Super Sekrit Adventures of a Hot History-Teachin’ Vampire Slayer
So, yesterday, the following series of tweets happened:
Here is the result of my attempt at “Super Sekrit Adventures of a Hot History-Teachin’ Vampire Slayer.” Even though it’s a blog, Alaric adopted the “Dear Diary” format. Vampire slayers are just funny like that. Also, to preserve anonymity, he purposely used incorrect dates, so the timeline is still uncertain. Enjoy!*
October 16th, 1988
Dear Diary,
Today kids at school made fun of my name, again. I don’t know what my parents were thinking. My mother said that they’re just jealous of my manly good looks, and called me her lil’ Han Solo. I told her that I am 10 and my name is not Han, but she just laughed. Grrrr. I hate my name.
August 24th, 2001
Dear Diary,
I met the most beautiful woman on campus today. Her name is Isobel, and she said that she is studying parapsychology. I don’t even know what that means, but she’s really hot.
August 25th, 2001
Dear Diary,
Well it turns that para-whatever is kind of freaky. That Isobel-chick is into some weird psychic stuff. Whatever, it’s not like any of that supernatural stuff is real. She seems really cool, so this is sure to end well. I just wish she would stop talking about vampires …
September 10th, 2007
Dear Diary,
Isobel gave me the ugliest ring today. It is just soooo gaudy. Oh well, I love her too much not to wear it. I’ll just tell people it’s a family heirloom if they give me a hard time.
September 18th, 2007
Dear Diary,
I can’t believe that Isobel is really gone. They haven’t found her body, and the police have no leads. But I will find out what happened to her. I read all kinds of stuff on her laptop, and it terrifies me. Vampires are real. I have to train to kill them so that I can avenge my wife’s death. But how does one even start? I guess that I will begin with a Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathon. I mean, it can’t hurt, can it?
November 12th, 2009
Dear Diary,
Every day I ask myself, W.W.B.D.: What would Buffy do? But Buffy never taught history in Mystic Falls. Today I’ll have to figure out how to do things my own way, as I start work at my new job. I’m so close to learning more about vampires, I can feel it.
November 19th, 2009
Dear Diary,
Today I staked my first vampire: Logan Fell. He was giving Jenna a hard time, so I kept an eye on him, and realized what he really was. Not only was he a vampire, but he was snooty, just like all the Fells. Good riddance.
January 21st, 2010
Dear Diary,
I can’t stop thinking about killing Logan Fell. I mean, I finally found a vampire. I found one, after years of research and study. There it was, right in front of me. I was terrified. As I stared it in the eyes, I drove a stake through its heart. I was right about Mystic Falls. There is evil here. I can sense it. Feel it. It’s everywhere.**
Later that night …
But Logan Fell was not the only evil thing in Mystic Falls. The vampire who killed my wife is here! I ran into him at the Mystic Grill. He’s extremely handsome … those blue eyes are just so piercing. Um … where was I? Oh yeah … alas! Alack! Sigh. I am so tortured. I barely have time to shave. I only have time to shave just enough to remain ruggedly handsome. I mean, it’s not like I’m trying to go for the classic Marlboro-man look, and I definitely don’t have a picture of scruffy Harrison Ford from the 1970s hanging next to my bathroom mirror. Really. Wait, what have you heard? I just turn out swoon-worthy without even trying. And have I mentioned lately that I miss my wife? I’m so damaged and sensitive.
January 28th, 2010
Dear Diary,
Today I read some porn for history teachers. I love a good first hand account of the Civil War. Also, I think that the Gilberts are definitely connected to vampires, but I have to learn more. Let’s see … what else happened today? Oh, yeah, I chaperoned a dance and my wife’s killer showed up and tried to compel me. Luckily, I just thought, W.W.B.D., and totally kept my cool. I’m really starting to get the hang of this whole vampire slayer thing. Oh, and Jenna totally digs me.
February 4th, 2010
Dear Diary
I had a run in with Stefan Salvatore today. But don’t worry, I was totally in control of the situation. Totally. He even compared me to Van Helsing. I mean, Van Helsing is not as cool as Buffy, but still pretty awesome. I am so hard-core.
March 25th, 2010
Dear Diary,
Jenna roped me into a Bachelor Auction fundraiser. But wait, it gets worse. I was auctioned off next to DAMON of all people … er, vampires. And he started talking trash about my dead wife. Ugh. I hate that guy. Though he does have lovely eyes. But still … such a jerk. Oh, and apparently Isobel had a child before I knew her, and it is possibly Elena. Why me, world? Why me? I am starting to feel like I didn’t know Isobel very well.
But wait, it gets even worse. I was so pissed at Damon for what he said, that I went to his house and tried to stake him. I mean, that’s what Buffy would do, right? Unfortunately, I ended up dead. Yep, the a#!hole killed me. Luckily the ring from Isobel protected me. Ugh, I hate Damon.
April 8th, 2010
Dear Diary,
Today I teamed up with Damon and Elena to save Stefan. I know, right? I never thought that I would team up with my wife’s killer to save another vampire. Hmmm … why did I again? Oh yeah, nobody calls me “coward.” I am the Marty McFly of vampire slaying. Also, I punched Damon in the face. It was amaaaaaaaazing. Today was the best day ever.
April 15th, 2010
Dear Diary,
Ugh. Elena’s uncle has a ring that looks exactly like mine! And it gets worse: he is the one who gave Isobel the ring that she gave to me! FML.
April 22nd, 2010
Dear Diary,
The Founders’ Council think that Founders’ Day is more important than WWII, apparently. Ugh. So to placate them, I have to interrupt my syllabus to talk about the town’s history. Studying Texas would be way cooler. Only wimps have ancestors from Virginia. Also, I helped Elena with a plan to drug Stefan today. He’s so out of control that he even choked me. I thought that we were friends! I’m totally deleting Stefan’s number from my phone book. I mean, he was getting close to Fave Five status, but no more.
April 29th, 2010
Dear Diary,
I’m starting to think that Damon’s not half-bad. Yeah, he killed my wife, and he killed me, but gee he is so much fun. We went to investigate a tip on the tomb vampires today, and I ended up staking a vampire. It was so funny, because before we went into the house, I warned Damon not to kill anyone, but then I totally ended up killing someone. Hilarious! Okay, maybe you had to be there. Anyways, after I killed the vamp, we shared some blood and beer. No big deal. Oh, and we bonded over unrequited love. We’re totally Scoobies now.
May 6th, 2010
Dear Diary,
Today was the worst day ever. I was drowning my sorrows at the bar last night, as I am wont to do, when my dead wife showed up. She is a vampire! I am not even kidding, you guys. She didn’t have any answers for me. It sucked. All she wanted was for me to arrange a meeting with her and her daughter, Elena. When I said no, she threatened to kill my students. They’re all pretty annoying, but it would be wrong, so I had to arrange the meeting. When I went to report to the other Scoobies, Damon kept on asking me a million questions. I was like, “Hello, I was a little too distracted by my dead vampire wife to ask questions.” Geez, people.
But later Damon and I spent some quality time together, and I’m really starting to understand him. And I don’t believe that he’s really given up all his humanity, like Isobel has. But I’m still not letting him kill my wife, evil bit#! or not.
*This is meant to be entirely silly. Please take it for the nonsense that it is. Thanks!
**Actual dialogue from “Bloodlines.”
Okay, all done for now. Please feel free to construct your own diary entries in the comments section. Have some fun!
Really funny. I love the entry for January 21, 2009. ” I’m so damaged and sensitive.”
Sample:
Dear Isobel,
I hid the charger for your laptop this morning, you have about half an hour left on that thing.
P.S. I didn’t shave today. I know, I’m awesome.
Love,
Alaaaric
Haha! Laptop sabotage! I love it. He was in a three-way with Isobel and her computer, after all.
novenber 19th
dear diary,
Today was crazy!
I kissed Jenna, i know, i have to feel guilty but WWBD? And I saw a space ship landing in mystic falls. those guys are almost more bad-ass like me! ,, they were wearing a purple pants!!
But when i wanted to ask where they bougt it, Damon killed them.. #$%%. but, there was still one left, so I took that one. Maybe I’ll wear it some day..
Alaric
I figured somebody would have to mention the purple pants. Fabulous. Oh, Ernesto …
I love it. TNX @julieplec for tweeting about this wonderful: Super Sekrit Adventures of a Hot History-Teachin’ Vampire Slayer.
Good job! Keep up…
Brilliant!
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I loved this! It cracked me up. I liked your connection to Buffy!
Lllllooooovvvvveeeeddd the Back To The Future reference. Made my night.
Dear Diary,
Damon and I have been getting along so swell lately. It must be all the killing, blood and beer we’ve been consuming. In fact we’ve been getting along so great I’m thinking of actually watching Angel so I can further understand this great great man. It’s what Buffy would do I think. I put off watching it this long as I’ve always been very devoted to team Riley. All those vampires she screwed around with were beneath her. But now that I’ve befriended a soulfully vampire with great hair I think I might actually be team Spike now. We shall see how this turns out!
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this killed me! i was lmao-ing for like half the blog.
Dear Diary,
Today was founder’s day, and of course something had to go wrong. it all started when damon told me the tomb vamps were there. then i helped elena save stefan from the vampire haters. (i know, Alaric the Vampire Slayer goes soft) i then helped elena get over her denial that her witch best friend had in fact NOT un-spelled the gilbert device. then i went home and took a nice hot bath.
This is beyond epic. Has anyone brought it to the attention of Matt Davis? I suspect he’d get a kick out of it!
Thanks! Actually, several people on Twitter sent it his way, which I found out when I saw this referrer on my WordPress stats dashboard: http://twitter.com/ErnestoRiley/favorites
Holy banana crackers this is hilarious. I wish I could write an entry but sadly I’m no where near funny enough. I’ll just sit back and enjoy this. (Do more).
OMG Apr 15, 2010 about the ring? By that entry I was crying from laughing. Best use of FML ever.