THE VAMPIRE DIARIES: “You’re Undead to Me”

Photo Credit: Vampire Diaries Web/ The CW.

Read on for my recap and review of The Vampire Diaries 1×05, aired October 8th, 2009.

Previously, all hell broke loose, but that was nothing compared to this week.  Damon escaped from his basement prison, Elena figured out that her boyfriend is a blood-sucking fiend, Bonnie almost killed people with her mind, Uncle Zach is dead, and Damon possibly killed Vicki.  Also, there were several references to the Salvatore brothers’ Italian heritage.  Stefan even made chicken parmesan, and we learned that he loves garlic and can make his own mozzarella.  And oh yeah, he mentioned the Italian Renaissance.  Bravissimo!  Che bella sorpresa!  Now I will stop complaining about the lack of Italian-ness.  Here’s the detailed recap:

The episode opens on Casa Vampiri.  Damon is still trapped in the basement. He wonders where his ring is, but Stefan tells him that he won’t need it.  Damon has been trapped for 3 days.  Stefan explains: “During the dark ages, when a vampire’s actions threatened to expose or bring harm upon the entire race, they faced judgment.  They sought to reeducate them rather than to punish them.”  An overuse of vague pronouns, but you get the drift.  Damon’s going to grow weaker and weaker, and mummify, becoming a living corpse. Once his circulation stops, Stefan will move him into the family crypt, and in 50 years he will re-evaluate. Hehe.  Stefan tells his brother that he’s not stronger than the vervain, but I beg to differ.  As Giles said, “I’d like to test that theory.” (What? I have yet to break my limit of two Buffy references per recap.)

Cut to Elena and her diary, but she can’t seem to write.  She gets up, and runs into Vicki brushing her teeth in the bathroom.  Awkward.

Vicki returns to Jeremy’s room and lets him know about running into Elena.  Jeremy: “I’m a drug-using delinquent. Girl in bed doesn’t really rank, sorry.”  Well it’s nice to know that in the scheme of his screw-ups, she ranks low.  Shut up, Jeremy.

Elena fills her aunt in on what’s going on upstairs, but Aunt Jenna already knows.  Jenna’s only complaint is that he could be craftier about it.  So true.  For a druggie, he’s really not good with the subterfuge.  Jenna tells her niece that she won’t be home for dinner, as she plans to show up to her date with Logan, and “torture” him.  Unfortunately, she doesn’t mean that literally.  Sigh.  She asks if Elena has heard from Stefan.  Elena reenacts a hilarious message from Stefan three days earlier: “Elena … I uh … have something I need to do … I’ll uh … explain in a few days.” Hehe.  Elena has decided not to cry about it and stay strong.  Good for her.  I like Elena.

Back at Casa Vampiri, Stefan and Zach discuss their prisoner.  Stefan tells Zach that Damon is weak, but he should still stay out of the basement.  If only Zach had listened. Some further conversation about Elena, and how Stefan hates lying to her. Blah blah blah.

Caroline talks to Bonnie about Damon, and what she does or doesn’t remember, while Bonnie clutches at a candle.  Luckily, Bonnie doesn’t make the house go up in flames.  Caroline has holes in her memory, and doesn’t want to talk about it.  Bonnie picks up the mysterious amber stone from last week, and says that it’s ugly. Caroline has a higher opinion of the mysterious object, and hangs it near the window.

Cut to school, and the kids hang out in the halls.  Clearly the students can’t go to actual class, since their only teacher was killed. Caroline appears to be back to normal, and gabs about the upcoming car wash, which will apparently feature teens in their bikinis. “I want ‘in your face’ sexy. I mean, it’s a fundraiser for God’s sake.”  Hehe.  Elena and Bonnie comment on Caroline’s state of denial, and Stefan walks up.  Bonnie hurriedly excuses herself.  Stefan wants to explain himself, and Elena agrees to meet him at The Mystic Grill later.  Caroline walks up and asks about Damon.  Stefan informs her that Damon’s gone, and he’s not ever coming back.  I wouldn’t be so sure of that.  When Stefan leaves, Elena tells her upset friend that this is a good thing.  It would be, if it were true.

Elena arrives at The Mystic Grill, and Stefan’s not there yet.  But Matt is!  I missed his calming presence.  He invites her to play pool while she waits.

Cut to Casa Vampiri, where Zach decides to be an idiot.  He hears Damon coughing, so he goes down to the basement.  Yeah, the evil murderer is conscious, so I’ll go visit.  Sigh.  Zach warns Damon that his blood is full of vervain, since he has been imbibing the herb daily.  Damon realizes that it was Zach’s vervain (way to amp up your guilt, Zach), and comments, “Family only runs so deep.”  Zach: “We’re not family, Damon.  Only in the most dysfunctional sense.  In fact, I’ve avoided having a living, breathing family because of you.”  Sad.  Damon tells him that he’s shutting down, but I kind of don’t believe him.  Zach and Damon complain some more, before Damon pounces.  Damon tries to get Zach to open the door, but Stefan arrives just in time.  Stefan rescues Zach, and yells at his brother.

Back at The Mystic Grill, Elena fills Matt in on their siblings’ hook-up.  They both agree that it’s weird.  Matt convinces Elena to open up about her boy problems, and it’s a very sweet moment.  Oh Matt, you are such a delight.  Elena tells him that Stefan is really secretive, and Matt makes light about it, dismissing her fears.  Matt even says that Stefan “might be a nice guy.”  Aawww.  Elena wonders if she’s being too paranoid, and Matt advises her to talk to him.  Stefan comes in, and Matt excuses himself.  Elena is not thrilled that Stefan is over an hour late, and his excuse is just the latest in a long line of vague excuses.  An older man (later identified as the grandfather of one of the car-washing students) recognizes Stefan, and is amazed that he hasn’t aged a day.  Stefan rushes Elena away, but after he fails to offer an explanation, again, Elena leaves.

At the Gilbert home, Elena writes in her diary: “I tried.  I want so much to make things right, but every instinct in my body is telling me to be careful.  What you don’t know can hurt you.”  Finally.  A rational response about a mysterious and possibly dangerous boyfriend!  In certain other shows and books that shall not be named, I was very frustrated with the deluded heroines, so this is a nice change.  Elena’s hesitancy regarding Stefan is definitely a factor in the show’s favor.

Back at The Mystic Grill, the Sheriff and Logan discuss the search for the vampires and the Gilbert pocket watch.  They have failed to find either.  Their conversation is cut off when Jenna shows up.  Jenna is way too happy to see Logan for my taste.

Meanwhile, Elena is busy being miserable in her room, but Jeremy interrupts and tells her to get something to eat.  When she gets to the kitchen, Stefan is there.  He’s cooking her chicken parmesan: “Jeremy told me that chicken parmesan is one of your favorites, and I happen to be a good cook. Italian roots demand it. Can even make my homemade mozzarella (pronounced perfectly, by the way), only tonight it’s, unfortunately, store-bought.”  Sigh and swoon.  Elena is not quite sure about this, but Stefan tells her that if she’s going to dump him, she should know who she’s dumping. Welcome to Stefan 101, which is actually all about his ex-girlfriend.  Katherine was the most beautiful girl he had ever met, and she had perfect olive skin, and an infectious laugh.  She was fun, but she was also “impatient, entitled, selfish, and impulsive.”  Damon claims that he was with her first, and Stefan did some things that he regrets.  Oh, tell me more about that last part!  Unfortunately, Stefan doesn’t expand on that.  He misses Katherine, but he’s “no longer crippled by her loss.”  Sure, now that he’s found her doppelganger.  Geez.  This is beyond unhealthy.

Vicki and Jeremy hang out in his room, and Vicki is sampling Elena’s painkillers, from the accident.  We see that Jeremy still has the pocket watch.  Jeremy complains that they’re always getting high, and Vickie hopes that he won’t try to change her.  Since when does Jeremy have the moral high ground in discussions about drugs. Wasn’t he Vicki’s supplier all Summer, enabling her?  Now, all of a sudden, her drug use makes him uncomfortable.  Shut up, Jeremy.

Cut back to the romance in the kitchen.  Stefan continues his “all about me” speech, only this time he has moved beyond Katherine.  He’s a huge Fitzgerald fan, and loves The Great Gatsby. He also likes Grisham, as he’s “not a snob.”  Whatever.  It’s kind of snobby to say that in that way.  No mention of Jane Austen, Harry Potter, or Lord of the Rings?  Fail.  His favorite TV show of all time is I Love Lucy, but Seinfeld is the best American TV show in the past 50 years. No comment.  He’s a HUGE Scorcese fan, so he clearly has some good  taste.  Elena takes over slicing up the garlic, so I start dreading the inevitable blood drama.  As for music, Stefan loves Dylan, Hendrix, Patsy, and even Kanye and Miley.  Sigh.  No mention of Sinatra or Dino?  What kind of Italian is he?  He’s forgiven, however, due to the adorable embarrassed smile he gives Elena.  I mean, it’s enough to make me love him, despite my protestations.  Suddenly, Elena cuts herself (as expected), and when Stefan sees and touches the blood, he vamps out.  Elena sees his reflection in the kitchen window, but he turns around to hide his face.  By the time he turns back around, his face is back to normal, and Elena chocks what she saw up to a paranoid hallucination.  They kiss, and despite myself I think it’s romantic.  Look at what this show is doing to me!

Cut to Damon’s face, whispering Caroline.  At the same time, Caroline is at home on the phone, planning the bikini for one of her frenemies.  The crow shows up, and Caroline is freaked out. Cut back to Damon’s face, and he looks super scary.  He’s clearly still able to contact and influence her, despite his weakness.  Uh oh.

Stefan goes to visit Damon in the basement, and they share the usual banter.  Blah blah lies blah blah Elena.

Finally, the car wash begins, in the parking lot outside of the high school.  Caroline makes the distinction that while this car wash may be to raise money for charity, they are not running a charity, so no IOUs.  She also scolds Elena and Stefan for their un-sexy attire.  Then Elena and Stefan proceed to be so adorable that I can barely recap it due to my embarrassment.  This show is making me far too prone to shipping.  I’m vulnerable.  Stop it, show.  Elena awkwardly tries to take off her shirt (pictured above), and despite her protestations, Stefan finds it sexy.  Sigh.  Meanwhile, Bonnie tells Matt to lay off the “tortured pining.”  Bonnie + Matt, anyone?  Agh!  I must stop—this show is ruining my image.  Another girl (granddaughter to the previously seen older gentleman, who recognized Stefan) complains that she always gets “the homely ones.”  She calls the car a P.O.S., and Bonnie is pissed at her rudeness.  Bonnie angry results in the bratty girl getting soaked by supernatural means.  Hehe.

Also at the car wash, slimy Logan reports the news about the charitable effort.  Despite the fact that he will be filming the teenagers in their bathing suits, Jenna is still hanging out with the scumbag.  The two reminisce about having sex in a minivan in that same parking lot.  No comment.

Elena tries to convince Stefan to take the ring off, as they are washing cars, but Stefan tells her that it’s fine.  He explains that it has the family crest, and is from the Italian Renaissance.  Woo to the hoo!  Not only does this follow the books, but personally, I’m beyond thrilled for further discussion of Stefan’s Italian heritage.  Broken record=me.

Caroline goes into the school to get supplies, and is spooked by Damon.  Again, he’s able to project himself into her mind.

The older gentleman from the earlier encounter at the Grill (sorry, don’t know his name) approaches Elena to pay for his car wash.  Elena jumps on the opportunity to question him.  I love that she hasn’t given up her inquiry just because Stefan made her an incredibly romantic dinner.  Way to stay strong!  We learn that Stefan and Damon Salvatore should have probably changed their names, so as to not invite suspicion.  In June 1953, this guy stayed at the Salvatore boarding house.  Elena is a bit freaked.

Stefan approaches and Elena tries to surreptitiously get some answers: “Hey, I realized earlier that I had no idea your family was from Italy.”  Stefan: “Really?  The last name Salvatore didn’t do it for you?”  Ha!  I will answer for the fans, as this question is clearly directed at us: No.  Also, thank you.  Elena: “Are there any other Salvatores in Mystic Falls?”  Stefan: “My Uncle Zach.”  Elena: “Where did everyone else go?”  Stefan: “Kind of just spread out. Why?”  Elena: “Just trying to learn more about you.”  So not subtle, Elena.

Cut to Jeremy and Vicki in the cemetery.  She brought Jeremy there to smoke out with some fellow druggies.  Whatever.

Back at the car wash, Elena wonders why Jenna is still there, as her car was done an hour ago.  The answer to that question approaches, and he agrees to do a favor for Elena to get back into Jenna’s good graces.  Elena wants an old news story, and heads out with the scumbag.

Meanwhile, Caroline is under Damon’s thrall, and arrives at Casa Vampiri.  She hears Damon’s voice calling her name, and heads down to the basement.  She’s surprised and confused to see him.  He tries to convince her to let him out, but she reminds him that he bit her.  He messes with her mind a bit, and she starts to open the door.  Zach tries to step in and stop her, and tells her to run.  Caroline does run, but it’s too late for Zach, as Damon breaks open the door.

Back at the car wash, the bitchy girl from earlier orders Bonnie to clean the pavement. Bonnie’s disbelief at such an assignment equaled mine.  Unfortunately, an angry Bonnie is a fire-starting Bonnie, and she lights up one of the cars.  Uh oh.  Stefan sees what’s going on, and snaps Bonnie out of it.  She runs off scared.

Meanwhile, Elena is at the TV station with Scumbag, who gives her pointers about finding the footage she wanted.  He has to run, as news of the fire reaches him.

Jeremy and Vicki are still at the cemetery, and Vicki wants to “take it up a notch” using Elena’s pain pills.  The other girl, with red hair, who is hanging out at the cemetery, looks familiar.  What do we know her from?  Jeremy is pissed that Vicki took his sister’s pills, and the other druggies mock him.  Jeremy walks off pissed and Vicki follows him.  A fight ensues.  Jeremy calls her friends “waste of space small town lifers,” and Vicki says that she’s one of them.  Jeremy doesn’t understand … blah blah blah.

Back at the car wash, Stefan looks for Elena.  Matt tells him that Elena “is big on trust.”  He explains that the more Stefan tries to hide things from Elena, the more she won’t stop from figuring it out.

Meanwhile, Elena is doing just that, at the TV station, watching the footage from 1953.  Said footage is my one complaint about the episode.  There is no way anyone would ever think that footage was taken in 1953.  Sorry, show.  Elena sees Stefan in the background, and zooms in.

Cut to Caroline and her mom.  Caroline is lying on her bed, upset. Her mom asks her if it’s “a boy thing,” and Caroline snarks: “If I want to talk boys, I’ll call dad. At least he’s successfully dating one.”  Ouch.  Well, I guess that explains last week’s comment.

Cut to Casa Vampiri, where Stefan finds a drained crow.  Uh oh, Damon has fed, so he’s stronger.  He calls for Zach, and finds his uncle dead in the basement (he is dead, right?).

Elena VO begins: “Dear diary, I’m not a believer. People are born, they grow old, and then they die. That’s the world we live in.”  As Elena continues speaking, a montage is shown. Caroline goes to bed and as her amber stone catches the light.  We are left to wonder about its magical properties.  Bonnie knocks on her gram’s door, and her extremely young (due to being magical, I’m sure) grandmother comforts her.  Logan rifles through Jeremy’s room and finds the pocket watch.  Uh oh.  Stefan holds the body of his dead “uncle” and mourns.  And Elena goes through the evidence to realize that her boyfriend is a vampire.  Yep, she has figured it out.

Vicki hangs out in the graveyard, and then the music suddenly stops.  As she goes to the truck to turn it back on, she spies Damon, but doesn’t realize who it is.  He asks her to come closer, and the idiot obeys.  Damon bites her, and we are left to wonder about her fate.

Meanwhile, Stefan gets ready to search for Damon, but Elena knocks at his door. “What are you?” she asks.  Oh, you know already, Elena.

Loved the episode, and can’t wait for next week.  What did you think?

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• THE VAMPIRE DIARIES: “Isobel”
• THE VAMPIRE DIARIES: “Blood Brothers”
• THE VAMPIRE DIARIES: “Miss Mystic Falls”
• THE VAMPIRE DIARIES: “Under Control”