THE VAMPIRE DIARIES: “The Last Dance”

If lovin' Klaus-in-Alaric is wrong, I don't wanna be right. Photo Credit: Annette Brown/The CW.

Read on for my recap & review of The Vampire Diaries 2×18, “The Last Dance,” aired Thursday, April 14, 2011:

I took a bit longer to reflect on the episode before starting my recap this week, and I’m glad that I did.  No one wants to read a rushed and formulaic version of my recap, right?  (Excuses, excuses.)  So, what happened this week?  Well, there were Go-Go boots, leather pants, paisley, a vest, and SUITS!  Anything else worth mentioning?  Let me think … oh yeah, Bonnie died … except she really didn’t.  And, most importantly, there was Klaus-in-Alaric.  Now, what should we call him?  I mean Klaus-in-Alaric is sort of a pain to type out.  Klalaric?  Klaric?  Alaraus?  Just to have some consistency, I’m going to go with Klalaric, except when he’s at school, when I will call him Mr. Klauzman.  So, without any further ado, on to the recap …

We open on Klalaric browsing through Alaric’s closet.  He does not like what he sees, but I bet Dean and Sam Winchester would.  Klalaric snarks, “Who is this guy?  Safari Sam?”  Oh, Klalaric, I love you.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, you all know how much I love Alaaaaaric, and I’m sure that being possessed is a real pain, but … can we please keep Klalaric forever and ever?  No?  Then let’s just hope this show keeps Matt Davis forever and ever.  Let’s have him be possessed by Elijah or Damon next.  Oooh, or Katherine!  Hee.  Oh, is it cruel for me to wish my favorite male character on the show a future full of possession?  My bad.  Okay, stop getting out of control, Imagination.  Back to the recap.  Sooooo, Klalaric still has Katherine kidnapped, and he holds up two shirts for her approval: “Okay, bad?  Badder?”  Katherine: “The dark colors suit you better.”  Her tone is very pained, kind of like she’s trying to act cool and not-terrified.  Poor Katherine.  (What?  It’s very upsetting to see our villainess so victimized.  I am having a hard time dealing, actually.  Sending my therapy bill to Atlanta.)  Klalaric: “Oh, thank you, honey.”  Oh, the way he talks to Katherine—I die.  It’s just not the way we’ve seen anyone treat her.  And you can just sense that they have this history.  Klaus is certainly very different from Elijah, who had (soon to be “has” again) that slow deliberate Old World politeness, combined with a “I mean business” air.  Klalaric, on the other hand, seems slightly unhinged.  He is being ostensibly kind to Kat, but she is cowering, which gives the whole scene a very menacing air.  There is just this sort of “he smiles in your face and then kicks your puppy” vibe about Klaus.

Anyway, Klalaric begins to grill Katherine: “Okay, pop quiz: the dagger and white ash are in the Salvatores’ possession, correct?”  Katherine: “The dagger was used to kill Elijah.  You’ll find him in the basement of the Salvatores’ house.”  Klalaric: “Okay, that dagger needs to stay exactly where it is.  The last thing I need to do is resurrect Elijah.  That guy’s a buzzkill.”  First: giggles!  Second: Oh, Klalaric, I love you, but telling Katherine, “This is what my enemies must NEVER do at any cost!” is amateur villain hour.  I mean, who are you?  Some Bond villain whose name I can’t remember?  You’re the oldest vampire known to man!  Try to act like it, why don’t you.  Elijah would not be amused.  Anyway, Katherine doesn’t manage to get away and make trouble for Klaus in this episode (Elena takes care of that on her own, thank you very much), but it would have served him right if she had.

Katherine continues: “And don’t forget you’re on the outs with your girlfriend Jenna.”  Klalaric: “Right!  Elena’s aunt … for all the lies about Isobel.”  Katherine: “That’s it.”  He leans in and touches her hair.  Seeing her flinch, he notes, “So jumpy.”  Oh, he is loving every moment of this.  Katherine, however, is NOT: “Please, just kill me.  I’ve told you everything I know.”  Klalaric: “See, I believe that you believe that.  What would you not know?  What could they be keeping from you?  Anything?  Tell me.”  At this point he compels her, and I think this line of questioning was pretty smart on his part.  Katherine: “They were trying to see if Bonnie could find a way to kill an Original without a dagger.”  Klaus: “I thought you said she didn’t have her powers anymore.”  Katherine: “She doesn’t.  Or didn’t.  I don’t know.  You kidnapped me, remember.  I’m kind of out of the loop.”  Klalaric: “Well, we’ll have to get to the bottom of that.”  Katherine: “Please just kill me, Klaus, and be done with it.”  Klalaric: “Show you kindness?  I’ve searched for you over five hundred years.  Your death is going to last at least half that long.”  Yikes!  Also, CALLED IT!  I knew this guy wasn’t just gonna just let things go.  Too bad Katherine was naive enough to believe Isobel.  Sigh.  He continues: “I want you to take this knife and stab yourself.”  She does.  A bloody mess.  Ewww.  Klalaric: “Now take it out.  Now, while I’m gone, I want you to do that over and over and over again.  And if you get bored, switch legs.”  Wow.  Katherine asks, “Where are you going?”  Klaus: “I’m going to go lay eyes on my precious doppelgänger.”  Then he kisses her forehead.  OMG, saying “lay eyes on my precious” and kissing someone’s forehead was never so creepy and menacing.  Katherine seems to feel the same, and when he sees her expression he says: “Oh, don’t look so glum, Katerina.  The fun is just beginning.”  As he exits, he calls “again” over his shoulder.  Sadist.  Title card.  (Um, I just wrote over a page about the opening TEASER.  Stop reading now and run!  It’s too late to save me, but save yourselves.)  

Meanwhile at Casa Salvatore, Elena and Bonnie are meeting with a lawyer.  You know, like teenagers do before going to school.  Meeting with an attorney in the a.m., then a high school dance in the p.m.  It’s how they roll.  Elena is signing the papers to take possession of Casa Salvatore.  What should I call it now?  Casa Gilbert lacks the beautiful Italian vowels, so I guess I’ll go with Casa Elena.  Or Casa Elena-is-living-with-two-brothers-who-are-both-desperately-in-love-with-her.  Yeah, this living situation won’t be awkward AT ALL.  Maybe I should just call it the Bermuda Triangle.  Elena is Bermuda, Stefan is Miami, and Damon is Puerto Rico.  Wacky and mysterious stuff ensues.  People die.  Rinse, repeat.  Anyway, back to legal matters.  Bonnie is as incredulous as the viewers: “So this place is all yours?  They just gave it to you?”  Elena: “For now.  As sole owner, I’m the only one who can invite a certain type of person in here, if you know what I mean.”  Bonnie: “Your own personal safe house.”  Elena: “That’s the idea.”  Bonnie brings up the practical concerns: “Wouldn’t want to clean it.”  Elena smiles, probably thinking “I’ll have you doing dusting spells in no time.”  Or maybe, “Damon owns all the soap in Mystic Falls, so I think he has the whole cleaning thing covered.

Meanwhile, Damon and Stefan wait outside.  Damon asks, “You really think Bonnie can take on Klaus?”  Stefan: “She said she could channel enough witches’ power to kill him.  Elijah thought that would work, and he was an Original, so …”  Damon: “We just need to find him.  Can she do one of those witch tracking spells?”  Stefan: “No, not without something that belongs to Klaus.  Believe me, I already asked.”  Damon: “You think he killed her?”  Stefan: “Katherine?  Probably.”  Damon: “It’s not like she didn’t have it coming.”  Then the two just kind of sit there, and I have to say neither looks happy about the prospect of Klaus killing their first love.  Too bad it doesn’t occur to these soapdishes (Bonnie and Elena included) to try a tracking spell on Katherine in order to find Klaus.  What with her being kidnapped by Klaus and everything.  Just saying.  Siiiiiiigh.

Then the lawyer leaves, and the Salvatores try to enter the house … but they can’t.  Elena: “I’m sorry, I completely forgot.  Stefan, would you like to come inside my house?”  Stefan: “I would love to.  Thank you.”  Damon is annoyed when Elena pauses after that: “What are we, 12?”  Elena: “One of us is.”  Also, I love the brief glance of Stefan’s amusement that we get here.  He’s having a little too much fun with this.  Hee.  Elena addresses Damon: “If I let you in, do you promise to obey the owner of this house?”  Damon: “No.”  Elena: “Seriously, Damon, my way, you promised.  I call the shots.  No lies, no secret agendas, remember?”  Damon: “Yes, Elena, sure.”  He sounds completely insincere (not that he should really be sincere in this instance, since Elena is basically acting like a spoiled bossy brat—what happened to working together?), but it’s enough for Elena: “Then please come in.”  Damon catches sight of Stefan, and says, “Shut up.”

Then Bonnie and Elena make to leave for school, and the Salvatores are all like “What what what?”  They remind Elena that Klaus is out there, and the whole reason why they gave her their HOUSE was to keep her safe.  Elena points out that they don’t know where Klaus is.  I guess that is supposed to be convincing in some way.  Try again, Elena.  She continues: “Look, I really appreciate what you guys are doing, and I’ll be able to sleep at night knowing that I’ll be safe here.  But I’m not gonna be a prisoner.”  Valid point.  Damon says through clenched teeth, “Your way, Elena.”  Bonnie: “Don’t worry, I’m ready.  If he shows his face, I can take him.  No help.”  Hmmm.  Elena: “The way I see it, next to Bonnie is the safest place I can be.”  Stefan decides to go to school then too.  It’s a banner day in Mystic Falls High history!  The lack of truancy is amaaaaaazing.

Meanwhile, Matt shows up at the Forbes house to see the Sheriff.  He’s upset.  As he should be.  Caroline left early for school (probably to plan the Decade Dance—even as a vampire, the girl is still dedicated to school spirit.)  Matt worries that he doesn’t know what to do or say around Caroline.  He adds: “She wants me to take her to the dance.  What am I supposed to do?”  Liz: “Take her to the dance.”  Matt is not so sure—he doesn’t think he’ll get away with lying to her.  Liz: “Dammit, Matt, just do it!  She’s my daughter, my baby.  I need some time.”  This makes me hopeful.  Perhaps Liz may rethink her position.  Hmmm.  Matt: “But …”  Liz: “The Salvatores are vampires, the Gilbert family is in on it, Tyler Lockwood is god knows what …”  Matt: “A werewolf.”  Well, look at the little supernatural expert.  Ha!  Liz: “There’s no one in this town I can trust.  I just need to take a beat and figure out what to do.”  I like that Liz isn’t rushing into any murderous plans.  Phew.  I was so worried last week.  Matt repeats that he doesn’t think he’ll be able to fool Caroline.  Liz: “Yes, you will.  As far as she knows, you don’t remember anything.  Buy me some time.  Please, Matt.”  Time to join Team Caroline and the CFFC?  I hope so.  Bonus: we have cookies and we will teach you the meaning of fabulous.

We then cut to Elena, Bonnie, and Stefan in class.  And not just hanging out doing magic or discussing Alaric’s love life, either.  In an actual classroom with other students, preparing to actually learn stuff.  Elena dangles the flyer for the 60s Decade Dance at Stefan, and he shakes his head no.  Oh, silly Stefan, you’re not getting out of it that easily.  Elena then shakes the flyer in Bonnie’s direction, who nods enthusiastically.  Sorry, Stefan, methinks you’ll be dancing tonight.  Then Mr. Klauzman enters.  Klaus is going to teach history.  Hee.  This show loves me.  It really loves me.  Mr. Klauzman greets the class, and asks, “What are we learning today?”  Dana (yes, Dana of “Not now, Dana!” fame) answers: “With the Decade Dance, we’ve been covering the sixties all week.”  Mr. Klauzman: “Right, the sixties.”  He then sees Elena and is momentarily distracted.  He stumbles and rambles a bit: “The sixties.  I wish there was something good I could say about the sixties, but uh … actually they kinda sucked.  Except for the Beatles, of course.  They made it bearable.  What else was there?  The Cuban missile thing, we walked on the moon, there was Watergate …”  Elena: “Watergate was the seventies, Ric.  [Awkward pause.]  I mean, Mr. Saltzman.”  Hee.  Also, so glad that Elena knows stuff that isn’t vampire related.  Perhaps there’s hope for college after all.  (Who am I kidding?)  Mr. Klauzman: “Right, it kind of mushes together up here.  Sixties, seventies … thank you, Elena.”  Really, this whole scene is all in the delivery and I can’t possible express its awesomeness.  More Mr. Klauzman, please.

Outside, Caroline is engaged in some dance preparation.  She greets Dana, so I guess history class is over.  Is it lunch?  Has school ended?  Who knows?  Who cares?  She walks towards Matt and they kiss.  He’s being all sweet, and he tells her that he found a suit, if she still wants him to be JFK.  Matt in a suit!  Again!  I am as happy as Caroline about this prospect.  (But I’m a little worried that Matt is such a good liar/ actor.)

Cut to Jeremy and Bonnie in the cafeteria (or gym?).  They argue over telling Elena about the whole “using all 100 dead witches’ power to kill Klaus will probably kill Bonnie” thing.  They are interrupted when Elena walks over.  She asks Jeremy if he’s okay at the house alone with John.  Poor Jeremy.  He concedes that, “It’s not ideal.”  Elena asks if he has heard from Jenna, and he says, “Looks like she’s staying on campus.”  Way to abandon your wards, Jenna.  Worst guardian ever.  Jeremy quickly leaves, because not telling Elena that her best friend will probably die for her makes him cranky.  Elena asks Bonnie what’s wrong, and Bonnie covers, saying that she told Jeremy he had to dress up.  Does Bonnie end up giving Jeremy the horrible paisley shirt, with vest, just to make this story more believable?  Oh, how Jeremy suffers.

The two besties are then interrupted when Dana comes over: “This is gonna sound freaky, but this totally hot guy just asked me to ask you if you were going to the dance tonight.”  Bonnie: “Tell him she has a boyfriend.”  Dana: “You could at least meet him.  He’ll be at the dance tonight.  Look for him—his name is Klaus.”  Uh oh.  Elena: “I’m sorry, what did you just say?”  Dana: “His name’s Klaus.  I know the name’s stupid, but I swear he is totally hot.”  Ha!  I love that the show is poking fun at Klaus’s name.  Bonnie: “Where is he?  Is he here?”  Dana’s face shifts for a sec: “I don’t know.”  Bonnie realizes, “She’s been compelled.”  Dana adds: “He wants to know if you’ll save him the last dance.  How cute is that?”  Twisted.

Cut to later that day at the Bermuda Triangle (or Casa de Triangle, if you prefer).  Damon, Stefan, Elena, and Bonnie discuss the Klaus-related happenings.  Damon says that they’ll have to go to the dance and find Klaus.  Stefan: “Really?  How do we do that?  We don’t even know what he looks like.”  Stefan then pulls a total “I told you so” on Elena and Bonnie.  Well, they made it through the school day alive.  That’s really all one can ask in Sunnydale Mystic Falls.  Then Klalaaaaric shows up.  Hurrah!  I mean, um … OH NO!!!  Evil vampire afoot!  Damon tells Klalaric to put him down as a chaperone for the dance.  (I don’t recall ever having a chaperone in leather pants at any of my high school dances.  Clearly, I have led a deprived existence.)  Elena asks about the plan of attack.  Oh, silly Elena.  An actual plan?  Who has ever heard of such a thing?  Bonnie begs to differ: “Me.  I’m the plan.  He has no idea how much power I can channel.  If you can find him, I can kill him.”  Sounds uh … intricate and … well thought out.  Klalaric is a little offended: “It’s not gonna be that easy.  He is the biggest baddest vampire around.”  Damon: “Alaric has a point.  I mean, what if he ..”  With that, Damon super-speeds towards Bonnie, but he she pushes him across the room with her magic, and he is summarily knocked on his a**.  Stefan: “Well, I was impressed.”  Hee.  Stefan is funny in this episode.  Bonnie: “It doesn’t matter if he’s an Original.  I can take down anyone who comes at me.  I can kill him, Elena.  I know I can.”  Klalaric does not look thrilled.  Inner monologue: “Ugh, witches!”

Klalaric returns to Alaric’s place, annoyed.  He tells Katherine: “You were right.  This witch is all juiced up and aiming to kill.  Kat in monotone: “That’s terrible.”  I found that delivery both hilarious and tragic.  Poor Katherine.  Klalaric continues: “We’re gonna have to kill her.  Do you think this Alaric guy has anything vintage?”  Then he sees all the weapons: “Crossbows, wooden bullets, and automatics.  Who is this guy, again?”  Katherine: “He’s the local vampire hunter.”  Klalaric: “Well that explains the clothing.”  Buffy and her stylish-yet-affordable boots would resent that comment.  Maddox (that’s his witch’s name) holds out a glass: “All I could find.  Guy likes his bourbon.”  Klalaric: “I knew there was something about him I liked.”  And just like that, the Mystic Grill was saved!  I mean there are entire industries that rely on Alaric’s drinking habits, after all.  Klalaric then tells Maddox to take out Bonnie.  Maddox begs off: “If she has that much power, she can sense me coming from a mile away.  I won’t be able to get near her.  You have to do it.”  Klalaric: “In this body?  I’m a haggard history teacher.  She could easily hurt me.  I mean not me, Klaus me, but you know what I mean.”  Hee.  Maddox: “No witch can handle channeling that much power.  It will kill her.  It would kill me.  You just have to make her use it.”  Klalaric: “What do you mean?  Like, provoking her … to death?”  Maddox: “It won’t take long.  Just keep attacking her ‘til it kills her.  His body, Alaric’s, will last longer than hers will.”  Klaus: “How?  He’s human.”  Maddox: “I can help in that department.  I can do a spell to protect you.”  Um, why isn’t Bonnie doing that spell on Elena, Jeremy, Matt, and Jenna ALL THE TIME?!?!  Also, Katherine is very obviously listening in, which I think may be important in future episodes.  Don’t count Katherine out, people.  She’s a survivor.

OBSESSED with this picture. Photo Credit: Bob Mahoney/The CW.

Cut to Vampire Barbie, dressed up as Jackie O!  Oh, Caroline, you are always flawless.  Her mom comes in and compliments her.  Caroline notices her discomfiture and asks if everything is okay.  Liz lies, “Just some work stress.”  Caroline: “Well you work too much.”  Agh!!!  I just can’t stand this!  Then Matt shows up (IN A SUIT!) and Caroline is really happy to see him.  “Mr. President,” she greets him.  Awwww.  Also, tragical.  When she tries to kiss him, he pulls back, stopping her.  Seeing Matt glance at her mom, Caroline just thinks he doesn’t want to engage in PDA in front of her mom, but I am just distraught over this scene.  It’s all in the subtext.  More significant glances are exchanged between Matt and Liz, and I just can’t even take the stress anymore.

Back at the Bermuda Triangle, Elena looks through a box of clothes.  She tells Stefan: “Your relatives were such packrats.  Okay, so what do you think?  Twiggy?  Or sexy hippy?”  What is it with these two and dressing in each other’s dead relatives’ clothing?  Stefan: “You know it’s not too late to back out?”  Elena: “And what?  Miss out on all the fun?”  Stefan walks over and strokes her hair.  Elena opens up about her fears: “All this time spent worrying about Klaus, I think I convinced myself that he’s not real.  But he is.”  Stefan: “And tonight, we will put an end to him.”   They kiss.  Elena: “I love you.”  Stefan: “I want you to tell me that when the night’s over.”  Damon interrupts: “Anytime tonight.”  See what I mean?  Bermuda Triangle of awkward.

Cut to possibly my favorite scene of the entire episode.  Mr. Klauzman arrives at the dance in a mock turtleneck and a peacoat, and he dances his way in.  He DANCES his way across the floor people.  Like, I can’t even handle it.  Can you imagine that you were a high schooler attending a dance and your history teacher made that entrance?  The most embarrassing thing ever.  I love him more than words can express.  He greets Dana, who compliments his outfit.  She’s dancing with an unnamed boy, who is also one of Mr. Klauzman’s students.  Mr. Klauzman asks, “How would you and your friends like to uh, earn a little extra credit?”  Creeeeepiest teacher evvvvver.  (And that includes Ezra Fitz.)

Meanwhile, Bonnie and Jeremy are outside the dance.  Jeremy tries to give her his ring.  Bonnie: “If you’re asking me to go steady, I think that was the fifties.”  See how educated these kids are?  Who needs school?  But then Bonnie gets serious and explains that the ring won’t work on her: “It’s to protect people from the supernatural, not to protect people who are.”  Bummer.  Jeremy: “Well, I have to do something.  I can’t just … I can’t just let you get yourself killed.”  Bonnie: “Just because a bunch of dead witches game me a warning doesn’t mean I’m gonna die.”  Jeremy: “So you’re saying that there’s a fifty-fifty shot that you won’t?”  Um, where did he come up with those odds?  He continues: “I’m sorry, but you know I don’t have the best luck in the girlfriend department.”  Yes, two out of three have died.  Not “the best luck” indeed.  Bonnie: “Hey, listen, I can’t explain it but I can feel them.  I’m empowered Jeremy.  I can do this.  I know I can.  I’m strong enough.”  Then Damon arrives, and significant glances are exchanged, before he enters the school.  Finally, Elena shows up and the girls compliment each other on how they look.  Hugs!  Elena is rocking her ponytail … but she doesn’t really bring the ponytail attitude this week until the very end of the episode, when the ponytail is gone.

Cut to the crowded dance, as music plays.  Dana thinks she’s social chair or something, and she gets up on the podium to announce a song dedication: “This is for Elena.  From Klaus.”  Elena is scared.  We then cut to commercial, and when we come back “The Last Kiss” starts to play.  No, not the 1960s version by Wayne Cochran, and no, not the Pearl Jam version (my favorite!).  For a complete songlist from the episode, go here.   Damon notes: “That was a lame cheap shot.  He’s just trying to bait us.”  Elena: “I know everyone here.”  Me: “Hint hint!”  Stefan: “Maybe he’s not here.  He just wants us to believe he is.”  Damon: “It’s a party, people.  Blend!  Let him come to us.”  Bonnie says that’s a good idea (she and Damon are as one in this episode), and leads a protesting Jeremy off to the dance floor.  Elena and Stefan dance too, while Damon walks over to talk to Klalaric.  Klalaric: “Special dedication, huh?  This guy is a little twisted.”  Damon: “I’m not impressed.”  Klalaric is offended: “No?”  Poor Klalaric.  Being the oldest vampire known to man just doesn’t garner the same respect as it used to.  Damon tells him to let him know if he sees “anything out of wack.”

We then see Elena and Stefan dancing, and Elena notes Caroline’s arrival.  Elena says that they have to tell her what’s going on, and since Stefan is Caroline’s vampire sponsor, he volunteers.  Before she knows it, Elena switches partners with Damon.  Gracefully done, Salvatores.  Damon does his very best Joey Tribbiani impression: “How you doin’?”  Ha!  He then amuses Elena (and the audience) by recounting the adventures of the previous Decade Dance: “The vampires were all ‘aaaagh!’ and you were all ‘aaahhhh.’”  Hee.  Elena: “Right, and we won.”  Damon: “Yes, we did.”  He then spins her about.  Elena is impressed.  Damon: “I’ve got moves you’ve never seen.”  I really liked this exchange, because it was so fun and playful, and Damon was clearly trying to take Elena’s mind off all her troubles, and just be a friend.

We then see Caroline and Matt, who just look fabulous together.  He compliments her, but then they’re interrupted by Stefan, who asks, “Do you mind if I steal your date?”  Matt gracefully exits to get them something to drink.  Stefan and Caroline also look fabulous together.  Have I mentioned that Stefan is wearing a suit?  Because he wins best-dressed at this shindig, right after Caroline.  Honestly, the show should put Paul Wesley in a suit more often.  I instantly feel more sympathetic to his character.  Team Suits!  Anyway, he fills Caroline in about Klaus, and tells her to keep her eyes open.

In cahoots! Photo Credit: Annette Brown/The CW.

Then the game of switching partners continues, as Damon cuts in so he can dance with Bonnie.  Damon overheard Bonnie and Jeremy talking about her potential doom.  She confirms that it’s true.  But maybe not the fifty-fifty part.  Damon: “So you’d lay it all out on the line for Elena, no matter what?”  Bonnie: “No matter what.”  Damon: “Good.”  Bonnie: “You can’t tell her.”  Damon: “Your secret’s safe with me.  But I mean … with all that power, is there no way to increase your odds?”  Bonnie gets a bewitching smile on her face: “Careful, Damon.  I might start to think you actually care.”  These two in cahoots are kind of hot, people.  Also, they are like two peas in a pod in their “Save Elena” mission.  Remember last week when Bonnie said this wasn’t about Elena?  Yeah, Bonnie doesn’t either.  This week it’s all “Everything Elena!”

Meanwhile, Elena asks Jeremy what Bonnie and Damon are up to.  Jeremy is kind of depressed: “Who knows?”  She asks if something is going on, and if he’s okay, but he lies and tells her that he’s fine.  Then Stefan approaches and asks if everyone is all right.  Oh my goodness, people!!!  Let me save you some time.  NO ONE IS EVER ALL RIGHT.  THIS IS MYSTIC FALLS.  Please adjust your dialogue accordingly.  Thank you.

Cut to a short time later, in a hallway, where Jeremy gets back to his roots with some Emo-Jeremy time.  Stefan finds him and realizes that something is wrong.  (He was clearly not listening to me earlier.)  Jeremy admits, “It’s Bonnie.”  Stefan asks what it is.  Jeremy: “If Bonnie takes on Klaus, channeling all that energy is gonna kill her.”  Stefan: “What?”  Pay attention, Stefan!  That suit will only get you so far.  Jeremy continues: “But she doesn’t want Elena to know, because if Elena knows, she’s gonna try and stop her.  Then it’s Elena who could turn up dead.  What am I supposed to do?”  Poor Jeremy.  Quite a conundrum.  Also, he really got the fuzzy end of the lollipop with that horrid paisley shirt and VEST.  (I can’t decide if the vest improves the outfit because it covers up some of the shirt, or if it makes it even worse.  You decide.)

We then hear NOT-Tiffany sing “I Think We’re Alone Now.”  My first reaction: How are they playing a Tiffany song at a sixties dance?  Then: Oh, that is sooooo not Tiffany!  When I scoured the internet searched Wikipedia, I quickly learned that Tiffany’s 1987 #1 hit was originally a 1967 song by Tommy James and the Shondells.  Sorry, I am a product of the eighties.  The version we heard in the show was actually a cover by The Birthday Massacre.  (Did Buffy start a band?  Kidding!)  This whole thing is just very telling about my music-related ignorance.  As a child, I took a road trip with some of my extended family one summer, and I remember the whole car ride, from Florida to South Carolina (or was it North Carolina?), we listened to Tiffany and Wilson Phillips cassette tapes over and over and over and oooooover the entire time.  It probably sounds like torture to you, but I actually thought it was awesome, as prior to this my only major music influences had been Barbie and the Rockers, Jem and the Holograms, and Madonna.  I partially blame this experience for my total lack of musical sophistication in my adult years.  50% of my iTunes library is television or film-related music, 20% is Harry Potter audio books, 10% is Frank Sinatra, 10% is eighties music, and then 10% is country.

Moving on, there is some major dancing going on, and Damon is having a lot of fun.  There are girls in wigs.  But then he sees Elena take Bonnie aside, and then Stefan comes over to confront him.  Uh oh.  Stefan: “Please tell me you didn’t know that Bonnie was on a suicide mission.”  Damon: “Oh, great.  Jeremy told you and of course you told Elena.”  Stefan: “Yeah, I told her.  You promised her no more secrets.”  Damon: “I changed my mind.”  Me: “Um, this is Damon after all.”

Bonnie and Elena take it outside, and Elena is not happy.  She tells Bonnie, “No.  No way.  It’s not an option.”  Bonnie: “It’s our only option.”  Elena: “Then we’ll find another way.  Bonnie, you’re not dying to save my life.”  Bonnie: “I have the power to save you.  If I don’t use it and something happens, that would kill me more.”  Elena: “I can’t let you.”  Bonnie: “Just answer one question: if the situation was reversed, would you do it for me?  [Long pause.]  So you know why I have to.”  Elena: “No.  No.”  I’m assuming both noes are in response to the latter question, and she doesn’t mean, “No, of course I wouldn’t die for you, you crazy witch.”

Meanwhile, Jeremy is still wandering the hallways morosely, when he runs into a group of guys in the hallway.  They get hostile.  I knew that paisley would get him into trouble!  But upon closer look, we can see that one of Jeremy’s would-be attacker is wearing a tie-dyed tee-shirt, and another is wearing something that resembles an ugly pajama shirt … so, I’m thinking they’re not the fashion police.  As things start to get violent, Stefan and Damon show up.  The kids are clearly compelled, so Stefan stops Damon before he kills any innocent teenagers.  Stefan then tells Damon to go find Bonnie and Elena, and he’ll take care of this.

Unfortunately, Klalaric finds Bonnie and Elena first.  He tells them that Klaus has Jeremy and leads them to some dark secluded hallway.  Elena starts to get suspicious.  But in a very confused way.  Bonnie asks where Jeremy is.  Klalaric: “I just had to get away from that dance.  The sixties, blech!  Not my decade.  I much prefer the twenties—the style, parties, the jazz.”  Elena: “Alaric, are you on vervain?”  Um, I might suggest a few other things before vervain, given Klalaric’s behavior.  Klalaric: “Now why would you ask me that question, Elena?”  Elena thinks he’s being compelled.  Bonnie: “What’s going on?”  Klaus: “Okay, I’ll give you a hint: I am not Alaric.”  Elena: “Klaus?”  Klalaric: “Surprise!”  Elena can’t believe it.  He tells her: “Just relax, Elena.  I’m not here to hurt you.  You’re not on my hit list tonight.”  He turns to Bonnie: “But you are.”  Bonnie puts her witchy juju on him, and knocks him back across the room.  Klaus gets up pretty quickly though: “Now, did I mention that I know a witch?  You’re gonna have to hit me a lot harder than that.”  She hits him harder.  Still not good enough.  Klalaric taunts: “By all means, fire away.  If you kill this body, I’ll just get a new one.  Maybe Jeremy.”  Bonnie tells Elena to run, and then slams the doors on Klaus with magic.  Um, I’m thinking that we’re beyond door slamming here.

As Bonnie and Elena run away, they run into Damon.  They fill him in.  He tells Elena to find Stefan.  Left alone, Bonnie explains to Damon that Klalaric has some kind of protection spell, and that she’s trying.  She explains: “If I kill Alaric, he’ll just possess someone else.  He knows I have my power, Damon.  He’s trying to kill me.”  Damon: “No, Klaus does not get to win tonight.  No way.  You still willing to do whatever it takes to kill him?”  She nods.  In cahoots!  The only question is, how in the world did Damon know about the resurrection spell?  Or was it just a hopeful idea that this might be possible, and Bonnie figured out the spell?  She was just like “Accio Resurrection Spell!”?!?  Did they just have a minute long brainstorm session and figure it out together?  If this spell exists, why didn’t they think of it earlier?  Coming back to life is pretty handy.  Or is this sort of like a Romeo and Juliet thing—the spell was to make Bonnie appear dead, when she was really alive the whole time?  How did this idea conveniently appear at this exact dramatic moment?  Couldn’t they have used such a spell to fake Elena’s death and keep Klaus away?  Or wouldn’t Katherine have used this spell to fake her death back in 1864, given her close relationship with at least two witches?  It’s just awfully convenient.  The burden of having magic on a show, I guess.  Maybe it only works on witches?  Anyway, regardless, Damon is at least partly responsible for a good idea.  Making up for the soap dish, one day at a time.  This triumph is for you, Damon:

Back on the dance floor, more music plays as Elena runs into Caroline.  Elena says she’s looking for Stefan and tells her friend to stay with Matt.  And that’s the last we see of Caroline in this episode.  Ugh.  You know what this episode needs?  NEEDS MORE CAROLINE.

Meanwhile, Bonnie gets her marchy-marchy strut on, necessary boots included, and finds Klalaric.  He asks her: “What took you so long?  Now, do you want to do this the easy way?  Or the hard way?”  Bonnie targets his hand with magic, causing to drop the knife he’s holding.  She also hurts him—kind of like she’s pulling his bones out of their sockets or something.  It’s not really clear what she’s doing to him—looks kind of like the Cruciatus Curse.  But Harry Potter morality does not apply in the Mystic Falls universe, so we’ll let it slide.  Klalaric: “The hard way.  Got it.”  She continues to do her magic thing.  Klalaric: “What?  Would you kill your favorite history teacher?”  Bonnie: “It’s what Alaric would want.  He’d want you to suffer first.”  Then Bonnie gets a nose bleed.  So soon?  The power of a hundred witches is really disappointing.  Siiiiigh.  Klalaric notices: “Look at you.  Is that all you got?”  Bonnie: “Let’s find out.”

Meanwhile, Stefan and Elena run into Damon.  They ask him where Bonnie is, and he replies, “She’s doing what she has to do.”  Cut back to Bonnie.  She is magicking (I’m making that a verb) the room, causing papers flying and lights to flicker.  Her nose bleeds and sparks fly.  Who knows what’s going on?  Like, what is this actually doing to Klalaric?  Doesn’t really look to be much.  Anyway, Elena reaches the room, but can’t enter.  She looks through the glass and beats on the door.  She then watches as Klalaric gets the upper hand and Bonnie collapses.  The lights go out and the magic stops.  Bonnie is “dead.”  Um, Bonnie, the massive amount of power it takes to kill an Original was supposed to kill you, not a few spells in the span of two minutes.  Sorry, I know this is insensitive of me, but it was just really disappointing.  I mean, I didn’t actually believe she was really dead, and we all now know the reveal that happens later, but the whole thing is so fishy.  Klalaric disappears, but why would he believe that it was this easy to kill a witch channeling that much power?  I guess it’s just his inflated ego?  Soapdish.  Anyway, back to the emotional reaction.  Elena rushes to her friend’s body and sees that she’s not breathing.  She can’t find a pulse.  She begs Stefan: “Do something, please.  Stefan, please, just give her blood.  Do something, please!”  Alas, he can’t help, as Stefan tells her, “It’s too late.”  Damon tries to take control: “Stefan, get Elena out of here.”  Elena sobs and says no over and over again.  Damon repeats: “Stefan, get Elena out of here.  I’ll deal with the body.”  Elena: “What do you mean ‘deal’ with it?”  She’s still in shock and doesn’t accept what happened—or what didn’t really happen.  Whatever.  Damon says the sheriff can’t know about it.  Elena shouts, “This is Bonnie!”  Damon tells Stefan, “Get her home, please, so I can clean this up.”  Elena then starts to worry about Jeremy, and Damon says that he’ll find Jeremy.  Damon shuts Bonnie’s eyes.

Cut to Damon putting Bonnie in his trunk.  Jeremy comes up and asks where Elena and Bonnie are.  Damon: “We need to have a little talk.”

We then see Elena crying in front of the fireplace at the Bermuda Triangle.  She tells Stefan that it was her fault, but Stefan tells her that Klaus did this.  Then Damon comes in.  Elena gets up and walks towards him.  She asks what he did with Bonnie.  Damon turns to Stefan, “Will you please calm her down?”  Elena shouts in frustration: “Don’t talk like I’m not standing right in front of you!”  Damon addresses Elena: “Please.  Calm.  Down.”  Hey, you know what would calm Elena down, Damon?  Saying “Bonnie’s okay” the minute you got in the door.  Instead, it’s like he draws it out for the exquisite torture of having Elena angry at him.  Twisted.  Elena says, accusingly, “You knew that if she harnessed all that power, she would die, didn’t you?”  He says yes.  She slaps him.  And it is a really loud slap.  Damon: “You need to listen to me, and prepare for what I’m about to say.”  We then cut to abandoned house from last week, where Bonnie lies in the midst of candles.  Jeremy is there with her.  We hear Damon’s voice continue as we take in the scene: “Bonnie had to die.  Klaus using Alaric’s body was a total surprise.  She wasn’t prepared for that.  And he wasn’t going to stop.  And we weren’t going to be able to stop him until he knew she was dead.  He had to believe it.”  The music swells, as the candles surrounding Bonnie flicker and she comes back to life … or seems to come back to life.  Whatever.  She hugs Jeremy.  Cut back to the Bermuda Triangle where Damon finishes his story: “She cast a spell.  Bonnie’s okay.”  Then Damon and his leather pants stalk off.

Stefan catches up with his brother.  He says, “You know, you could have told me.”  Damon: “How do I know when you’re gonna go blabbing things to your girlfriend?”  Stefan: “Do you understand what you put her through?”  Damon: “See, that’s why I didn’t tell you.  Because you would have never been able to do it.  Don’t get me wrong, Stefan.  I don’t mind being the bad guy.  I’ll make all the life and death decisions, while you’re busy worrying about collateral damage.  I’ll even let her hate me for it.  But at the end of the day, I’ll be the one to keep her alive.”  Well, you and Bonnie.  Credit where credit’s due, vampire boys.

Meanwhile, Jeremy and Bonnie happily reunite in the abandoned house.  Jeremy teaches Bonnie about the magic of MiFi.  Sadly, that’s not a euphemism.  I think MiFi is to WiFi, as Bing is to Google.  It’s all very fetch, a.k.a. never gonna happen.  Anyway, Elena and Bonnie are able to catch up via webcam, and Bonnie apologizes, and Elena is just so happy she’s alive.

Cut to Damon’s bedroom.  Elena enters and Damon has his guard up immediately: “Look, Klaus had to think she was dead.  Your reaction had to be real.”  Elena gets it: “I understand why you did what you did.  Klaus was fooled.  Bonnie’s alive.”  Woot!  Score one for the Scoobies!  Damon raises his glass: “Here’s to duplicity.”  Elena: “Let’s get one thing straight, Damon.  Bonnie will not die for me.  I will not let that happen.”  Um, Elena needs to get one thing straight: that decision is up to Bonnie.  Siiiiiigh.  Why is Bonnie’s sacrifice all about Damon?  I mean, I know they were in cahoots tonight, but sacrificing herself for her best friend was Bonnie’s plan from early on.  This makes it seem like Bonnie was just a tool used by Damon.  Honestly, Bonnie seems like a tool and plot device a lot of the time, which is probably why a number of fans have a hard time really connecting to her, me included.  So this complaint is not really a reflection on Damon, but rather the way that the character of Bonnie has been written into this story.  Anyway, Damon tells Elena: “We need to kill Klaus, Elena.  Real Klaus.  Who will probably be coming to pay you a visit soon, now that he knows that Bonnie’s dead.  She’s the only one who can do it.”  Elena: “We’ll find another way.”  Damon: “I hope so.”  Elena: “Look, I shouldn’t have hit you.”  Damon: “Apology accepted.  Let me be clear about something.  If it comes down to you and the witch again, I will gladly let Bonnie die.  I will always choose you.”  Well, so would Bonnie and so would Stefan, right?  I mean … awww, how sweet to hear someone tell you how easily they will sacrifice your best friend’s life, on the same night she “died,” and you just finished blaming yourself for her death and mourning her.  Still, it’s nice to come first, right?  Damon and Elena then exchange “good night,” and there are long pauses and lingering glances.  Oooh, this living situation is bound to get awkward soon.

And what does Elena do next?  Best thing she does in the entire episode.  She goes straight down to the basement and pulls out the dagger from Elijah’s chest.  Then she sits and waits.  And the voice of the entire fandom cries out “Thank you!”  The end.  Next week: Eliiiiiiiiijah!  Mystic Falls just wasn’t the same without him.  Also, I hear that there may be flashbacks.  Can.  Not.  Wait.

So, what did you think of “The Last Dance?”  Share your reactions and theories below.

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• THE VAMPIRE DIARIES: “The Sun Also Rises”
• THE VAMPIRE DIARIES: “The Last Day”
• THE VAMPIRE DIARIES: “Klaus”