eye. Wait, what does that even mean? WHAT DOES IT MEAN? Shhhh, we don’t care about that right now, because SMG is hiding behind a pillar. There is a guy dressed all in black, wearing a ski-mask, and carrying a crow bar, so this can’t be good. We will assume that he is not an invited guest. As SMG hides and looks terrified, she accidentally pushes the button on a CD player (OMG, those still exist!) and Patsy Cline’s “I Fall to Pieces” starts to play. I absolutely love Patsy Cline, so I will take this as a good omen. Unfortunately, the music alerts the bad guy to SMG’s location, so she makes a run for it. He catches up and tackles her, as she struggles. She shouts out, “You have the wrong girl!” Cut to the Ringer title sequence, which is a little more involved than a title card, but is certainly not a full credit sequence. Meh. Pick a side in the Title Card vs. Credit Sequence battle, Ringer!

Then the screen reads, “Nine days earlier. Rock Springs, Wyoming.” Hmmm. First pilot ever set in Wyoming? Let me know, guys. SMG is now dressed far more casually, and has her hair down. (Important information.) She tells the room, “My name Bridget and I’m an addict. I’ve been sober for six months, which is longer than some of the relationships I’ve had.” Ah, so she is at an AA meeting … or probably an NA meeting given what happens later. We’ll go with NA for the time being. She tells the group that she finally got a response from her sister, Siobhan, who invited her to come visit, but she’s not sure if she’s ready. She explains, “I’m okay, but I’m not that okay. I just keep reminding myself, mistakes aren’t tragedies, but please higher power, help me learn from them.” Everyone in the circle says the last part together, so it must be part of the program. Not sure if the phrasing is authentic, as so far my only addiction is television. (But I can stop anytime I want. Really.)

We then move along to the end of the meeting, as Bridget pours herself some coffee and flirts with Cute Guy #1 (there are maaaaaany yet to come) about her cookies. (You guys, I thought her cookies were saved for Angel! She’s not done baking yet!) Anyway, Cute Guy #1 is played by Mike Colter, and he seems to really care about her. However, she needs to go because Cute Guy #2 is waiting across the room. Hi, Nestor Carbonell! Even from across the room, your eyelashes look AMAZING. (Say hi to Hurley for me!) #1 asks, “Are you sure you don’t want me there tomorrow?” She assures him that she doesn’t and then walks over to Mr. Eyelashes-so-dark-it-looks-like-he’s-wearing-eyeliner. He is wearing a suit and has an official-business type of air. Still, he takes the time to get personal, because he is nosy like that. “Is that your boyfriend or sponsor?” Bridget: “Malcom? Sponsor, but … [she pauses and looks back] sponsor.” Hmmm. It seems that Malcolm (hurrah, a name!) is Love Interest #1. The first, but definitely not the last. A girl can cover a lot of ground in 40 minutes if she puts her mind to it, and SMG is nothing if not dedicated to her craft.

Cut to Bridget and Mr. Eyelashes arriving at a motel, where they get out of the car and Bridget gives a guy named Jimmy her coffee. We soon pick up on the fact that she’s in witness protection. Eyelashes assures her that they’ll protect her, urging her, “Just get up on the stand and tell the judge what you saw.” It is worth noting here that SMG has really tired eyes, which I think is a good touch. You really believe that this girl is an addict who can’t sleep at night because she’s in witness protection, worried about her safety. Nothing like the bubbly bright-eyed SMG of San Diego Comic-Con. I guess this is why they call it “acting.” Anyway, Bridget, she of the tired eyes, does not seem very assured by Eyelashes’ promises. “You don’t get it,” she says. “Macawi wants me dead, I’m dead. No one can protect me.” Hint hint at what’s to come. She is totally going to escape in the middle of the night, right?

Later that night we see her inside her hotel room as she snacks and watches TV. See, this is why she is my favorite twin. Uh oh, did I say twin? Spoiler alert! She clicks to news of the murder trial, as we learn that this Macawi guy that she’s afraid of is on trial for the “dismemberment killing of Shaylene Briggs, a dancer in his Rock Springs strip club.” Um, I don’t know about you, but I find the phrase “dismemberment killing” waaaaay more disturbing than just regular ol’ “killing.” No wonder Bridget is worried. She gets up and looks outside the window at Jimmy, whose gun is visible. The wheels start turning.

The next morning, Eyelashes arrives at the motel to find that Jimmy is not outside guarding. Uh oh. He pulls out his gun and calls for Bridget, but all he finds is poor Jimmy, handcuffed to shower rail. Poor Jimmy: “That crazy bitch took my gun.” Yeah, she does that. Those things? Never useful. (Except they totally are on this show, because I am not actually a crazy person, and am 98% aware that this show is not Buffy.)

Two days later. East Hampton, New York. SMG sits at a bar alone. She is very un-Bridget like, with expensive clothing and a sleek bun, topped off by designer glasses and purse. That’s because she is not Bridget. She is Siobhan, Bridget’s IDENTICAL TWIN SISTER. But which one is the Elizabeth and which one is the Jessica? It’s too early to tell. Oh, and did I mention that she is holding up a mirror and gazing into it. RUNNING THEME ALERT! As she hurriedly gets up to leave, she forgets her wallet on the bar. She is clearly jumpy, because she looks nervous and startled when the cop who just entered calls out to her to alert her to her missing wallet. Hmmm. More on her weird nervousness later. Anyway, Siobhan goes outside and greets Bridget. She asks,“Is that all you brought?” Bridget: “Traveling light these days.” Siobhan: “I was wondering how you’d look after six years.” Bridget: “Not nearly as good as you.” Siobhan: “Come here.” The two sisters hug, but clearly they have a lot of issues to work out so it is both awkward and bittersweet. Bridget looks close to tears as she tells her sister that she missed her. Siobhan does not reciprocate. Spoiler Alert: Siobhan is THE WORST. So far, she is totally the Sutton of this show.

Cut to a bird’s eye view of the Hamptons, and then we see Siobhan showing Bridget around her weekend place. Bridget jokes: “Looks just like my house. Except NOT AT ALL. Your life seems perfect.” Siobhan: “Close to it. No one’s life is perfect.” She says that it’s just the two of them this weekend, as her husband Andrew is in London working and visiting Juliet at boarding school. Bridget asks how long they’ve been married. Siobhan says that it has been almost five years. Wow, these twins sure haven’t spoken in awhile. In fact, Siobhan reveals that Andrew doesn’t even know that she has a sister, let alone an identical twin. All the better to perform a switcheroo, right?

Then the twins hang out in front of a mirror, like you do, and begin a heart-to-heart. There are a lot of SMGs in that mirror—way more than double—so I guess the mirror must be facing another mirror or something. I don’t know. DO I LOOK LIKE A MIRROR SCIENTIST? Does that even exist? Anyway, it was pretty cool to look at your TV and see that many Sarahs. It was as if my television was apologizing to me for Buffy’s absence. Thanks, TV! Now where was I before I was distracted by mirrors? Oh yeah, heart-to-heart. Bridget tells her sister, “I want you to know how sorry I am … for everything.” Siobhan: “You already apologized in your letter.” Bridget: “I know, it’s just that making amends is …” Siobhan cuts her off: “Step number nine. I did my research.” Bridget: “I think about Sean every day.” IMPORTANT INFORMATION ALERT! Siobhan: “I don’t want to talk about it.” Hmmm. Methinks that someone has not forgiven or forgotten. This will be important later. Bridget: “Will you just hear me out? Because of what I did …” Siobhan: “Bridget, stop. You’re already forgiven. You just need to forgive yourself.” Lying liar who lies. Er, I mean, I suspect. Siobhan then fake smiles at her sister and Bridget looks like a combination of relief and hope and doubt and sadness and happiness. See, this is what they hired SMG for. She can feel all the feelings.

Rock Springs, Wyoming. Eyelashes talks to Bridget’s sponsor, Malcolm (not Reynolds). He asks about Mal’s relationship with Bridget. Malcolm: “That’s one of the problems with being a sponsor. You get close.” Ahem. Nosy nosy Eyelashes (I’m going to keep calling him this until he has a name and an official job title) asks how close. Malcolm: “Let’s just say I regret it.” Nosy Eyelashes asks, “Do you love her?” Malcolm: “That’s none of your business.” Word.  Eyelashes: “I find it hard to believe that Bridget would disappear without contacting you.” Malcolm:“Well she hasn’t. And I’m really worried.” Eyelashes: “Well you should be. Because without her testimony, Macawi’s a free man. The guy’s ruthless. He killed his own brother. You better hope I find her before he does.” Dun dun dun. The fact that Macawi killed his own brother is a bit of an anvil there, right? I mean, what could this possibly foreshadow? Huh?

Cut to the twins on a boat. Wait, is this going to be like that time when Jessica and Elizabeth took a field trip with their class, and the boat sunk, and they got stuck on a deserted island? We can only hope. Bridget comments, “This reminds me of Tahoe.” Siobhan, “Why do you think I love it out here?” Hmmm. A hint at their past. And possibly confirmation that the twins are from California. Perhaps a little town named Sweet Valley, where they grew up in a split-level Spanish-style ranch house on Calico Drive? With a dog named Prince Albert? Then Siobhan offers to get some drinks, which will be important later. (Remember: Siobhan is THE WORST.) As she does this, she unsubtly asks, “So, are you still … dancing?” Bridget: “You mean stripping? Nah. But I still works for tips: waitressing.” I should note that while all this is happening, the music is super annoying and distracting and it bothered me way more than the bad green screen everyone was complaining about. I mean, not that the green screen complaints don’t have real merit, but when you see something repeated 50 bazillion times in your Twitter feed, it just starts to feel soooo blown out of proportion. So, by the time I actually saw the episode, I was like, “Oh yeah. Huh. Whatever.” Plus, I watched V. Enough said.

Back to the plot. Bridget tries to reach out to her sister again: “Siobhan, I don’t want to be the sister you have to pretend doesn’t exist.” Siobhan: “Just so you know, I missed you too.” Suuuuure. Then an undisclosed amount of time passes, and Bridget wakes up groggily, still on the boat. I’m guessing that drink Siobhan gave her was drugged. Bridget doesn’t seem to suspect this though, and after wondering how long she was out for, she calls for her sister. But she’s not there. Bridget sees a pill bottle on the floor, and opens it up to find Siobhan’s wedding ring. (That will be convenient later.) She calls for her sister and then sees something floating in the water. It seems like (key part is “seems like”) Siobhan killed herself. Uh oh. (Or yay! Depending on your attitude towards Siobhan.) Bridget tries call for help on the radio, but she can’t get through. How convenient. It’s almost like someone set it up just this way. Hmmm. Oh, Bridget, I hope all this stuff will begin to occur to you in future episodes. But for right now, Bridget is too consumed with worry for her twin, so she jumps off boat and swims toward the floating whatever. But Siobhan is gone.

New York City. Someone who looks like Siobhan and responds to her name arrives at her East Hampton apartment. But since Siobhan supposedly just killed herself, I think we can all guess that it’s Bridget. Right as Bridget enters the apartment to see a HUGE picture of Siobhan framed on the wall, which probably tells us a lot about her. I repeat: Siobhan is THE WORST. I mean, who does that?  Bridget then heads into the closet, because Siobhan’s wardrobe is probably her best quality. We see the red dress from the promo pics hanging in the closet, and then Bridget-as-Siobhan turns around and smiles at a handsome man (Ioan Gruffudd) who we can only assume is Andrew, Siobhan’s husband. She kisses him in greeting, which provokes a confused response from him. He comments, “Aren’t you friendly.” Bridget: “It’s been forever.” Andrew: “Two weeks is hardly forever.” Hmmm. He asks if she has lost weight, which is the first comment of the Siobhan-Bridget weight difference, but it will not be the last. Anyway, Andrew comments, “Hmmm, you’re too thin.” Then he shares some news about his business and she congratulates him. He is surprised again (because remember: Siobhan is THE WORST) and asks if she’s being sarcastic. Poor Ioan Gruffudd and his amazing accent have clearly been abused and under-appreciated. With this newfound kindness directed at him, Andrew dares to say that he doesn’t want to go to the ballet. “Siobhan” says okay. Andrew is shocked again: “That was easy.” Then he goes to take a shower … but we don’t get a shower scene.

Cut to Bridget out on the terrace where she calls her sponsor. Yes, it really is Bridget, pretending to be Siobhan. “I can’t believe what I’ve done,” she exclaims. Malcolm asks where she is, but instead of answering Bridget cries, “I didn’t think I had a choice.” Malcolm is confused: “What are you talking about? What did you do?” Bridget: “Siobhan killed herself. I don’t know why she did it. I’m the only one who knows that she’s dead. I saw a way out and I took it. I was so scared. The cops were after me. Macawi was after me. I felt like I didn’t have a choice. It was so easy, Malcolm. I mean they all think I’m her. They all think I’m Siobhan.” While she is telling him this, we see a montage of scenes post-boat-ride, featuring Bridget’s transformation into Siobhan. She is back at the weekend house, where she sees Siobhan’s wallet. Then she goes to a locker at a bus station where she gets her gun and deposits some Bridget-related stuff. Malcolm tells her: “They’re all looking for you. Tell me where you are and I’ll come get you.” Bridget: “No, it’s not safe for either of us. I shouldn’t have even called you.” He protests, then but she sees a figure down below on the sidewalk who seems to be staring at her. It’s only Baze from Life Unexpected, but Bridget gets scared, hangs up on Malcolm, and goes back inside. She opens one of Siobhan’s drawers and hides her gun there. Andrew is still in the shower. She is about to undress, but then when she hears the shower turn off, she lays on the bed and pretends to be asleep instead. So, is all this subterfuge worth it to get a hot husband (with accent), a posh apartment, an amazing wardrobe, and oh yeah, not being dead? We shall see …

The next morning, Bridget wakes up to the phone ringing. The lady on the other end asks where she is. Siobhan was supposed to meet her at the loft an hour ago. Bridget is confused, but she catches up quickly thanks to Siobhan’s orange planner. That will come in handy. Andrew enters and asks, “Why are you still in bed? If you skipped your trainer because I told you were too thin, that’s just ridiculous.” Really, Andrew? Really? Shut. Up. Anyway, the lady on the other end is named Gemma. Sadly, her resemblance to Gemma Teller Morrow ends with the name. (Speaking of which, you should all really watch Sons of Anarchy, so you can join me in my latest obsession.) Anyway, the inferior Gemma gives Bridget 30 minutes to meet her and demands a latte.

Cut to Bridget nervously arriving at the loft, looking like a dead ringer for Siobhan. (See what I did there?) Bridget meets Gemma, who has red hair, a colorful coat, and lots of energy. Gemma follows Andrew’s lead by focusing on her weight: “You look absolutely anorexic. You must share your secret.” The anvil of a possible Siobhan pregnancy strikes even harder? Also, it turns out that the loft is being renovated for Siobhan and Andrew. When Bridget wonders why a new place in necessary, Gemma answers: “Ask your crazy husband. It took me a year and a half to finish Park Avenue, and now he wants to start over. But, it’s the penthouse.” So Andrew has a real estate addiction? Or maybe this is all part of a plan to “mistakenly” lose the GIGANTIC photo of Siobhan in the move. Smart thinking, Andrew. Gemma then shows her friend the terrace, where we can recognize the statues from the opening scene. This loft is the place where Bridget will be running from the guy in the ski-mask. The two ladies then segue to a discussion of their respective relationships, and Gemma admits that she thinks Henry is having an affair. Bridget agrees to take her friend out to commiserate, but then has to beg off when she learns about a fundraising thing she has that night. Gemma: “I’ll just hook up with one of the workmen. I’m sure contractors make more money than out-of-work novelists.” Ugh. Well, now we know why Gemma and Siobhan were best friends.

Cut to the fundraiser. It’s an opera. Poor Andrew. He escaped a ballet, only to go to an opera. (Kidding! I love both the ballet and the opera. Though I can see why one might want to avoid attending such events with Siobhan.) As Bridget sits in the audience, wearing the gorgeous red dress from the promo pics, she sees Baze (Hi, Kristoffer Polaha!) staring at her again. Since she’s on the run from both the FBI and a killer, she doesn’t know that this is just the guy Siobhan is having an affair with, so she gets worried. After the show is over, Bridget and her fake husband walk arm-in-arm and seem to be getting along very well. Andrew asks if she wants champagne and she asks for water instead, feigning a headache. Good girl, Bridget. But then she sees Baze staring at her again. I have to say, this show is really utilizing Kristoffer Polaha’s ability to look good in a suit to its full potential. I mean, every show should hire him to just stand around being REALLY TALL and well dressed. Right? Best set dressing ever. I mean, yeah, he seems pretty stalkerish, but in a hot James Bond kind of way. Anyway, Bridget heads to a secluded location (I believe that they’re in the Museum of Natural History), because, you know, that’s what you do when you’re wanted by the FBI and a murderer, and you notice that some stranger is following. Seriously, Bridget? You’re going to make me like Siobhan better than you if you keep this up. Luckily for Bridget, instead of pulling out a gun or a badge, Polaha pulls her into a kiss. She pushes him away and asks what the hell he’s doing. He explains, “I just wanted to show you how much I missed you.” Eventually, she figures out that he is Henry, Gemma’s husband. Uh oh. Bridget says that she has to go, but Henry tells her to meet him at “the hotel” on Thursday. She doesn’t know which hotel he means, so she tries to use traffic as an excuse and learns which hotel it is. Henry: “You’re making me nervous, Siobhan. You won’t even look at me. Hey, I want to see you.” He smiles charmingly and tells her, “Nothing’s changed on my end.” Hmmm.

Back at home, Bridget asks Andrew for help with the hook on her dress. She notices his coldness and asks if everything is okay. She adds, “It’s just, I thought … we were cool.” Andrew: “Cool? What are we? 12? Of course we’re not cool.” Bridget: “But tonight at the gala, you seemed so happy.” Andrew: “That was an act. This is your game, Siobhan. I’m just playing by the rules.” Bridget: “What if I don’t want to play games anymore.” Andrew: “That would be a first.” She moves closer. “I’m serious. Why can’t we just be nice to each other? For real.” Andrew: “Who are you?” Bridget: “What do you mean?” Andrew: “You’re just so different. You’re just relaxed and agreeable.” Bridget asks, “You don’t like it?” Andrew: “No, I love it. [She smiles.] I just don’t believe it.” He walks away. She is sad. Okay, two things. 1) I’m pretty sure that Bridget has a major crush on her “dead” sister’s husband and is trying to build a relationship with him. 2) I do not blame her. I mean, do you?

Cut to Bridget in front of Siobhan’s jewelry box. She puts Siobhan’s wedding ring on a hook and then stumbles across a photo. It features Siobhan and a little boy, maybe 2 years old. She turns over the photo to reveal the “Siobhan and Sean, 2005” written on the back. Oooh, remember how Bridget told Siobhan that she thinks about Sean every day, during the mirror scene? And then Siobhan was all like, “I don’t want to talk about it”? It seems like Sean was Siobhan’s son, but he died, and that Bridget was somehow involved in his death. Like some kind of accident maybe? If that’s the case, this information may go a long way towards helping us to understand what happens later. Hmmm. In keeping with this, Bridget recites, “Mistakes aren’t tragedies, but please higher power …”

Fade into Brooklyn, New York, as Bridget and her NA group recite the second half of the refrain: “… help me learn from them.” Bridget is dressed like Siobhan, and she’s in New York, so this is the present, not a flashback. She tells the group: “This is the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do, but right now it’s the only choice that I have.” The poor leader of the NA meeting thinks that Bridget is actually talking about something relevant to the whole group, and not her twin switcheroo, so she replies, “Sobriety is the only choice.” Bridget: “I feel like every time I clean up a mess, I end up dirty. I never meant for any of this to happen. It just did.” Group leader: “The important thing is for you to take responsibility for your actions.” Um, I’m pretty sure that everything Bridget just said is the exact opposite of that. Oh, Bridget. She continues: “In all this, I lost someone who meant everything to me. I just got her back, now she’s gone. Maybe once things settle down, I can go back to my old life, be normal again. But for now …”

Cut to Bridget arriving back at the apartment. She hears loud music and giggling, and then walks in on a teenage girl in bed with a blindfolded naked guy. Awkward. The girl is Andrew’s daughter, Siobhan’s step-daughter, Juliet (Zoey Deutch). Juliet rudely tells her fake step-mom to leave. Of course Bridget isn’t really worried about the bedroom games, but rather the scarf she saw around the naked guy. Uh oh, looks like Juliet went through Siobhan’s stuff and might have found the gun! Bridget hurriedly looks through her drawer and grabs her gun, putting it into her bag. Then Juliet enters the room and yells at Bridget. “I shouldn’t have to be at boarding school anyway,” she complains. “The only reason that daddy sent me was because of you.” Bridget: “Juliet, I’m not trying to start a fight.” Juliet: “Since when?” Seems like Siobhan and her step-daughter did NOT get along. Shocking, since Siobhan seems so lovely. This discussion is interrupted when the phone rings. Juliet answers and then tells Bridget, “Some guy is coming up to see you.” She didn’t bother to find out the guy’s name.

We soon learn, however, when Nestor Carbonell steps off the elevator. There’s a long drawn-out moment as Bridget looks at him where it is SO CLEAR that she recognizes him and that she’s scared. And yet, he introduces himself as Victor Machado, FBI agent, and seems to fully believe that she’s Siobhan Martin. Sigh. We now know Eyelashes’ (extremely awesome) name and job … we just also happen to know that he’s kind of bad at his job. Try harder, Agent Machado. I’m rooting for you. Anyway, he wants to talk to “Siobhan” about her sister, and offers to buy her coffee.

Cut to the agent and the fake Siobhan sitting on bench in the park. Machado: “So you really have no idea where your sister is?” Bridget lies: “Not a clue.” Machado: “Well then I’m guessing you don’t know what kind of trouble she’s in.” Bridget snarks, “Well, I’m guessing you didn’t come all the way out here because she was jaywalking.” He laughs. “That’s amazing. Same pretty face. Same sarcastic attitude.” Oooh, maybe he will figure this out. Bridget reins herself in and tries to channel her sister: “I’m sorry, I’m just not exactly sure what this has to do with me. My sister and I are not close. We haven’t spoken in years.” Machado: “Bridget’s a fugitive. She assaulted a police officer and she stole his weapon.” Bridget: “Bridget wouldn’t do that.” Uh huh. Machado: “You sound pretty confident, and yet you’re not close.” At least he knows enough not to trust her story. Bridget explains, “We’re twins.” Machado: “Bridget was the only eyewitness to a murder. She’d been arrested for prostitution and possession. We agreed to drop those charges if she testified, but that never happened. We’re very concerned for her safety.”  Bridget: “If she didn’t talk, why are you so concerned?” Oh, poor Bridget. She really did not think this whole thing through. Do you think the soapdish-itis going on in Mystic Falls is contagious? Spreading through The CW? Sigh. Machado: “Because the man she’s supposed to testify against is now free and he’s gonna make sure he doesn’t go back to prison. Silencing your sister is his only insurance. Mrs. Martin, if you know something, you need to tell me. She’s facing arrest. Or worse. Bottom line, she’s not gonna get far either way.” He doesn’t add, though he probably should have: “Since you guys share the same face, and murderous criminals are known to make mistakes, you might want to be careful too.”

Back in Rock Springs, Wyoming, Macawi, the dismemberment killer, watches Malcolm from inside his car. This does not fill me with hope and happiness. Poor Malcolm.

Meanwhile, Bridget heads to the new loft to hide her gun. It’s night time, so she finds it empty … or so she thinks. A story in the paper catches her eye, as it states that a woman’s body has washed ashore. After a moment of fear and worry, she scrolls down to see that the woman was identified, and it wasn’t Siobhan. She seems relieved (but this does not yet inspire her to wonder about that whole passing out thing and the pill bottle and the radio being broken). Then her friend Gemma startles her, so she hurriedly hides the gun beneath the newspaper. That will be important later. Gemma asks what she’s doing there, and Bridget lies that she wanted to check on the progress. Gemma then brings up her husband Henry’s affair. Awkward. Gemma continues: “Well, I went through the list of usual suspects, but the trainer’s gay, the nanny’s fat, the best friend …” She trails off and gives Bridget a significant look. Bridget looks suuuuuper guilty, but Gemma fails to pick up on this (or so we think) and then laughs. She was kidding! (We think.)

Cut to the next day, when Bridget arrives at the hotel to see Henry. As soon as she enters the room, she declares that she is not there to sleep with him. Henry: “Why? I’m here to sleep with you.” Sigh. Bridget: “Henry, you’re my best friend’s husband.” Henry: “That never bothered you before.” Wow, Siobhan AND Henry are both THE WORST. (But also both gorgeous.) Bridget: “Well, it does now.” Hey, she may be an ex-stripper-prostitute-junkie, but even she has her limits. You do NOT sleep with your bestie’s husband. Even if your bestie is Gemma. Henry: “I don’t get it. What is it Siobhan?” Bridget: “Gemma’s on to us. She told me that she thinks you’re cheating on her.” Henry proves that he really is a writer: “With whom?” I guess he really is a writer. Bridget: “I suggested the nanny.” Harry says she’s a lesbian, so at least his reason is better than Gemma’s for ruling her out. Bridget says that they need to lay low for awhile. She adds: “I’m serious. If you really love me, you’ll stay away.”

Cut to Juliet and Andrew arguing. Apparently, this is the third time that whatever happened. She says he doesn’t know what happened, but he interrupts: “No, you could have gone to jail. And did you ever stop to think for one second how your behavior’s affecting this family?” “What family?” Juliet cries. “Siobhan hates me and you’re never around. I’m going to Mom’s!” Andrew: “You know that’s not an option.” Juliet: “Great, Daddy. Just throw it in my face that she doesn’t want me either!” He protests that that wasn’t what he meant as she storms out.

Bridget returns home and asks what’s going on. Andrew throws up his hands and says it was nothing. Then Bridget gets a call from Siobhan’s doctor. She didn’t show up for her appointment. Her blood work came back positive. Siobhan was four weeks pregnant! So, I guess that is supposed to explain everyone harping on Bridget’s skinniness? Because Siobhan had gained some pregnancy weight? Except for, um, you know, the fact that nobody shows in the first four weeks. Sigh. Anyway, Andrew predictably walks back into the room right when Bridget repeats to the doctor, “I’m pregnant?!”

Cut to Bridget and Andrew at a party/ club, sharing the news with Gemma and Henry. Seriouly, Bridget? SERIOUSLY?!?! You’re in the midst of a long con, where you are pretending to be someone else, but it never occurred to you to lie your way out of that announcement? I mean, there are a ton of stories she could concoct, to explain why she said those words. Le sigh. And worse, she knows that Siobhan has been having an affair with Henry, and yet here she is casually sharing this news with the likely father of the baby. Bridget, do better! Be better! Ugh. Then Andrew and Gemma head off to get drinks, leaving Henry and Bridget behind to talk. She apologizes. Really, Bridget?! Henry: “You know that that’s my baby.” She denies it, but he demands that she leave Andrew. He tells her that if she doesn’t, they’re over: “Make a choice. Him or me.” Bridget seems pretty relieved about this, and chooses Andrew in an instant. See what I mean about the crush on Andrew? Someone likes accents a whole lot more than her sister.

Later, we see Andrew on his phone, trying to get out of some deal. “Look, I know we negotiated that, but I want out.” Remember this for later. I have a theory. He quickly gets off the phone when Bridget enters. He asks her, “Do you think Henry was acting strange last night?” Bridget: “You know those artist types. They’re temperamental.” Andrew: “What about Gemma? She seemed pretty upset. You both did.” And this is when I started to suspect that Henry knows about the affair, and possibly had a hit out on his wife, which Gemma was possibly involved in too. And so, maaaaaybe the phone call was him trying to stop it from happening. Too dark? Sorry. Anyway, then Andrew tells his fake wife that Juliet was kicked out of boarding school. In answer to “Why?” he shows her vial of coke. Too bad Juliet didn’t keep her coke in a rosary, like a certain brunette boarding school attendee before her. (Kidding! Drugs are bad, kids. Just say no.) When Bridget sees the vial, she immediately freaks out: “Well she can’t stay here!” But when she sees Andrew’s face, she quickly adds, “not with the baby coming.” Andrew: “Come on, Shoe [was that his nickname for her?], she’s got nowhere else to go.”

East Hampton, NY. Agent Machado shows up to a bus station where some kids broke into the lockers. Uh oh. A cop hands him an envelope with a letter from Siobhan to Bridget. Agent Machado muses, “Her sister Siobhan said they hadn’t spoken in years. I wonder what else she’s lying about.” Dun dun dun.

Cut to Bridget listening to a voicemail from Gemma: “Meet me at the loft in an hour. I think I know who Henry’s having an affair with.” Uh oh. Like an idiot, Bridget shows up at the loft. She calls for Gemma but no one answers. Um, probably because Gemma lured her here for the hit! Uh oh. Finally, Bridget sees a masked figure and hides behind the pillar. We are back in the scene from the intro. The attacker hears Patsy Cline sing, and approaches. The two struggle. Bridget yells, “You have the wrong girl!” The attacker is not convinced and throws her through a wall. But then Bridget sees the newspaper from earlier and gets her gun from its hiding place. Ooooh, good move, Bridget. There’s hope for you yet. “I’m not Bridget,” she says. Then she shoots the guy. She takes the mask off his face, but he is not someone recognizable. Then she checks his pockets (another smart move) and finds a picture labeled with her sister’s name. The target was Siobhan, as I suspected, not Bridget. Uh oh. You know what they say: out of the frying pan … into the fancy apartment with a hired assassin.

We then move to Paris, where Siobhan is very much alive and engaged in her favorite pastime: staring into a mirror. The phone rings and an unknown man’s voice says, “Siobhan, we have a problem.” Dun dun dun. And then Siobhan just hangs up. I guess because she is in Paris, busy staring at herself in a reflective surface, so she just doesn’t have time for other people’s problems? I repeat: Siobhan is THE WORST. Title card. The end.

So, Siobhan faked her own death, and it seems like she set-up her sister to take over her life. But did she order the hit on herself, hoping to kill her sister as revenge for what happened to Sean? Or did Andrew and/or Gemma order the hit, and Siobhan found out about it, then used it to her advantage? One thing seems clear. Siobhan is not a Jessica or an Elizabeth. She’s a total Margo.  What did you guys think of the pilot? Chime in below. I’ve missed our television discussions.